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Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
my little boy has finally arrived...i still can't believe it...he got here monday the 17th at 8:15 am weighing in at 8 lbs 15 oz. he has blonde hair and blue eyes like his daddy so i guess he's mine...
it was a strange delivery...we got to the hospital sunday night around 7:00 pm and not much happened...we all went to sleep around midnight and woke up around 7:00 the next morning. amber went for a walk with her doula and then things kicked in...she went from 4 cm to having the baby in a little over an hour...and in what seems to typical of my luck these days i missed the delivery...i thought it was gonna take another hour or so till she finally had it...so i went out to have a quick smoke and when i came back they were taking pictures of him. he came out quick...she rolled over from her back to her side and the baby's head popped out...the doula had to go get the nurse because there was no one in the room at the time...no nurses, no doctor...nobody...the nurse was trying to find to find the doctor to come give her an epidural...one more push and he was all out...
we're all home now...everybody is healthy and happy...and since he's gonna be a true southern californian we took him for his first walk to the beach today...we only live six blocks from the beach. amber is doing good...although she still looks like she's 4 months pregnant...she still has that belly (isn't that a shame!)...and trust me, she doesn't like it one bit at all. her and i are doing pretty good at the moment...we got some things worked out between us and we're gonna figure out a way to coexist and raise our son together...it wont always be easy but we can do it...we need to...we have a little boy now...
p.s. if you care to donate to the "help get zayne circumcised" fund just lemme know...$320 just to do some cosmetic surgery to his little thingy...he better thank me later...
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
so we went to the doctor yesterday for the weekly checkup...according to the ultrasound our son now weighs 7 lbs 4 oz ± half a pound...he gonna be a big one...and he's not even due for another month. amber wants to have him now...he's big enough already...i hope he waits as long as possible...she needs some pain for what she's done to me...ok, maybe just a little bit. i'm also gonna get this t-shirt for him being such a good boy. they got other good ones at t-shirt hell...i'll keep ya posted on when he finally gets here...
other than that i haven't really felt inspired to write anything recently...i guess i need some drama in my life to give me something to write about...and the drama i currently have isn't something i wanna put here...
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
so my little girl turns 15 today...holy shit i'm old! i can't believe i'll have another one in a few more weeks...hopefully this new one will be just as good as his big sister...because to me she's just about as good as they get...i can't say enough about her...i know i'm biased...but anyone who knows her thinks the same thing too...
i love ya sweetie...
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Sunday, March 12, 2006
we've all seen these things...they're in the grocery stores, wal-mart usually has a ton of them, you can even get them in the malls too. a seemingly simple and safe little scooter for those that need them to get around...but in the hands of the inexperienced (or wannabe nascar driver) they can easily become a lethal device...
so amber and i headed out to the local mall today to look for some maternity things for her...and since she's supposed to be on bed rest we decided to get her one of these things. a word to the wise...keep a safe distance from these electric death scooters...their acceleration is quite deceptive...don't walk in front of them...don't stand too close to the back of one (they stop on a dime...usually)...and never, ever get in an elevator with one. there musta been 2 dozen times when i was behind her and she stops all of a sudden to look at something and i almost fell on top of her. another handful of times when she turned pretty damn quick and almost ran me over. she's running into things left and right...and loving it. but the elevators were the worst. thankfully most of them were so small that all she could do was barely get the thing in the door and then back it out when we got to the desired floor. unfortunately not all elevators are created the same...some are rather large...like the one in macys...the thing is huge...and for one of these scooters there's quite a bit of room to maneuver...which is where the real trouble begins. she sees all this open space...i see a death trap waiting to happen...i get as far away from her as possible...she whips the thing around to get a better angle...i swiftly move to the opposite side of the compartment...a split second later she hits the reverse and rams the thing in the very spot i was just standing. look at the picture i put on here...its the exact same thing she was slinging around today...see the basket on the back? it may not look like it but the top of the basket is pretty much level with my balls. if i didn't posses such quick reflexes i woulda been writing this from a hospital bed...minus the ability to ever created any more kids. coincidence? i think not. i think something sinister flashed into her wicked (yet beautiful) head at that very moment...something about how i got her knocked up...something about how its such a pain in the ass to be 8 months pregnant and on bed rest for the past month and a half...she saw an opportunity for a little payback and she pounced on it. but insteada nailing me she just hit the wall pretty good and broke the bumper. later in the day her patience musta been wearing a little thin and she tried to break down some elevator doors before they opened...not sure if she apologized to the guy standing there waiting to get in with his kid in a stroller...i know he backed up pretty damn quick though at the sound of the crash. and of course she's laughing her ass off with each of these misadventures. i had a huge sigh of relief when the shopping day was done and we finally turned the thing back in...she was back to moving gingerly with each step...
ok, so i exaggerated a little bit...so what...all those things did happen but it wasn't quite so dramatic...but we were laughing all the way home thinking about all the fun we had with that little scooter...
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?
(He works hard)
Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah
Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
the kids above are amber's two girls, kassandra (kasey) on the left and tiffany (tiffy) on the right. if you're wondering why their hair is so short its because tiffy got ahold of some scissors and decided to give her sister a hair cut a few months ago...its finally starting to grow out now. those two girls are one of the best things about being in a relationship with amber...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
here's a video that i thought i'd share of this incredible guitar player...and the really amazing thing is that he's only 10 years old...check it out...i'd love to be able to play half this good...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
love is just a word until you have someone to give it proper meaning...
i have that someone in my life and i am eternally grateful that i do...my life is so much better with her in it...its hard to imagine a life without her. the other day we were joking around...i made a comment about some hottie that just walked by...i called her my future ex-girlfriend...amber said "i don't think so"...i belong to her...i'm her "property"...at least for the next year or so. we both knew she was joking around with those kinda comments...neither of us is like that in the least...but just to hear her say something like that even in jest made my heart start beating a tad bit faster...
so how do you know when you truly love someone? to me it's the point when you wanna unselfishly do things for that other person before you do things for yourself. i got off work the other day and i was kinda tired...but even though she had slept most of the night amber still needed some more sleep...so about 15 minutes after i got home the kids woke up and i took care of them & played with them for the next few hours so amber could get the sleep she needed...i didn't think twice about it...i knew i'd get my sleep later in the day. we don't have alot of money at the moment...been getting things we need for the new apartment...so i don't have any money to get amber anything for valentines day...not that she minds at all. so we're unpacking the bedroom tonight...the unpacking process is going slow since we don't have much time to do it with her on bedrest. so i'm getting her all her lotions and beauty products so she can put them away in the bathroom and i come across this one bag that was over in the corner and kinda hidden away...as i start looking in the bag to see what it is she ran over and grabbed the bag outta my hand telling me i'm not supposed to look in that bag. at that moment we both knew her secret was out...she had secretly got me a valentines day present even though we had both agreed not to this year...she didn't want anything for herself but she wanted to get me something...that's the girl i love...and the girl that loves me...
for all of you that have someone to love i hope you realize what you have and don't make the mistake i once made and take that love for granted...and for those of you that don't have that special someone in your life right now i hope that some day soon you find the love of your life...there's nothing better than loving and sharing your life with someone...
amber's sister, trish, has been telling us about this movie for quite some time now and she borrowed it from a friend the other day and we finally got to watch it and we absolutely love it...we've seen it 3 times now...a very, very funny movie. i'm not a huge fan of willem dafoe but he's hilarious as a gay fbi agent...the other main characters are pretty good too. one of those movies that you wanna watch more than once to pick up on all the little quirks...
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Sunday, February 05, 2006
so amber got a test on friday at the doctors office and it came back positive...apparently her body is producing some kinda chemical that induces birth and chances are likely that our son is gonna be born some time in the next 2 weeks...not exactly the news we were hoping for...the baby needs to wait another 6 or 8 weeks at the earliest but i guess he's a little impatient and can't wait to come into this world...i guess he doesn't realize that his first 4 or 5 weeks of life are gonna be spent in the hospital...
today was the 4th visit to the hospital for us...we got the test results today and the doctor told amber she needs to get some steroid shots to help the baby develop faster...we go back tomorrow for another shot...she's on even stricter bed rest now...i won't let her get up off the couch for anything...before we would go to the store together but not anymore...now she ain't going anywhere but to the doctor and the hospital...needless to say she isn't too happy about that...
last week she found out her parents and brothers are moving to seattle in 2 weeks...she called her mother today to see if she could stay with us for a week or two before she moves to help with the girls and be there for the birth...her mother completely rejected her...said she wouldn't live in the same house with someone who wasn't a jehovah's witness...amber was devastated by this and in tears for an hour...it wasn't just that she was rejected but the way in which it was done...the story of her life is trusting those around her, getting shit on by them, thinking things are turning around and putting her trust back in them, and getting shit on again even worse...at one point she said to me that this is why she's so depressed and on prozac...i know they are potentially my in-laws but i can't help but hating what they're doing to the girl i love...i don't even really know them that much but i already have a deep resentment for them...my question was the same as amber's...how could any parents completely abandon their child?
so the pics on this post are from a few weeks ago...the quality is terrible because i took them with my cell phone...the first is amber in the bathtub (heavily cropped of course)...i love her eyes and smile in this pic...we took a few more with her belly sticking outta the water...very cool. the seond pic was taken a few hours after the first one...just showing how big her belly is getting...it needs to get much, much bigger...my boy needs to cook a little while longer...
Thursday, February 02, 2006
so i got the new apartment and i want to get some internet hooked up in there so i'm gonna go with dsl this time...i check out the website for sbc (now at&t...my phone service provider) and they got an online only promo to get a $100 visa gift card to start their service...can't beat that...or i guess i could if i really tried but i don't feel like trying at the moment...so i go to order the service and it doesn't go through since my account is so new and it isn't active in all their systems yet. so since i'm a little impatient and i want some high speed internet yesterday i decide to give them a call and see what kinda promos i can get over the phone...big mistake! first, its apparently a busy time of day so i was on hold for 40 minutes waiting to talk to someone...and of course he tells me to try back again tomorrow since my account isn't active in the dsl part of their systems...and second...and worst of all...the on hold music is frank sinatra...and i kinda like frank every now and then but this wasn't just frank...it was frank and some of his friends...mostly just the friends...and it sucked the living soul outta me...i swear...what genius came up with the idea of playing that for on hold music? do they want people to get nauseous and hang up? if i didn't want some internet pretty damn badly i woulda after 2 or 3 minutes...but this turned out to be a war of attrition and i was gonna get me some internet...and my damn work phone doesn't have a speaker thingy so i had to keep it to my ear the whole time...i even answered the other main phone 4 times while frank was playing in my other ear...so what did i end up with? no internet and my brain is fried from listening to that crap for 40 minutes...
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
check out my visitor stats for the past 7 hours...this is insane...10 times normal...
on the way home tonight i turned on one of my favorite radio stations, 91X, and they were playing this albumn by depeche mode in its entirety...i was only 5 minutes from home but i had to drive by the beach a half dozen times so i could hear all of it...i love every single song on this albumn...
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
if you only knew what her and i were talking about moments before i took this pic...the plans we were making for our future together...what we're gonna do...where we're gonna go...
if you only knew what we did on our "date" tonight...and no pervs, it's not what you think...it was something even better than that...
if you only knew what goes on in our world...our secrets...the way we feel about each other...
if you only knew...you'd want it with someone too...
Saturday, January 07, 2006
this is one of my all-time favorite pics...photographed by tanya chalkin...there's just something about it that says so much...the way they're holding each other...their hands...their lips gently touching...the way their bodies are up against each other...its anything but erotic...its quite romantic...
i can completely relate to this now...this is how we kiss...this is the way we touch each other...even when we're not kissing each other...we've kissed more in the past week than all of the past year...or so it seems...and now she's the one kissing me...which makes the kisses mean so much more...
the only bad thing is that i hate shaving...i prefer to shave once a week if that...but now i gladly do it every morning...just one of her kisses is so worth it...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
i love this belly...it belongs to the girl i love...growing inside it right now is my future son. sure, there's a few stretch marks on it now...but that only means that i get to do something i absolutely love...rubbing lotion all over it...
i remember the first time i saw this belly bare...there wasn't a six pack...there was a tiny bit of flab...i realized the girl i thought was perfect in every aspect had a flaw...and only a minor flaw at that...it didn't matter to me in the least...to me she was still perfect...
i look at this picture and i just marvel at its beauty...its the wallpaper now for my cell phone...i find myself looking at it for minutes on end...the wonderful experience of having a child is something that can't be accurately described with words in the english language...there's a whole other non-verbal romantic language reserved only for things like this. thank you amber...thank you for being the mother of our child...thank you for letting me back into your life...thank you for being the incredibly special and beautiful person that you are...that romantic language is the only way i can describe how i really do feel about you...
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Hello my friend, we meet again
It's been awhile, where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
Oh, I remember
When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there
When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
Cause when you are with me I am free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice, My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
My sacrifice...
Monday, January 02, 2006
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
sorry...i can't help it...i'm in one of those phases where i'm hearing the music speak to me...like actually speaking to me...telling me something...the song playing on the radio right now is on for only a single purpose...its playing just for me...the words are talking to me...they're the words i'm trying to find...i can't find the words i need to say sometimes...then i hear a song and i find those exact words...this is what i want to say to her...
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Manic depression is touching my soul
I know what I want but I just don’t know
How to, go about gettin’ it
Feeling sweet feeling,
Drops from my fingers, fingers
Manic depression is catchin’ my soul
Woman so weary, the sweet cause in vain
You make love, you break love
It’s all the same
When it’s, when it’s over, mama
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Well, I think I’ll go turn myself off,
And go on down
All the way down
Really ain’t no use in me hanging around
In your kinda scene
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
seriously...i'm not joking about this...i love neil diamond...i listen to one of those alternative radio stations at night and they play at least one neil diamond song a night...try it...you'll like it...
damn...billy joel and neil diamond in one night...i do like more than just that...my favorite at the moment is this other freak of nature that makes incredibly beautiful music...
Monday, December 26, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
i love this movie...saw it 3 times in the theater...used to have the dvd and watched it another few dozen times...love the music...love Emmy Rossum and her voice...and this isn't even the type of movie i normally like...but for some odd reason i love this one...go figure. haven't seen it in awhile...it was on hbo tonight so i got to watch some of it before i came to work...when i first started seeing previews for it a month ago i had to flip away...didn't want to think about the movie for reasons i don't wanna mention...but i really don't care anymore...i love this movie and i'm gonna watch it whenever i want...and since its on hbo now i'll prolly get a few thousand chances to see it...unless they decide to run catwoman or son of mask or some of the other mindless movies they have on endlessly...but every now and then they have something really good on like this...
Friday, December 23, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
sometimes having insomnia isn't such a bad thing...last night aound 5:00 am 12 monkeys came on...i forgot how much i love this movie...here's a few of the quotes...
I am insane, and you are my insanity...
If all of these nuts could make phone calls, they could spread insanity, oozing through telephone cables,oozing to the ears of all these poor, sane people, infecting them; wackos everywhere, plague of madness...
You are a total nutcase, completely deranged, delusional, paranoid. Your thought process is all fucked up. Your information train is jammed, man!
There's the television. It's all right there - all right there. Look, listen, kneel, pray. Commercials! We're not productive anymore. We don't make things anymore. It's all automated. What are we *for* then? We're consumers, Jim. Yeah. Okay, okay. Buy a lot of stuff, you're a good citizen. But if you don't buy a lot of stuff, if you don't, what are you then, I ask you? What? Mentally *ill*. Fact, Jim, fact - if you don't buy things - toilet paper, new cars, computerized yo-yos, electrically-operated sexual devices, servo systems with brain-implanted headphones, screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices, voice-activated computers...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
i got this from patrick at what's better than this? very cool illusion that you can try at this site...amazing what the brain makes us see...
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Let me take you on a trip
Around the world and back
And you won't have to move
You just sit still
Now let your mind do the walking
And let my body do the talking
Let me show you the world in my eyes
I'll take you to the highest mountain
To the depths of the deepest sea
***And*** we won't need a map, believe me
Now let my body do the moving
And let my hands do the soothing
Let me show you the world in my eyes
That's all there is
Nothing more than you can feel now
That's all there is
Let me put you on a ship
On a long, long trip
Your lips close to my lips
All the islands in the ocean
All the heaven's in the motion
Let me show you the world in my eyes
That's all there is
Nothing more than you can touch now
That's all there is
Let me show you the world in my eyes
by depeche mode...
Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain,
you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more ...
Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working.
Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain,
you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown,
the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb...
by pink floyd...
where's the time machine when i really need one?
why can't i just call a "do over" and start all over again?
why isn't there at least a way to erase all the painful memories like they did in eternal sunshine & the spotless mind? that's be kinda cool...
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I'm waiting for the night to fall
I know that it will save us all
When everything's dark
Keeps us from the stark reality
I'm waiting for the night to fall
When everything is bearable
And there in the still
All that you feel
Is tranquillity
There is a star in the sky
Guiding my way with its light
And in the glow of the moon
Know my deliverance will come soon
I'm waiting for the night
There is s sound in the calm
Someone is coming in the harm
I press my hands to my ears
It's easier here just to forget fear
And when I squinted rose-tinded
And angels appeared to descend
To my surprise
With half-closed eyes
Things look even better
Than they were opened
Been waiting for the night to fall
I know that it would save us all
When everything's dark
Keeps us from the stark reality
Been waiting for the night
Now everything is bearable
And there in the still
All that you feel
Is tranquillity
by depeche mode...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Thursday, December 01, 2005
did anyone else see this on the news the other night? the day after thanksgiving shopping nightmare known as "black friday"...this was one of those scenes where they opened the doors of a walmart at 5am and everyone rushes in and starts falling down. i dunno...maybe its because i'm secretly trying to turn myself into a sociopath but i thought this was hilarious...same with the 73 year old lady that got knocked on her ass...well maybe not that one...i'm not that bad...yet...but the woman on the right gets pushed down as soon as she gets through the doors and what is her first thought? maybe curl up in a fetal position or put her hands over her head so she doesn't get it crushed? maybe even try to get her fat ass up so nobody else falls over her? nope! the first thought that entered her brain was to put fucking her wig back on (see the video here...i think)...what the fuck was she thinking? there were people falling down all around her...not to mention the fucking lard ass in sweats (in the middle here) just watching the melee unfold...and this fucking hosebeast has to put her ugly ass wig back on...i was fucking stunned silly when i saw this...talk about a typical female! having to look good (or trying to) in public takes precedence over everything else...i'm just kidding of course. back in my married life i was forced to endure the black friday ritual...what a fucking nightmare that was...sometimes being single is really worth it...
tom cruise...what the fuck dude? this guy is a freak of nature...i mean he's a great actor...collateral has been on hbo at least twice a week for the past month or so and i watch it every single time...i so wanna be a sociopathic hitman named vincent like him someday...i loved the last samurai...the simple elegance and scenery was breathtaking...that one scene in jerry maguire (which i've seen 3 times in the past few weeks)..."you complete me"...i still cry when i see that...i so wanna say that to girl someday...and of course the guru of female seduction in one of my all time favorite movies magnolia..."respect the cock!" is a great line...sure, his films have grossed $2,358,062,667...but still...all the weird stuff...the jumping on the couch during oprah...which, now that i think about it, is what i feel like doing when i'm in love with someone...he actually has the balls to do it...so that ain't so bad i guess...the sonogram thing ain't so bad either now that i think about it too...if i had that kinda cash i'd like to take a look at my unborn kid anytime i wanted...i thought the whole TomKat name thingy was kinda weird in the beginning...even though it is kinda catchy...seriously...who wouldn't wanna have something like that with the one they're with...PhilAmb...ok, maybe not. scientology, psychiatry, the public displays of affection, brooke shields, nicole kidman, chemical imbalance...come to think of it tom cruise ain't so bad after all...tom is my new hero...
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
as you may or may not have heard (who really gives a rats ass?) leonardo dicaprio recently got dumped by this hottie...gisele bundchen... because she got tired of waiting for him to pop the question...dude, what the fuck are you thinking? she's brazilian...she's a victoria's secret model...you need to be smacked senseless...or maybe you already have been...gisele, sweetie, call me...please...i guarantee i will worship the ground you strut on...i'll accompany you around the world and hangout with you in the dressing room of all those fashion shows...and you'll have no problem getting a ring from me. btw...this pic is her at the victoria's secret fashion show...i kinda surprised myself that i took the time to look at the pics from the show...the whole victoria's secret subject is something i intentionally avoid now...maybe its because i wasted so much cash there and never got a chance to reap the benefits...i get physically sick just thinking about it....
what the fuck is this thing you ask? this is sam...the recently deceased undisputed ugliest dog in the world...this thing isn't just ugly it really scares the shit outta me...how in the hell was this thing ever created? what two (or more) animals did it doggy style and spawned this beastly little freak show? i saw this thing on the news the other night and later that night this thing gave me a nightmare...i dreamt that amber was giving birth to our kid and this thing popped out instead and fucking bit me in the balls with those mangly teeth...seriously...scared the fucking shit outta me like you wouldn't believe...one of those nightmares that when you wake up you need a smoke right the fuck now and you're shaking so much half the pack falls on the ground...i'm not exactly an animal lover or hater...i don't want any but if you have some then good for you...but i am so glad this thing is dead...maybe i'll sleep a little better with that comforting thought?
btw...wanna see something really scary? check out the pics of tyra banks at the victoria's secret fashion show...what the fuck happened to her? she looks kinda like our friend sam here...seriously...check out the two pics...same exact pose by both of them...i think tyra might be somehow involved in the whole spawning process...wanna know something else thats freaky? sam died the same day as the fashion show...i'm just saying...you won't see my sweetie gisele posing like some mangly tooth dog...
in other wtf news...my boss tried to restrict internet access on the computers at work...this is a 400 lb 19 year old (daddy is the owner so whats that tell ya?) that apparently doesn't have anything better to do with his time...i mean come on...the past 3 nights i've had 1 customer total...what the fuck am i supposed to do for 8 hours? i finished my latest book...i did my laundry...this is the only time i have to blog and waste time on the internet while getting paid for it...unfortunately for him it didn't work...i found ways around the content advisor in IE and i'm still blogging to my hearts content...
Monday, November 28, 2005
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
i love living in oceanside, ca...the high today was 83°...this was due to this phenomenon they call a santa ana (i'm not gonna bother trying to explain it)...makes it hot, dry, and windy...perfect weather for wearing shorts (isn't every day a perfect day for that?)...took a barefoot walk on the beach and pier...actually had to have the a/c on most of the day...i love it!
i guess this is one of the reasons i'll never move away from here...i was considering grand rapids, mi awhile back...my dad, sister, and brother live there...the forecast there for tomorrow calls for a high of 28°. lemme see...take a walk on the beach in mid november or freeze my balls off?
Friday, November 11, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
so i got a new cell phone today...finally! so now i can communicate with the outside world (besides using a payphone)...and they can now get in touch with me...i can even take pics & vidz with this one as well as get on the internet and check my email...and now i can even download some ringers...lotsa marilyn manson & linkin park. so now i get that much loved and very tedious task of transferring all my contacts from my old phone to my new phone...plus of course letting everyone know my new cell phone number...so if you previously had my number and i don't give you the new one there might just be a reason for it...don'tcha think?
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
my kiddies...
zayne...almost 4 months old now...sittin on my lap...laughin at auntie (who he just adores)...thats my little boy...
marissa...16 now...with a little green hair...to match her school colors of course...or is there another reason???
marissa...16 now...with a little green hair...to match her school colors of course...or is there another reason???
and she's not my kid...but she could be...one of amber getting her new tattoo set...aka slapped...smacked...hard...i only wish it was me who had the balls to do this to her...
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new blog...
yeah its been awhile...i'm starting over...whole new blog...if ya wanna know the address email me at phillipmeyer66@gmail.com and i'll think about it...
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pics...
here's a link to some pics of my new son and some other people...http://www.flickr.com/photos/phillipmeyer/
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introducing zayne alexander...
my little boy has finally arrived...i still can't believe it...he got here monday the 17th at 8:15 am weighing in at 8 lbs 15 oz. he has blonde hair and blue eyes like his daddy so i guess he's mine...it was a strange delivery...we got to the hospital sunday night around 7:00 pm and not much happened...we all went to sleep around midnight and woke up around 7:00 the next morning. amber went for a walk with her doula and then things kicked in...she went from 4 cm to having the baby in a little over an hour...and in what seems to typical of my luck these days i missed the delivery...i thought it was gonna take another hour or so till she finally had it...so i went out to have a quick smoke and when i came back they were taking pictures of him. he came out quick...she rolled over from her back to her side and the baby's head popped out...the doula had to go get the nurse because there was no one in the room at the time...no nurses, no doctor...nobody...the nurse was trying to find to find the doctor to come give her an epidural...one more push and he was all out...
we're all home now...everybody is healthy and happy...and since he's gonna be a true southern californian we took him for his first walk to the beach today...we only live six blocks from the beach. amber is doing good...although she still looks like she's 4 months pregnant...she still has that belly (isn't that a shame!)...and trust me, she doesn't like it one bit at all. her and i are doing pretty good at the moment...we got some things worked out between us and we're gonna figure out a way to coexist and raise our son together...it wont always be easy but we can do it...we need to...we have a little boy now...
p.s. if you care to donate to the "help get zayne circumcised" fund just lemme know...$320 just to do some cosmetic surgery to his little thingy...he better thank me later...
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couldn't resist this one...
some days are better than others...and some days are much, much worse...take a guess which one i had today...
everything started off fine...i got home and actually got some sleep...second day in a row...since amber insists we are just roommates and not friends (and according to her we haven't been friends since last july)...and because she also insists that i am only supposed to be doing things for the baby and not for her...this changes my day quite a bit. before i would get home from work at 7:00 am and i'd take care of her two little ones while she slept and after she got up...she has this extremely painful thing going on right now called Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (spd)...she can barely walk...i have to literally pick her up from the couch or bed to stand her up...any movement from her lower body is very painful. maybe i'm being a jerk here but since she has redefined our relationship i have taken her at her word...which means no more taking care of her kids...she can do it...if she can't get all the rest she needs well too bad. i've gotten 10 hours both of the past two days...before i'd be lucky to get 3 or 4...and that was usually at work. today she was looking for a live-in maid/babysitter...until she found out how much it was gonna cost...i told her she could pay me and i'd do it...but anyways...i digress...
so amber has a doctor's appointment today...we get there a 15 minutes early and have to wait till they unlock the place. being southern california it was kinda warm today...even warmer in the waiting room...and even warmer still in the patient room. and of course the one and only doctor that was gonna be there today was at the hospital with a difficult delivery...we waited 2 hours and never did see her...but i did manage a pretty good nap. and to top off this complete waste of time we go out to the car and the battery is dead. since amber is on welfare she doesn't have the best selection of clinics to choose from...and because of where we live the majority of patients at this particular clinic are mexican (nothing against them at all)...in fact i don't recall ever seeing another white woman at this place. so asking people that don't speak much english to give your car a jump is kinda hard to translate...i think most of them think we're asking something weird and just go with the default NO...but anyways we finally got the car going and we got on our way...
because of some recent legal touble with her ex we exchange the kids with him every day...drop off at 1:00...pick up at 6:00. i pick them up today and after i'm a few blocks away the car starts jumping and making some weird noises...long story short i ran outta gas. i swear the gas gauge was just a tad below ¼...doesn't matter...no more gas. i pull over to the side of the road...get the kids out and we hike it to a gas station a few blocks away...and of course we gotta cross some pretty busy intersections...ended up costing me $18 for a gallon of gas...the gas can included in that of course. on the way home i went to the cheapo gas station and paid $3.09 a gallon...spent a total of almost $30 and got less than 4 gallons of gas...i wasn't too happy. and to top all of that off i was stupid and trying to be kinda nice to amber...she's been having chocolate cravings recently...before i picked up the kids i stopped at the store and got her 3 mr. goodbars and 2 big bags of peanut m&ms...which of course were nice and melted during this whole process...
some days its better just to mix some alcohol with some nice drugs and just sleep the day away...
p.s. i bought amber this rose plant for valentines...since she now has a boyfriend the plant has been neglected...its pretty much dead now...which i pointed out to amber is pretty symbolic of our friendship now...
everything started off fine...i got home and actually got some sleep...second day in a row...since amber insists we are just roommates and not friends (and according to her we haven't been friends since last july)...and because she also insists that i am only supposed to be doing things for the baby and not for her...this changes my day quite a bit. before i would get home from work at 7:00 am and i'd take care of her two little ones while she slept and after she got up...she has this extremely painful thing going on right now called Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (spd)...she can barely walk...i have to literally pick her up from the couch or bed to stand her up...any movement from her lower body is very painful. maybe i'm being a jerk here but since she has redefined our relationship i have taken her at her word...which means no more taking care of her kids...she can do it...if she can't get all the rest she needs well too bad. i've gotten 10 hours both of the past two days...before i'd be lucky to get 3 or 4...and that was usually at work. today she was looking for a live-in maid/babysitter...until she found out how much it was gonna cost...i told her she could pay me and i'd do it...but anyways...i digress...
so amber has a doctor's appointment today...we get there a 15 minutes early and have to wait till they unlock the place. being southern california it was kinda warm today...even warmer in the waiting room...and even warmer still in the patient room. and of course the one and only doctor that was gonna be there today was at the hospital with a difficult delivery...we waited 2 hours and never did see her...but i did manage a pretty good nap. and to top off this complete waste of time we go out to the car and the battery is dead. since amber is on welfare she doesn't have the best selection of clinics to choose from...and because of where we live the majority of patients at this particular clinic are mexican (nothing against them at all)...in fact i don't recall ever seeing another white woman at this place. so asking people that don't speak much english to give your car a jump is kinda hard to translate...i think most of them think we're asking something weird and just go with the default NO...but anyways we finally got the car going and we got on our way...
because of some recent legal touble with her ex we exchange the kids with him every day...drop off at 1:00...pick up at 6:00. i pick them up today and after i'm a few blocks away the car starts jumping and making some weird noises...long story short i ran outta gas. i swear the gas gauge was just a tad below ¼...doesn't matter...no more gas. i pull over to the side of the road...get the kids out and we hike it to a gas station a few blocks away...and of course we gotta cross some pretty busy intersections...ended up costing me $18 for a gallon of gas...the gas can included in that of course. on the way home i went to the cheapo gas station and paid $3.09 a gallon...spent a total of almost $30 and got less than 4 gallons of gas...i wasn't too happy. and to top all of that off i was stupid and trying to be kinda nice to amber...she's been having chocolate cravings recently...before i picked up the kids i stopped at the store and got her 3 mr. goodbars and 2 big bags of peanut m&ms...which of course were nice and melted during this whole process...
some days its better just to mix some alcohol with some nice drugs and just sleep the day away...
p.s. i bought amber this rose plant for valentines...since she now has a boyfriend the plant has been neglected...its pretty much dead now...which i pointed out to amber is pretty symbolic of our friendship now...
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leaving on a jet plane...
dont know if i'll be back again...
i'm taking a break from this blog for awhile...i'm in a very dark place at the moment...and even though this blog has been a kinda therapy for me for more than a year it no longer is. there are things going on in my life right now that i wanna talk about...i need to talk about...but i cant...not to anyone. the past 18 months of my life has been one big delusion...things i thought were absolutely positively true have turned out to be lies...i dont even know what the truth is anymore...i question everything. i'm at a point now where i feel the imminent birth of my son is a curse rather than the blessing it should be...i think i need to hit rock bottom once again so i can begin the slow and painful process of rebuilding my life...
my self imposed exile from blogging is only a temporary thing...but for this particular blog i think its permanent...i need something completely anonymous...i was very naive to use my real name for my blog address...i guess i'm just not clever enough to come up with something catchy instead...but i'll have some time to think about it for next time. once i'm back i'll contact most of you to let you know where to find me...and i'll also post something about my son once he finally gets here...
later...
Risk my soul, test my life
For my bread
Spend my time lost in space
Am I dead?
Let the river flow
Through my callused hands
And take me from my own
The eyes of the damned
It makes my stomach turn
And it tears my flesh from the bone
How we turn a dream to stone
And we all die young
Yeah we all die young
Tell me I know
I lived so afraid
And still we cry alone
With words left unsaid
Yeh it makes my stomach turn
And it tears my flesh from bone to bone
How we turn a dream to stone
And we all die young
i'm taking a break from this blog for awhile...i'm in a very dark place at the moment...and even though this blog has been a kinda therapy for me for more than a year it no longer is. there are things going on in my life right now that i wanna talk about...i need to talk about...but i cant...not to anyone. the past 18 months of my life has been one big delusion...things i thought were absolutely positively true have turned out to be lies...i dont even know what the truth is anymore...i question everything. i'm at a point now where i feel the imminent birth of my son is a curse rather than the blessing it should be...i think i need to hit rock bottom once again so i can begin the slow and painful process of rebuilding my life...
my self imposed exile from blogging is only a temporary thing...but for this particular blog i think its permanent...i need something completely anonymous...i was very naive to use my real name for my blog address...i guess i'm just not clever enough to come up with something catchy instead...but i'll have some time to think about it for next time. once i'm back i'll contact most of you to let you know where to find me...and i'll also post something about my son once he finally gets here...
later...
Risk my soul, test my life
For my bread
Spend my time lost in space
Am I dead?
Let the river flow
Through my callused hands
And take me from my own
The eyes of the damned
It makes my stomach turn
And it tears my flesh from the bone
How we turn a dream to stone
And we all die young
Yeah we all die young
Tell me I know
I lived so afraid
And still we cry alone
With words left unsaid
Yeh it makes my stomach turn
And it tears my flesh from bone to bone
How we turn a dream to stone
And we all die young
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road to nowhere...
I was looking back on my life
And all the things I’ve done to me
I’m still looking for the answers
I’m still searching for the key
The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just won’t leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The road to nowhere leads to me
Through all the happiness and sorrow
I guess I’d do it all again
Live for today and not tomorrow
It’s still the road that never ends
Ah ah
The road to nowhere’s gonna pass me by
Ah ah
I hope we never have to say goodbye
I never want to live without you
And all the things I’ve done to me
I’m still looking for the answers
I’m still searching for the key
The wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
It just won’t leave me alone
I still find it all a mystery
Could it be a dream?
The road to nowhere leads to me
Through all the happiness and sorrow
I guess I’d do it all again
Live for today and not tomorrow
It’s still the road that never ends
Ah ah
The road to nowhere’s gonna pass me by
Ah ah
I hope we never have to say goodbye
I never want to live without you
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what? me worry?
so nothing at all going on at the moment...nothing dramatic to write about...still waiting for the baby to get here...could be any day now...other than that nothing really...oh there is one thing you all might find interesting...amber has a new boyfriend...sorry, excuse me, correction here...amber has a new friend...they're just friends...nothing happens...she just secretly has him over after i leave for work and they cuddle up on the couch and makeout (she initiates it of course)...i found out last week and even after i confronted her and she promised she wasn't gonna see him in our apartment anymore she has continued to do so...even had him over again tonight. no big deal of course...she's single and completely unattached...there's nothing going on between us...we're just having a baby together any day now...living in the same house together...i mean isn't the 9th month of your pregnancy the perfect time to bring over a friend you never met in person, only on myspace, and start making out with him 5 minutes after he walks in the door? don't ask me how i know all this but i do have my ways. maybe it has something to do with amber recently telling me that she pretty much doesn't want anything to do with this baby...she feels guilty its so completely unwanted by her...its why she wanted to kill herself during the first part of the pregnancy...and of course she wants me to take the baby after its born...she wants something called "a normal life"...you know...go out partying a few nights a week kinda thing...i guess a newborn kinda hampers that lifestyle...
of all the people in this world i had to hook up with and get pregnant it had to be a fucking psycho like this...i mean what are the chances? and trust me...you don't know half of whats going on right now...maybe someday...
*minor correction - she didn't have him over last night...she just went over to his place till 4:00 am or so...
of all the people in this world i had to hook up with and get pregnant it had to be a fucking psycho like this...i mean what are the chances? and trust me...you don't know half of whats going on right now...maybe someday...
*minor correction - she didn't have him over last night...she just went over to his place till 4:00 am or so...
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7 lbs 4 oz...
so we went to the doctor yesterday for the weekly checkup...according to the ultrasound our son now weighs 7 lbs 4 oz ± half a pound...he gonna be a big one...and he's not even due for another month. amber wants to have him now...he's big enough already...i hope he waits as long as possible...she needs some pain for what she's done to me...ok, maybe just a little bit. i'm also gonna get this t-shirt for him being such a good boy. they got other good ones at t-shirt hell...i'll keep ya posted on when he finally gets here...other than that i haven't really felt inspired to write anything recently...i guess i need some drama in my life to give me something to write about...and the drama i currently have isn't something i wanna put here...
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happy birthday marissa...
i love ya sweetie...
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why is it so hard...
i wrote this post almost a year ago and even today almost every single word still holds true...
so why is it so hard to find that special someone? with all the people in your life you'd think finding just one person to love you the same way you love them would be a piece of cake...but it isn't...it's far from it. it's either you're not that into them or they're not that into you...it's never the same level of interest, let alone love...
i'm in love with someone right now, and nothing against her at all, she's a very good person...sweet, caring, intelligent, beautiful, etc. (i could go on and on)...but she's not in love with me...i know she's not. we're a little more than just friends and i'm pretty sure there's a part of her that loves me in her own way...but it's not the same way i feel for her...and i doubt it ever will be...
we see each other every single day...we do things together all the time...i do anything she asks me to...and i even do things before she asks me to...i'm completely and totally into her. i watch her when she isn't looking...not in the freakish kinda way...but almost like i'm just admiring the simply beautiful things about her. i'd do anything to have her return just a fraction of the love i'd like to have from her...but it's not going to happen...at least not for quite some time...years maybe...if ever...
so what am i supposed to do? wait for the possibility that some day she will love me the way i'd like her too? take the chance it might happen? what if it doesn't? then what do i do? i'm almost 40 now (she's a little over half that)...sorta like the biological clock women hear in their heads when they're approaching that age...with me it's like i'm getting too old to find someone interesting and attractive to be with (i'd settle for just interesting)...and that thought scares the shit outta me. who wants to grow old and be alone? sure, in my 20s i loved my independence...go out and do anything i wanted...sleep with as many hotties as i could...it was fun back then...but now i want stability and committment in my life and i just can't seem to get it. i want, just not a sexual / romantic partner, but also a life partner...someone to share my life with...someone who has the same goals in life...the same interests...the same outlook...the same sense that dependence on your partner is a good thing. how do i find it? why is it so hard to find? that's the question i keep asking myself day after day after day...i see it in my grasp but i just can't seem to reach out far enough and get it...to hold it tight...and to never let it go...i see other people that have it...i want it too...is that asking too much? why is it so fucking hard to find that special someone that is on this earth just to be with you?
so why is it so hard to find that special someone? with all the people in your life you'd think finding just one person to love you the same way you love them would be a piece of cake...but it isn't...it's far from it. it's either you're not that into them or they're not that into you...it's never the same level of interest, let alone love...
i'm in love with someone right now, and nothing against her at all, she's a very good person...sweet, caring, intelligent, beautiful, etc. (i could go on and on)...but she's not in love with me...i know she's not. we're a little more than just friends and i'm pretty sure there's a part of her that loves me in her own way...but it's not the same way i feel for her...and i doubt it ever will be...
we see each other every single day...we do things together all the time...i do anything she asks me to...and i even do things before she asks me to...i'm completely and totally into her. i watch her when she isn't looking...not in the freakish kinda way...but almost like i'm just admiring the simply beautiful things about her. i'd do anything to have her return just a fraction of the love i'd like to have from her...but it's not going to happen...at least not for quite some time...years maybe...if ever...
so what am i supposed to do? wait for the possibility that some day she will love me the way i'd like her too? take the chance it might happen? what if it doesn't? then what do i do? i'm almost 40 now (she's a little over half that)...sorta like the biological clock women hear in their heads when they're approaching that age...with me it's like i'm getting too old to find someone interesting and attractive to be with (i'd settle for just interesting)...and that thought scares the shit outta me. who wants to grow old and be alone? sure, in my 20s i loved my independence...go out and do anything i wanted...sleep with as many hotties as i could...it was fun back then...but now i want stability and committment in my life and i just can't seem to get it. i want, just not a sexual / romantic partner, but also a life partner...someone to share my life with...someone who has the same goals in life...the same interests...the same outlook...the same sense that dependence on your partner is a good thing. how do i find it? why is it so hard to find? that's the question i keep asking myself day after day after day...i see it in my grasp but i just can't seem to reach out far enough and get it...to hold it tight...and to never let it go...i see other people that have it...i want it too...is that asking too much? why is it so fucking hard to find that special someone that is on this earth just to be with you?
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three cheers for love...
Love is anathema to logic.
Love is aimless revolution.
Love will cure the phobia, & instills an inner peace.
Love is lateral and wild.
Love will form a laughter line from every troubled frown.
Love is nature's prozak without the coming down.
Love is an umbrella when there isn't any rain, an aromatic massage when there isn't any pain.
Love is weeping eye to eye.
Love is as -stubborn- as the stain that even Persil can't remove.
Love is a scratchy motown track, the dirty needle in the groove.
Love makes a mug of tea in bed the morning after boozing.
Love is setting lovers free while subliminally accusing.
Love is late for work... again.
Love is looking glam, the best thing i the universe, and a good-for-nothing sham.
Love is kissing under moonlight.
Love is 9 to 5 reviled but gives us sweaty palms, is yet a call to arms.
Love connects to bleeding heart to the throbbing vein.
Love is life's lubricant.
Love is 4 legs in a bath.
Love makes 2 individuals a single psychopath.
Love is a triple figure phone bill.
Love will strike us dumb, it leads to lavish poetry to which we all succumb.
Love is very complicated.
Love is black & white, it might be paradoxical, but always love is right.
Love is bloodyminded.
Love is strong & true.
Love is unafraid of cliche.
Love is her & him.
Love is everything and everyone.
thanks to sweet insanity for this
Love is aimless revolution.
Love will cure the phobia, & instills an inner peace.
Love is lateral and wild.
Love will form a laughter line from every troubled frown.
Love is nature's prozak without the coming down.
Love is an umbrella when there isn't any rain, an aromatic massage when there isn't any pain.
Love is weeping eye to eye.
Love is as -stubborn- as the stain that even Persil can't remove.
Love is a scratchy motown track, the dirty needle in the groove.
Love makes a mug of tea in bed the morning after boozing.
Love is setting lovers free while subliminally accusing.
Love is late for work... again.
Love is looking glam, the best thing i the universe, and a good-for-nothing sham.
Love is kissing under moonlight.
Love is 9 to 5 reviled but gives us sweaty palms, is yet a call to arms.
Love connects to bleeding heart to the throbbing vein.
Love is life's lubricant.
Love is 4 legs in a bath.
Love makes 2 individuals a single psychopath.
Love is a triple figure phone bill.
Love will strike us dumb, it leads to lavish poetry to which we all succumb.
Love is very complicated.
Love is black & white, it might be paradoxical, but always love is right.
Love is bloodyminded.
Love is strong & true.
Love is unafraid of cliche.
Love is her & him.
Love is everything and everyone.
thanks to sweet insanity for this
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shopping can kill you...
we've all seen these things...they're in the grocery stores, wal-mart usually has a ton of them, you can even get them in the malls too. a seemingly simple and safe little scooter for those that need them to get around...but in the hands of the inexperienced (or wannabe nascar driver) they can easily become a lethal device...so amber and i headed out to the local mall today to look for some maternity things for her...and since she's supposed to be on bed rest we decided to get her one of these things. a word to the wise...keep a safe distance from these electric death scooters...their acceleration is quite deceptive...don't walk in front of them...don't stand too close to the back of one (they stop on a dime...usually)...and never, ever get in an elevator with one. there musta been 2 dozen times when i was behind her and she stops all of a sudden to look at something and i almost fell on top of her. another handful of times when she turned pretty damn quick and almost ran me over. she's running into things left and right...and loving it. but the elevators were the worst. thankfully most of them were so small that all she could do was barely get the thing in the door and then back it out when we got to the desired floor. unfortunately not all elevators are created the same...some are rather large...like the one in macys...the thing is huge...and for one of these scooters there's quite a bit of room to maneuver...which is where the real trouble begins. she sees all this open space...i see a death trap waiting to happen...i get as far away from her as possible...she whips the thing around to get a better angle...i swiftly move to the opposite side of the compartment...a split second later she hits the reverse and rams the thing in the very spot i was just standing. look at the picture i put on here...its the exact same thing she was slinging around today...see the basket on the back? it may not look like it but the top of the basket is pretty much level with my balls. if i didn't posses such quick reflexes i woulda been writing this from a hospital bed...minus the ability to ever created any more kids. coincidence? i think not. i think something sinister flashed into her wicked (yet beautiful) head at that very moment...something about how i got her knocked up...something about how its such a pain in the ass to be 8 months pregnant and on bed rest for the past month and a half...she saw an opportunity for a little payback and she pounced on it. but insteada nailing me she just hit the wall pretty good and broke the bumper. later in the day her patience musta been wearing a little thin and she tried to break down some elevator doors before they opened...not sure if she apologized to the guy standing there waiting to get in with his kid in a stroller...i know he backed up pretty damn quick though at the sound of the crash. and of course she's laughing her ass off with each of these misadventures. i had a huge sigh of relief when the shopping day was done and we finally turned the thing back in...she was back to moving gingerly with each step...
ok, so i exaggerated a little bit...so what...all those things did happen but it wasn't quite so dramatic...but we were laughing all the way home thinking about all the fun we had with that little scooter...
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is something really better than nothing?
i'm currently asking myself this question...thats the situation i'm currently in...nothing is gonna happen between us romantically...except for the occassional sexual encounter...but thats pretty much it. she's still my best friend and i know she cares about me...we live together and we get along great...we even act like a couple in so many ways. we recently had some very good talks and emails about our situation and whats gonna happen in the future...i made it clear that it would be way too painful to live with her if she starts dating again...and she also made it clear that she has no intention of dating anytime in the foreseeable future...so for now we're just gonna keep on doing what we're doing...status quo...but is it really good enough for me? i don't know...on the one hand i have someone that i'm completely compatible with and she fulfills almost all of my needs...but on the other hand i know that this relationship has its limits and its going to end sometime in the future...its gone as far as its going to go...it may be years from now when we finally go our separate ways...and then where will i be? i'm almost 40 right now...my prospects are dwindling by the day...i have an extremely hard time meeting people as it is...whats it going to be like a few years from now? will i have any chance of finding that one person that was meant for me? i have no clue at the moment. a friend of mine left this comment on a previous post..."Just remember to live in the moment :) there is only right now, and right now, and right now..." pretty good advice...for now i think thats what i'm gonna be doing...i'll let the future work itself out when it gets here...
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somebody to love...
Can anybody find me somebody to love?Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?
(He works hard)
Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah
Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
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where am i going? nowhere...
maybe the more appropriate title for this post should be "where are we going? nowhere..." during the 3 months that we were apart there was only one thing i wanted in life...just one more chance with her...one chance to do things right...one chance to show her i was the man of her dreams and she would want to be with me forever. i was completely stunned when she called me up outta the blue and wanted to see me again...we met for lunch and we've been together every single day since then...we're living together again. i was even more stunned when she said she wanted to see where things would go with us...finally there was the possibility of an official relationship between us...we even officially became boyfriend/girlfriend. but all that was short lived...very short lived...it only lasted 2 whole days until things came to a screeching halt. she wrote me a letter...she said she was trying to love me...she wanted to love me...but it just wasn't there...her heart wasn't into it. she said she thought about marrying me because we would have a good family together...but she wouldn't have been happy in that marriage...
that was 2 months ago...in the time since then we've been through alot...all the complications with her pregnancy...different things that always seem to pop up...and we remain kinda close...pretty close actually...we've even talked about moving away somewhere together...but i just get that feeling...the very strong feeling that things between us are going nowhere and never will. i feel like i'm just someone to take care of her until the baby is born and then help her out afterwards...i feel like i'm just someone thats around until someone anyone else comes along and then i'll be uncerimoniously cast aside without a second thought...i can already see it happening...i'm not being paranoid or anything...i just know her too well. we're in one of those weird relationships where there's something between us but there really isn't...it only makes sense to us and we're the only ones that really know whats going on...we act like a couple...we put all our money together to pay the bills...we're buying furniture together...but yet we both know we're not a couple...neither of us have the desire at the moment to see anyone else...but if we wanted to we could and it wouldn't be cheating...there's no strings attached...but i can tell she's itching to get back out there and live the single life again...and that's something i can't live with...i'm not gonna live with her if she's dating other people...it'd be like getting constantly kicked in the balls and told to like it...i don't wanna be around while she's planning her dates, getting ready for them, and telling her sister all the details afterwards...who in their right mind would wanna go through that?
i guess part of me resents her...she tells me that she loves her ex and prolly always will...her ex who is practically living with us...she says nothing will ever happen with them again...but i see the way she looks and talks to him...i could really care less...the point is that she can love someone that has hurt her so badly for so many years and yet she just can't seem to love me...not even as a friend...i've only heard those words come outta her mouth about me once and that was 8 or 9 months ago. i do everything i can for her...i give her everything i have...i take care of her in every way possible...but whats the payoff? maybe i'm being selfish in wondering this but whats in this for me? what do i get in the end? is she ever gonna love me? is she ever gonna wanna spend the rest of her life with me? of course not! so why am i even doing all this?
so i ask myself one simple question...where am i going? nowhere...
that was 2 months ago...in the time since then we've been through alot...all the complications with her pregnancy...different things that always seem to pop up...and we remain kinda close...pretty close actually...we've even talked about moving away somewhere together...but i just get that feeling...the very strong feeling that things between us are going nowhere and never will. i feel like i'm just someone to take care of her until the baby is born and then help her out afterwards...i feel like i'm just someone thats around until someone anyone else comes along and then i'll be uncerimoniously cast aside without a second thought...i can already see it happening...i'm not being paranoid or anything...i just know her too well. we're in one of those weird relationships where there's something between us but there really isn't...it only makes sense to us and we're the only ones that really know whats going on...we act like a couple...we put all our money together to pay the bills...we're buying furniture together...but yet we both know we're not a couple...neither of us have the desire at the moment to see anyone else...but if we wanted to we could and it wouldn't be cheating...there's no strings attached...but i can tell she's itching to get back out there and live the single life again...and that's something i can't live with...i'm not gonna live with her if she's dating other people...it'd be like getting constantly kicked in the balls and told to like it...i don't wanna be around while she's planning her dates, getting ready for them, and telling her sister all the details afterwards...who in their right mind would wanna go through that?
i guess part of me resents her...she tells me that she loves her ex and prolly always will...her ex who is practically living with us...she says nothing will ever happen with them again...but i see the way she looks and talks to him...i could really care less...the point is that she can love someone that has hurt her so badly for so many years and yet she just can't seem to love me...not even as a friend...i've only heard those words come outta her mouth about me once and that was 8 or 9 months ago. i do everything i can for her...i give her everything i have...i take care of her in every way possible...but whats the payoff? maybe i'm being selfish in wondering this but whats in this for me? what do i get in the end? is she ever gonna love me? is she ever gonna wanna spend the rest of her life with me? of course not! so why am i even doing all this?
so i ask myself one simple question...where am i going? nowhere...
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i'm a californian...that means...
-I'm MEXICAN or I've dated one
-Our chicks & dudes are WAYYYY hotter than yours
- I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "bro" and "peace out" and "hella" and I say them often.
- I know what real cheese & avocadoes taste like.
- I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, and Big Bear.
- Summers are really hot, and winters are warm. That's the way it is.
- I can wear sandals all year long.
- I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore".
- I know 65 mph really means 80+.
- When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and they accept it and give it back, because that's the
- The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border).
- My governor can kick your governors ass.
- I can go out at midnight and wear a tank top and skirt [girls]/ t-shirt and ripped jeans [guys].
-You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked were you're from, you give your area code.
- I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from
-we don't stop at stop signs...we do a "
- I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day.
- All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here.
- We have In-N-Out (
-I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more then yours, which means I'm better than you
-The best athletes come from here
-All the porn you watch is made here, cause we fuck better and thats how it is.
-So all you midwest and east coast suckers can take your precious seasons back to where you came from
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i'm curious...
just wondering who you are in seattle...i see you've read almost all of my blog over the past few days...i'm curious why you find it interesting...
i'm also wondering about the person in raleigh and what is that weird device you're using?
i'm also wondering about the person in raleigh and what is that weird device you're using?
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my sweeties...
the kids above are amber's two girls, kassandra (kasey) on the left and tiffany (tiffy) on the right. if you're wondering why their hair is so short its because tiffy got ahold of some scissors and decided to give her sister a hair cut a few months ago...its finally starting to grow out now. those two girls are one of the best things about being in a relationship with amber...
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incredible guitar player...
here's a video that i thought i'd share of this incredible guitar player...and the really amazing thing is that he's only 10 years old...check it out...i'd love to be able to play half this good...
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my valentine...
love is just a word until you have someone to give it proper meaning...i have that someone in my life and i am eternally grateful that i do...my life is so much better with her in it...its hard to imagine a life without her. the other day we were joking around...i made a comment about some hottie that just walked by...i called her my future ex-girlfriend...amber said "i don't think so"...i belong to her...i'm her "property"...at least for the next year or so. we both knew she was joking around with those kinda comments...neither of us is like that in the least...but just to hear her say something like that even in jest made my heart start beating a tad bit faster...
so how do you know when you truly love someone? to me it's the point when you wanna unselfishly do things for that other person before you do things for yourself. i got off work the other day and i was kinda tired...but even though she had slept most of the night amber still needed some more sleep...so about 15 minutes after i got home the kids woke up and i took care of them & played with them for the next few hours so amber could get the sleep she needed...i didn't think twice about it...i knew i'd get my sleep later in the day. we don't have alot of money at the moment...been getting things we need for the new apartment...so i don't have any money to get amber anything for valentines day...not that she minds at all. so we're unpacking the bedroom tonight...the unpacking process is going slow since we don't have much time to do it with her on bedrest. so i'm getting her all her lotions and beauty products so she can put them away in the bathroom and i come across this one bag that was over in the corner and kinda hidden away...as i start looking in the bag to see what it is she ran over and grabbed the bag outta my hand telling me i'm not supposed to look in that bag. at that moment we both knew her secret was out...she had secretly got me a valentines day present even though we had both agreed not to this year...she didn't want anything for herself but she wanted to get me something...that's the girl i love...and the girl that loves me...for all of you that have someone to love i hope you realize what you have and don't make the mistake i once made and take that love for granted...and for those of you that don't have that special someone in your life right now i hope that some day soon you find the love of your life...there's nothing better than loving and sharing your life with someone...
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boondock saints...
amber's sister, trish, has been telling us about this movie for quite some time now and she borrowed it from a friend the other day and we finally got to watch it and we absolutely love it...we've seen it 3 times now...a very, very funny movie. i'm not a huge fan of willem dafoe but he's hilarious as a gay fbi agent...the other main characters are pretty good too. one of those movies that you wanna watch more than once to pick up on all the little quirks...
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idiots...
sometimes you come across certain individuals and the first word that comes to mind is "idiot"...here are two i came across recently...
this guy isn't an idiot because he's on his way to jail...i call him an idiot becuase he has "fuck you" tattoo'd on his eyebrows...what inspired that i wonder? i always say that if you're gonna get a tattoo make sure its not something you're gonna be embarrassed to have later in life...like when you're 50 or 60...but for some odd reason i kinda doubt this guy is gonna make it to his golden years...
this guy isn't an idiot in my book because of his stupid aryan tattoos (well, i guess he is now that i think about it)...this is another guy on his way to jail and he decided it'd be fun to resist arrest...the bruises on his face are courtesy of whatever law enforcement officer(s) he thought it was a good idea to take on. i get the impression that with a nose like the one this guy has he's been in a fight or three in his time and more often than not he gets his ass kicked pretty good...you'd've thunk by now he'd know when to fight his battles and when to be a nice, passive little hitler wannabe...apparently that lesson was lost on this idiot...
btw...pic are courtesy of the smoking gun...
this guy isn't an idiot because he's on his way to jail...i call him an idiot becuase he has "fuck you" tattoo'd on his eyebrows...what inspired that i wonder? i always say that if you're gonna get a tattoo make sure its not something you're gonna be embarrassed to have later in life...like when you're 50 or 60...but for some odd reason i kinda doubt this guy is gonna make it to his golden years...
this guy isn't an idiot in my book because of his stupid aryan tattoos (well, i guess he is now that i think about it)...this is another guy on his way to jail and he decided it'd be fun to resist arrest...the bruises on his face are courtesy of whatever law enforcement officer(s) he thought it was a good idea to take on. i get the impression that with a nose like the one this guy has he's been in a fight or three in his time and more often than not he gets his ass kicked pretty good...you'd've thunk by now he'd know when to fight his battles and when to be a nice, passive little hitler wannabe...apparently that lesson was lost on this idiot...btw...pic are courtesy of the smoking gun...
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i hate doctors...
wow...two long posts in one day...i'm on a roll...
first of all i don't hate all doctors...my ex, teresa, has worked in a pediatric office for 14 years and when we were married i got to know all of the doctors there personally, i've been to their homes socially on numerous occasions, and they were never the type of person that you addressed them as doctor so-and-so...they wanted to be called by their first names. just because they had a special title in front of their names didn't make them omnipotent...
but i've had a few experiences recently with some doctors and it just pisses me off to no end. the first one i'm gonna call dr punk-ass because the picture of him on the wall of the office is him smirking almost with this punkish look on his face...i wanna smack him everytime i see that stupid picture...and maybe i will if i ever see him...i haven't yet because he's one of those doctors that apparently doesn't like to actually see his patients but just affect their healthcare from high above on his throne...which is one of the reasons why i hate him. in a previous post i mentioned that amber had this test that came back positive and it basically meant that she's likely to have the baby in the next two weeks. so dr punk-ass calls amber last saturday and tells her about the test results and says she needs to get to the hospital immediately to get the steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop faster because this baby was coming soon. tell that to someone who isn't supposed to have the baby for another two months and how do you think they're gonna feel? amber called me outta a meeting at work to come home to take her to the hospital...she's super stressed and nervous and freaking out (and she's normally cool as ice with just about everything)...but what dr punk-ass failed to mention was the chances of her actually having the baby in the next two weeks...a whole 16% chance...thats a 1 in 6 chance. did he bother telling her this little tidbit of information? of course not...he made it seem like it was a 90% chance or something high like that...he didn't bother assuring her that everything is gonna be fine or telling her not to worry...he made everything seem like a worst case scenario. ASSHOLE! we didn't find out the percentage until 3 days later...3 days in which we're both stressing about the baby coming any day now and all the things we needed to do still...
and amber has been having contractions since january 13th...full moon friday the 13th...hard to forget that date...she been to the hospital 5 times now to get shots to stop the contractions (plus another 2 times for the steroid shots)...she got the pill version of the shot so she doesn't have to go to the hospital a few times a day...prescibed of course by dr punk-ass...but he didn't add any refills so a few days later when she's outta pills she tries to call him to get a refill...good luck with that! we called, the pharmacy called...nothing. and thanks to the local sav-on pharmacy for giving her pills on 3 separate occasions until the refill finally came through...it took a week (and one very determined pharmacist) to finally get dr punk ass's approval for a refill...of course while amber is waiting in the car while we're on the way to the hospital again to get the shot version. you fucking idiot...she's gonna be on these pills for the next 10 weeks...she's gonna need refills when she takes 8 or 10 a day...
so the other day we're at the hospital waiting for the latest round of shots to stop the contractions...sitting in a doctor's office for 2½ hours waiting to be seen will do that to ya...you give us an appointment for a certain time and we get there 15 minutes early waiting that long with two toddlers in tow will drive anyone nuts and wanna kill someone for retribution...but anyways...so were at the hospital and this other doctor...who for this particular rant we'll call dr white (because the dude is so old and pale he is very white)...so dr white comes in to see amber...dr white btw delivered amber's 2nd child...first thing he says is that he remembers amber as a former patient...next thing he says is (and i shit you not) "so is this your first pregnancy?" uuuhhh, hey dumbass...you delivered one of her kids...how can this possibly be her first pregnancy? my confidence in this guy immediately went to minus 12 on a scale of 1 to 10. it went even lower when he went to stick his fingers in her and he forgot to put on a glove or get some lube...thankfully the nurse gracefully reminded him before he achieved penetration...now i know why when the nurse told us that dr white would be coming and amber sat upright and said "dr white? dr he-who-must-not-be-named white?" doctors...gotta love em...and put your lives in their hands...
first of all i don't hate all doctors...my ex, teresa, has worked in a pediatric office for 14 years and when we were married i got to know all of the doctors there personally, i've been to their homes socially on numerous occasions, and they were never the type of person that you addressed them as doctor so-and-so...they wanted to be called by their first names. just because they had a special title in front of their names didn't make them omnipotent...
but i've had a few experiences recently with some doctors and it just pisses me off to no end. the first one i'm gonna call dr punk-ass because the picture of him on the wall of the office is him smirking almost with this punkish look on his face...i wanna smack him everytime i see that stupid picture...and maybe i will if i ever see him...i haven't yet because he's one of those doctors that apparently doesn't like to actually see his patients but just affect their healthcare from high above on his throne...which is one of the reasons why i hate him. in a previous post i mentioned that amber had this test that came back positive and it basically meant that she's likely to have the baby in the next two weeks. so dr punk-ass calls amber last saturday and tells her about the test results and says she needs to get to the hospital immediately to get the steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop faster because this baby was coming soon. tell that to someone who isn't supposed to have the baby for another two months and how do you think they're gonna feel? amber called me outta a meeting at work to come home to take her to the hospital...she's super stressed and nervous and freaking out (and she's normally cool as ice with just about everything)...but what dr punk-ass failed to mention was the chances of her actually having the baby in the next two weeks...a whole 16% chance...thats a 1 in 6 chance. did he bother telling her this little tidbit of information? of course not...he made it seem like it was a 90% chance or something high like that...he didn't bother assuring her that everything is gonna be fine or telling her not to worry...he made everything seem like a worst case scenario. ASSHOLE! we didn't find out the percentage until 3 days later...3 days in which we're both stressing about the baby coming any day now and all the things we needed to do still...
and amber has been having contractions since january 13th...full moon friday the 13th...hard to forget that date...she been to the hospital 5 times now to get shots to stop the contractions (plus another 2 times for the steroid shots)...she got the pill version of the shot so she doesn't have to go to the hospital a few times a day...prescibed of course by dr punk-ass...but he didn't add any refills so a few days later when she's outta pills she tries to call him to get a refill...good luck with that! we called, the pharmacy called...nothing. and thanks to the local sav-on pharmacy for giving her pills on 3 separate occasions until the refill finally came through...it took a week (and one very determined pharmacist) to finally get dr punk ass's approval for a refill...of course while amber is waiting in the car while we're on the way to the hospital again to get the shot version. you fucking idiot...she's gonna be on these pills for the next 10 weeks...she's gonna need refills when she takes 8 or 10 a day...
so the other day we're at the hospital waiting for the latest round of shots to stop the contractions...sitting in a doctor's office for 2½ hours waiting to be seen will do that to ya...you give us an appointment for a certain time and we get there 15 minutes early waiting that long with two toddlers in tow will drive anyone nuts and wanna kill someone for retribution...but anyways...so were at the hospital and this other doctor...who for this particular rant we'll call dr white (because the dude is so old and pale he is very white)...so dr white comes in to see amber...dr white btw delivered amber's 2nd child...first thing he says is that he remembers amber as a former patient...next thing he says is (and i shit you not) "so is this your first pregnancy?" uuuhhh, hey dumbass...you delivered one of her kids...how can this possibly be her first pregnancy? my confidence in this guy immediately went to minus 12 on a scale of 1 to 10. it went even lower when he went to stick his fingers in her and he forgot to put on a glove or get some lube...thankfully the nurse gracefully reminded him before he achieved penetration...now i know why when the nurse told us that dr white would be coming and amber sat upright and said "dr white? dr he-who-must-not-be-named white?" doctors...gotta love em...and put your lives in their hands...
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comments...
so i have my comments set up so every time someone makes a comment on one of my posts it sends me an email and i typically like to reply directly to that commentor...it kinda feels more personal that way...and its why you normally don't see replies from me in my comments. but i got more than the usual number of comments on my last post and instaed of emailing those individuals directly or put a long comment myself i thought i'd write a post that is a response to all those great comments...
first of all...for those of you that said that amber is beautiful and has that glow we both say thank you...yes, i showed her all the comments and it was quite the ego boost for her...she doesn't exactly feel very beautiful these days...i tell her she is quite a few times every single day but to hear it from someone else just makes her day...and mine too. i love that her belly is getting big and i want it to get even bigger than it already is...she's not quite so sure about that...bigger belly means bigger baby. we took quite a few other pics of her in the bathtub...nothing pornographic (well maybe one or three) but mostly just to show her belly sticking outta the water...and she's finally starting to like seeing pics of herself...i wish she'd lemme take more...when she does i'll post them...and with a better camera than my cell phone this time...
the jehovah's witness thing...it's a hard one...i went to a baptist high school and even though i haven't been to church in over 20 years (and i had a few bad experiences myself) i do remember a few things i was taught...and what her parents are doing to her is not one of them. i was taught things like love and forgiveness and acceptance. i've never seen someone so messed up because of a religion...and the religion didn't just mess up her relationship with her family but it also helped her to be a victim in her own marriage...without revealing too much the things she learned from the church made her completely subserviant in more ways than one someone who knew what to look for and he completely took advantage of the situation. things that you and i take as common knowledge were completly alien to her. to her she had to say yes to everything her husband said whether she wanted to or not simply because he was the man and she was only a woman...not even close to being an equal. when we first started seeing each other she was amazed that i asked her opinion about simple things like where to go for dinner or which movie to see...she wasn't used to being able make decisions...the stupid religion taught her this...its pathetic and sad. one of the things we do now is when i get paid i give her my paycheck and let her make all the money decisions and pay all the bills...we discuss everything and in reality we're equal as far as all that goes...but the mental thing it does for her to know she's in charge of the money is a huge deal for her...
some of you that've read quite a bit of my blog or know me know that i quit the best job i ever had to take amber to vegas for her birthday (you can check out the very drunken and semi-amusing post i wrote about it here)...birthdays and almost all holidays aren't acknowledged by jehovahs witnesses...and amber had only had one birthday party in her 23 years of life...she didn't feel like a normal person...not weird but more like someone that wasn't part of normal society...so when faced with the decision of doing something to make her feel slighty more normal or keeping my job the decision was an easy one...i picked the girl i love...and of course as our luck would have it we didn't get to make the trip, it took quite awhile for me to find another job of any kind, she got pregnant, and i was homeless for 3 months...but she knew what i did for her and it all worked out in the end...
all this because of some way someone decided to teach God to others...i can't believe it sometimes. i told amber i'd do anything to help her parents accept her again...i'd even become a jehovah's witness myself (well not really)...we went to her church one night...it was a monday...and everyone there came up and said hi to me and was as nice as could be and no one said a word to her...she even had to sit in a special room behind everyone else so no one could see her and she wasn't supposed to talk to anyone...i mean i've never been there before in my life and everyone wants me to like it and come back and she grew up in it for all those years and she's a complete outcast now...no one can talk to her or associate with her...why did Jesus die on the cross? something about forgiveness? hypocrits! jonathan is right, when it comes to your children you're supposed to forget and forgive everything...especially when your child is doing everything she can to be part of her family...its not like she's some shoplifting stealing crack addict calling from jail to get bail money...sure, she has an unplanned pregnancy and we're not planning on getting married just yet but is that such a crime? we were together for almost a year and living together when this happened...it wasn't some casual one night stand or anything...i mean we talked once of getting married so her parents would feel better about the situation...thats not why someone gets married. i told amber that she needs to put her family behind her to a certain extent...she doesn't have to worry about her family because she has a new one...she's the matriarch of a new family...one with her and her three kids and me and her ex and marissa (my daughter) and her sister...she's the head of this new family and everyone connects through her...we're a family that all loves her and wants to be around her...
sorry about all this...i didn't intend this to be a post about jehovah's witness but i got off on a rant. but i want to thank everyone who comments on my blog...there's a reason why i like to reply individually to each of you...to me each comment is special and worthy of my individual attention...thanks again!
first of all...for those of you that said that amber is beautiful and has that glow we both say thank you...yes, i showed her all the comments and it was quite the ego boost for her...she doesn't exactly feel very beautiful these days...i tell her she is quite a few times every single day but to hear it from someone else just makes her day...and mine too. i love that her belly is getting big and i want it to get even bigger than it already is...she's not quite so sure about that...bigger belly means bigger baby. we took quite a few other pics of her in the bathtub...nothing pornographic (well maybe one or three) but mostly just to show her belly sticking outta the water...and she's finally starting to like seeing pics of herself...i wish she'd lemme take more...when she does i'll post them...and with a better camera than my cell phone this time...
the jehovah's witness thing...it's a hard one...i went to a baptist high school and even though i haven't been to church in over 20 years (and i had a few bad experiences myself) i do remember a few things i was taught...and what her parents are doing to her is not one of them. i was taught things like love and forgiveness and acceptance. i've never seen someone so messed up because of a religion...and the religion didn't just mess up her relationship with her family but it also helped her to be a victim in her own marriage...without revealing too much the things she learned from the church made her completely subserviant in more ways than one someone who knew what to look for and he completely took advantage of the situation. things that you and i take as common knowledge were completly alien to her. to her she had to say yes to everything her husband said whether she wanted to or not simply because he was the man and she was only a woman...not even close to being an equal. when we first started seeing each other she was amazed that i asked her opinion about simple things like where to go for dinner or which movie to see...she wasn't used to being able make decisions...the stupid religion taught her this...its pathetic and sad. one of the things we do now is when i get paid i give her my paycheck and let her make all the money decisions and pay all the bills...we discuss everything and in reality we're equal as far as all that goes...but the mental thing it does for her to know she's in charge of the money is a huge deal for her...
some of you that've read quite a bit of my blog or know me know that i quit the best job i ever had to take amber to vegas for her birthday (you can check out the very drunken and semi-amusing post i wrote about it here)...birthdays and almost all holidays aren't acknowledged by jehovahs witnesses...and amber had only had one birthday party in her 23 years of life...she didn't feel like a normal person...not weird but more like someone that wasn't part of normal society...so when faced with the decision of doing something to make her feel slighty more normal or keeping my job the decision was an easy one...i picked the girl i love...and of course as our luck would have it we didn't get to make the trip, it took quite awhile for me to find another job of any kind, she got pregnant, and i was homeless for 3 months...but she knew what i did for her and it all worked out in the end...
all this because of some way someone decided to teach God to others...i can't believe it sometimes. i told amber i'd do anything to help her parents accept her again...i'd even become a jehovah's witness myself (well not really)...we went to her church one night...it was a monday...and everyone there came up and said hi to me and was as nice as could be and no one said a word to her...she even had to sit in a special room behind everyone else so no one could see her and she wasn't supposed to talk to anyone...i mean i've never been there before in my life and everyone wants me to like it and come back and she grew up in it for all those years and she's a complete outcast now...no one can talk to her or associate with her...why did Jesus die on the cross? something about forgiveness? hypocrits! jonathan is right, when it comes to your children you're supposed to forget and forgive everything...especially when your child is doing everything she can to be part of her family...its not like she's some shoplifting stealing crack addict calling from jail to get bail money...sure, she has an unplanned pregnancy and we're not planning on getting married just yet but is that such a crime? we were together for almost a year and living together when this happened...it wasn't some casual one night stand or anything...i mean we talked once of getting married so her parents would feel better about the situation...thats not why someone gets married. i told amber that she needs to put her family behind her to a certain extent...she doesn't have to worry about her family because she has a new one...she's the matriarch of a new family...one with her and her three kids and me and her ex and marissa (my daughter) and her sister...she's the head of this new family and everyone connects through her...we're a family that all loves her and wants to be around her...
sorry about all this...i didn't intend this to be a post about jehovah's witness but i got off on a rant. but i want to thank everyone who comments on my blog...there's a reason why i like to reply individually to each of you...to me each comment is special and worthy of my individual attention...thanks again!
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2 more weeks???
so amber got a test on friday at the doctors office and it came back positive...apparently her body is producing some kinda chemical that induces birth and chances are likely that our son is gonna be born some time in the next 2 weeks...not exactly the news we were hoping for...the baby needs to wait another 6 or 8 weeks at the earliest but i guess he's a little impatient and can't wait to come into this world...i guess he doesn't realize that his first 4 or 5 weeks of life are gonna be spent in the hospital...
today was the 4th visit to the hospital for us...we got the test results today and the doctor told amber she needs to get some steroid shots to help the baby develop faster...we go back tomorrow for another shot...she's on even stricter bed rest now...i won't let her get up off the couch for anything...before we would go to the store together but not anymore...now she ain't going anywhere but to the doctor and the hospital...needless to say she isn't too happy about that...last week she found out her parents and brothers are moving to seattle in 2 weeks...she called her mother today to see if she could stay with us for a week or two before she moves to help with the girls and be there for the birth...her mother completely rejected her...said she wouldn't live in the same house with someone who wasn't a jehovah's witness...amber was devastated by this and in tears for an hour...it wasn't just that she was rejected but the way in which it was done...the story of her life is trusting those around her, getting shit on by them, thinking things are turning around and putting her trust back in them, and getting shit on again even worse...at one point she said to me that this is why she's so depressed and on prozac...i know they are potentially my in-laws but i can't help but hating what they're doing to the girl i love...i don't even really know them that much but i already have a deep resentment for them...my question was the same as amber's...how could any parents completely abandon their child?
so the pics on this post are from a few weeks ago...the quality is terrible because i took them with my cell phone...the first is amber in the bathtub (heavily cropped of course)...i love her eyes and smile in this pic...we took a few more with her belly sticking outta the water...very cool. the seond pic was taken a few hours after the first one...just showing how big her belly is getting...it needs to get much, much bigger...my boy needs to cook a little while longer...
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welcome to the neighborhood...
so yesterday was moving day...went to see the manager of my new apartment first thing in the morning to sign my lease and do all that stuff...asking her a few questions that came to mind since i last saw the place...talked about how she had gotten rid of some of the unsavory residents in the past few months...i signed some form about how they'll call the police on me if they need to and can and will void my lease if i'm a legal problem...the manager even told me she had quite a few cell phone numbers of the local cops that patrol the area...found it a little odd but it also reassured me at the same time...
so i go back to the hotel i've been staying in for the past week and toss everything into the uhaul truck and head out for my new apartment. i pull up just as two cops are getting back into their car...looked like they were at one of the apartments across the street...no big deal (or so i think)...
i pulled my uhaul in right behind another uhaul...talked to the other uhaul driver for a moment...they said they were moving out...after only 2 months...they wished me good luck...and they kinda laughed when they said it...so now i'm starting to wonder...
amber's ex, fernando, came over to help us unpack the truck...amber took off around noon to go become a hot blonde mama (formally a hot brunette mama)...so we're about halfway thru emptying the truck and we hear alot of yelling outside...we look out and across the street and what do we see? a mother fucking SWAT team...see also: some Men in Black...see also: a bunch of guys with MP5 assault weapons. maybe its just me but on moving day i'm kinda not hoping to see a bunch of cops yelling "search warrant" and knocking down the front door across the street...
finding a cool new apartment...2 days
move-in special...$199
first months rent...free
look on your faces when you see the local SWAT team do a forceable takedown when you haven't even finished moving in yet...PRICELESS!!!
of course the uniformed cops came back around a few hours later...this time on my side of the street...just jabbering with some of the newly discovered homies that live next door...they're kinda cool actually...we can get along with anyone...
other moving day fun...
when we turned on the heater last night (after figuring out where the pilot light was and lighting it) the place smelled like gas and set off the smoke alarms...
we saved the biggest for last...our gi-normous tv...i almost dropped the damn thing 4 times coming up the stairs...
got up early this morning and started unpacking...all hot and sweaty...no shower the past 2 days...my boss called me to come into work while i was at the store...so i'm at work now feeling kinda scummy...
ahhhh...i so love moving...
so i go back to the hotel i've been staying in for the past week and toss everything into the uhaul truck and head out for my new apartment. i pull up just as two cops are getting back into their car...looked like they were at one of the apartments across the street...no big deal (or so i think)...
i pulled my uhaul in right behind another uhaul...talked to the other uhaul driver for a moment...they said they were moving out...after only 2 months...they wished me good luck...and they kinda laughed when they said it...so now i'm starting to wonder...
amber's ex, fernando, came over to help us unpack the truck...amber took off around noon to go become a hot blonde mama (formally a hot brunette mama)...so we're about halfway thru emptying the truck and we hear alot of yelling outside...we look out and across the street and what do we see? a mother fucking SWAT team...see also: some Men in Black...see also: a bunch of guys with MP5 assault weapons. maybe its just me but on moving day i'm kinda not hoping to see a bunch of cops yelling "search warrant" and knocking down the front door across the street...
finding a cool new apartment...2 days
move-in special...$199
first months rent...free
look on your faces when you see the local SWAT team do a forceable takedown when you haven't even finished moving in yet...PRICELESS!!!
of course the uniformed cops came back around a few hours later...this time on my side of the street...just jabbering with some of the newly discovered homies that live next door...they're kinda cool actually...we can get along with anyone...
other moving day fun...
when we turned on the heater last night (after figuring out where the pilot light was and lighting it) the place smelled like gas and set off the smoke alarms...
we saved the biggest for last...our gi-normous tv...i almost dropped the damn thing 4 times coming up the stairs...
got up early this morning and started unpacking...all hot and sweaty...no shower the past 2 days...my boss called me to come into work while i was at the store...so i'm at work now feeling kinda scummy...
ahhhh...i so love moving...
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40 hellish minutes of frank...
so i got the new apartment and i want to get some internet hooked up in there so i'm gonna go with dsl this time...i check out the website for sbc (now at&t...my phone service provider) and they got an online only promo to get a $100 visa gift card to start their service...can't beat that...or i guess i could if i really tried but i don't feel like trying at the moment...so i go to order the service and it doesn't go through since my account is so new and it isn't active in all their systems yet. so since i'm a little impatient and i want some high speed internet yesterday i decide to give them a call and see what kinda promos i can get over the phone...big mistake! first, its apparently a busy time of day so i was on hold for 40 minutes waiting to talk to someone...and of course he tells me to try back again tomorrow since my account isn't active in the dsl part of their systems...and second...and worst of all...the on hold music is frank sinatra...and i kinda like frank every now and then but this wasn't just frank...it was frank and some of his friends...mostly just the friends...and it sucked the living soul outta me...i swear...what genius came up with the idea of playing that for on hold music? do they want people to get nauseous and hang up? if i didn't want some internet pretty damn badly i woulda after 2 or 3 minutes...but this turned out to be a war of attrition and i was gonna get me some internet...and my damn work phone doesn't have a speaker thingy so i had to keep it to my ear the whole time...i even answered the other main phone 4 times while frank was playing in my other ear...so what did i end up with? no internet and my brain is fried from listening to that crap for 40 minutes...
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choke...again...
this is a repost...when i find a book i love i tend to read it again every 4 or 5 months...i just finished this book for the 3rd time and i wanted to share it with everyone else...its kinda quirky (see the excerpt) but really, really good...
i just finished (for the 2nd time) a really good book by the brilliant author chuck palahniuk...
see also: fight club
see also: lullaby
palahniuk has a very unique writing sytle and a fascinating way with words...something you really have to read for yourself to completely understand...
choke is about a medical school dropout who has devised a complicated scam to pay for his mother's elder care: pretend to be choking on a piece of food in a restaurant and the person who "saves you" will feel responsible for the rest of his life. multiply that by a couple of hundred times and you generate a healthy flow of checks, week in, week out. between fake choking gigs he works at Colonial Dunsboro with a motley group of losers and stoners trapped in 1734, cruises sex addiction groups for action ("you put twenty sexaholics around a table night after night and don't be surprised"), and visits his mother, whose alzheimer's nows hides what may be the startling truth about his parentage (the foreskin of Jesus Christ?)...and a best friend that draws pictures of strippers and collects huge rocks all day long to keep from masturbating...
here's a small passage that is typical of palahniuk's writing style...
~~~ warning - sexually explicit content...can you handle it? ~~~
friday means tanya.
tanya comes by the house, and tanya means anal.
the magic of getting butt is she's as tight as a virgin every time. and tanya brings toys. beads and rods and probes, these all smell like bleach, and she smuggles them around in a black leather bag she keeps in the trunk of her car. tanya works my dog with one hand and her mouth while she presses the first ball on a long string of greasy red rubber balls against my trapdoor.
my eyes closed, i'm trying to relax enough.
breathe in. then out.
think of the monkey and the chestnuts.
slow and even, in and then out.
tanya twisting the first ball against me, i say, "you'd tell me if i sounded too needy, wouldn't you?"
and the first ball pops inside.
"why don't people believe me," i say, "when i tell them i just don't care?"
and the second ball pops in.
"i really don't give a shit about anything," i say.
another ball pops in.
"i'm not going to get hurt, again" i say.
something else pops inside me.
tanya still throating my dog, she makes a fist around the dangling string and yanks.
imagine a woman yanking your guts out.
tanya yanks again, and my dog triggers, the white soldiers gobbing against the bedroom wallpaper beside her face. she yanks again, and my dog's coughing dry and still coughing.
and still triggering dry, i say, "damn. for serious, i felt that."
what would jesus NOT do?
leaning forward with both my hands spread against the wall, my knees folding a little, i say, "easy does it." i tell tanya, "you're not starting a lawn mower."
and tanya kneeling under me, still looking at the greasy stinking balls on the floor, says, "oh boy." she lifts the string of red rubber balls for me to see, and she says, "there are supposed to be ten."
there's only eight and what looks like a lot of empty string.
my ass hurts so much, i finger around back there and then check my fingers for blood. as much as i hurt right now, you'd be amazed there's not blood everywhere.
and gritting my teeth, i say, "that was fun, don't you think?"
and tanya says, "i need you to sign my release form so i can go back to jail." she's dangling the string of balls into her black bag and says, "you're going to want to stop by an emergency room."
see also: impacted colon.
see also: bowel blockage.
see also: cramping, fever, septic shock, heart failure.
it's been five days since i remember feeling hungry enough to eat. i haven't been tired. or worried or angry or afraid or thirsty. if the air in here smells bad, i can't tell. i only know it's friday because tanya is here.
paige with her dental floss. tanya and her toys. gwen with her safe word. all these women are yanking me around on a string.
"no, really," i tell tanya. i sign the form, under sponsor, and say, "really, nothing's wrong. i don't feel anything left inside."
and tanya takes the form and says, "i can't believe that."
what's funny is, i'm not sure i believe it either.
hope you enjoyed that...check out the book...it's worth it...
i just finished (for the 2nd time) a really good book by the brilliant author chuck palahniuk...
see also: fight club
see also: lullaby
palahniuk has a very unique writing sytle and a fascinating way with words...something you really have to read for yourself to completely understand...
choke is about a medical school dropout who has devised a complicated scam to pay for his mother's elder care: pretend to be choking on a piece of food in a restaurant and the person who "saves you" will feel responsible for the rest of his life. multiply that by a couple of hundred times and you generate a healthy flow of checks, week in, week out. between fake choking gigs he works at Colonial Dunsboro with a motley group of losers and stoners trapped in 1734, cruises sex addiction groups for action ("you put twenty sexaholics around a table night after night and don't be surprised"), and visits his mother, whose alzheimer's nows hides what may be the startling truth about his parentage (the foreskin of Jesus Christ?)...and a best friend that draws pictures of strippers and collects huge rocks all day long to keep from masturbating...
here's a small passage that is typical of palahniuk's writing style...
~~~ warning - sexually explicit content...can you handle it? ~~~
friday means tanya.
tanya comes by the house, and tanya means anal.
the magic of getting butt is she's as tight as a virgin every time. and tanya brings toys. beads and rods and probes, these all smell like bleach, and she smuggles them around in a black leather bag she keeps in the trunk of her car. tanya works my dog with one hand and her mouth while she presses the first ball on a long string of greasy red rubber balls against my trapdoor.
my eyes closed, i'm trying to relax enough.
breathe in. then out.
think of the monkey and the chestnuts.
slow and even, in and then out.
tanya twisting the first ball against me, i say, "you'd tell me if i sounded too needy, wouldn't you?"
and the first ball pops inside.
"why don't people believe me," i say, "when i tell them i just don't care?"
and the second ball pops in.
"i really don't give a shit about anything," i say.
another ball pops in.
"i'm not going to get hurt, again" i say.
something else pops inside me.
tanya still throating my dog, she makes a fist around the dangling string and yanks.
imagine a woman yanking your guts out.
tanya yanks again, and my dog triggers, the white soldiers gobbing against the bedroom wallpaper beside her face. she yanks again, and my dog's coughing dry and still coughing.
and still triggering dry, i say, "damn. for serious, i felt that."
what would jesus NOT do?
leaning forward with both my hands spread against the wall, my knees folding a little, i say, "easy does it." i tell tanya, "you're not starting a lawn mower."
and tanya kneeling under me, still looking at the greasy stinking balls on the floor, says, "oh boy." she lifts the string of red rubber balls for me to see, and she says, "there are supposed to be ten."
there's only eight and what looks like a lot of empty string.
my ass hurts so much, i finger around back there and then check my fingers for blood. as much as i hurt right now, you'd be amazed there's not blood everywhere.
and gritting my teeth, i say, "that was fun, don't you think?"
and tanya says, "i need you to sign my release form so i can go back to jail." she's dangling the string of balls into her black bag and says, "you're going to want to stop by an emergency room."
see also: impacted colon.
see also: bowel blockage.
see also: cramping, fever, septic shock, heart failure.
it's been five days since i remember feeling hungry enough to eat. i haven't been tired. or worried or angry or afraid or thirsty. if the air in here smells bad, i can't tell. i only know it's friday because tanya is here.
paige with her dental floss. tanya and her toys. gwen with her safe word. all these women are yanking me around on a string.
"no, really," i tell tanya. i sign the form, under sponsor, and say, "really, nothing's wrong. i don't feel anything left inside."
and tanya takes the form and says, "i can't believe that."
what's funny is, i'm not sure i believe it either.
hope you enjoyed that...check out the book...it's worth it...
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tramp stamp...
thanks to No One In Particular for enlightening me to this term...i like to keep aBreast of all the derogatory terms for women that are out there...i must be getting old because this is the first time i've heard tramp stamp...thanks to urban dictionary for this definition...its also the place that i found out the definition for hosebeast...another nice word to use for a female you're not too pleased with at the moment...
so what is a tramp stamp (for those of you like me who are just now finding out)? according to urban dictionary here are a few definitions and their proper uses...
A tattoo above a woman's ass crack.
Her pants were so lowcut, you could see her "tramp stamp"
a horribly cliche, or common tattoo that makes girls look like dumb bitches. Found on the lower back, and usually a butterfly...sometimes a happy flower of some sort.
That bitch's tramp stamp was the worst I'd ever seen; I've seen 3 other chicks with the exact tattoo today.
now before all you women out there that have these tramp stamps...i mean tattoos on your lower backs...aka targets...lemme just say for the record that the last thing i think you are is a tramp...far from it...i love tattoos on this particular part of your body...if i ever get caught looking at your ass i can just say i was looking for your tramp stamp...er i mean tattoo. amber has a tattoo on this part of her body...on our second date we got tattoos together...i'm not gonna say what she got there cause you might think its a little tramp stampish...but she loves it and i love it so who cares, right?
one thing i'm really looking forward to is when i'm 70 or so...maybe living in a nursing home then...and seeing all these other old geezers and the tattoos they got in their 20s...i wonder how old they were when they first started regretting getting some of those idiotic things permanently inked on their bodies? i'm not saying all tattoos are bad...i love mine and alot of others...but some of them and their location...i can't wait to see them on some old shriveled bonehead and have a good laugh...
well with the expansion of my vocabulary i just recently acquired i take comfort in the knowledge that when i'm in the nursing home living out my glory years i'll have at least one pickup line thats sure to work..."hey hosebeast, can i see your tramp stamp?"...not too bad, huh?
so what is a tramp stamp (for those of you like me who are just now finding out)? according to urban dictionary here are a few definitions and their proper uses...
A tattoo above a woman's ass crack.
Her pants were so lowcut, you could see her "tramp stamp"
a horribly cliche, or common tattoo that makes girls look like dumb bitches. Found on the lower back, and usually a butterfly...sometimes a happy flower of some sort.
That bitch's tramp stamp was the worst I'd ever seen; I've seen 3 other chicks with the exact tattoo today.
now before all you women out there that have these tramp stamps...i mean tattoos on your lower backs...aka targets...lemme just say for the record that the last thing i think you are is a tramp...far from it...i love tattoos on this particular part of your body...if i ever get caught looking at your ass i can just say i was looking for your tramp stamp...er i mean tattoo. amber has a tattoo on this part of her body...on our second date we got tattoos together...i'm not gonna say what she got there cause you might think its a little tramp stampish...but she loves it and i love it so who cares, right?
one thing i'm really looking forward to is when i'm 70 or so...maybe living in a nursing home then...and seeing all these other old geezers and the tattoos they got in their 20s...i wonder how old they were when they first started regretting getting some of those idiotic things permanently inked on their bodies? i'm not saying all tattoos are bad...i love mine and alot of others...but some of them and their location...i can't wait to see them on some old shriveled bonehead and have a good laugh...
well with the expansion of my vocabulary i just recently acquired i take comfort in the knowledge that when i'm in the nursing home living out my glory years i'll have at least one pickup line thats sure to work..."hey hosebeast, can i see your tramp stamp?"...not too bad, huh?
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blah blah blah...
that's how i'm feeling at the moment...blah blah mother fucking blah...it just ain't happening for me...no inspiration...nothing to write about...its taken me 10 minutes to write this much...i'm just not feeling it right now...nothing...maybe its cause i've been going stir crazy holed up in a small hotel room for the past week with shitty satelitte tv and 2 adults, 2½ kids and 2 cats...making 4 or 5 trips a day to the ice machine to fill up the bathroom sink with ice to keep the milk and juice cold...just waiting to get in my new apartment...all the fun that'll be...soon...very soon...29 more hours till i get to start moving...getting internet at home finally...i'm gonna be loving life...now if amber and i can just find a way to get through the next day or two without killing each other or the kids...
building a mystery...
you come out at night
that's when the energy comes
and the dark side's light
and the vampires roam
you strut your rasta wear
and your suicide poem
and a cross from a faith
that died before Jesus came
you're building a mystery
you live in a church
where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won't give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls
you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won't wash away
can you look out the window
without your shadow getting in the way
oh you're so beautiful
with an edge and a charm
but so careful
when I'm in your arms
(chorus)
'cause you're working
building a mystery
holding on and holding it in
yeah you're working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully
you woke up screaming aloud
a prayer from your secret god
you feed off our fears
and hold back your tears
give us a tantrum
and a know it all grin
just when we need one
when the evening's thin
oh you're a beautiful
a beautiful fucked up man
you're setting up your
razor wire shrine
building a mystery...
you come out at night
that's when the energy comes
and the dark side's light
and the vampires roam
you strut your rasta wear
and your suicide poem
and a cross from a faith
that died before Jesus came
you're building a mystery
you live in a church
where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won't give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls
you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won't wash away
can you look out the window
without your shadow getting in the way
oh you're so beautiful
with an edge and a charm
but so careful
when I'm in your arms
(chorus)
'cause you're working
building a mystery
holding on and holding it in
yeah you're working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully
you woke up screaming aloud
a prayer from your secret god
you feed off our fears
and hold back your tears
give us a tantrum
and a know it all grin
just when we need one
when the evening's thin
oh you're a beautiful
a beautiful fucked up man
you're setting up your
razor wire shrine
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the number four...
I was tagged by both the bastard son and astrocoz on this one so i better get to it...
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
IT help desk
software tester
medical device quality control inspector
radio tower support wire painter
FOUR MOVIES YOU WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
phanton of the opera
titanic
contact
snatch
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE LIVED:
quincy, illinois
fort bragg, north carolina
oceanside, california
arlington, texas
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
sopranos
any law & order
felicity
24
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
daytona beach
annandale, minnesota
ozarks
paul bunyan land
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
amber's baked chicken
meatloaf
potato salad mixed with baked beans
carne asada fries
FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
tuscany
california city, california (soon...)
vegas baby!
sleeping next to amber in our new apartment
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
IT help desk
software tester
medical device quality control inspector
radio tower support wire painter
FOUR MOVIES YOU WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
phanton of the opera
titanic
contact
snatch
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE LIVED:
quincy, illinois
fort bragg, north carolina
oceanside, california
arlington, texas
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
sopranos
any law & order
felicity
24
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
daytona beach
annandale, minnesota
ozarks
paul bunyan land
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
amber's baked chicken
meatloaf
potato salad mixed with baked beans
carne asada fries
FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
tuscany
california city, california (soon...)
vegas baby!
sleeping next to amber in our new apartment
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moving sucks...
i really hate moving...hate it with a passion. moving out is finally finished...finished around noon today...and most of it i did on my own. amber is on bed rest and about every half hour or so i had to tell her to stop and let me do it...she hated it...she hates that i had to do so much...but thats just how she is. her ex came over and helped me move the big heavy stuff...i'm glad he did...not just because of the physical stuff he did but also because this was the first time he and i had ever really talked to each other. he and amber and i took a break last night and had one of those weird moments where their past and our present intersected...the two guys in her life ganged up on her and teased her about her wackiness...she loved it...loved that we could all get along and not have any tension between us...
so the past 4 days or so we've been packing things up...yesterday we got the moving truck and started packing it up...i had to stop around 10 last night because A) i had to be at work at 11 and B) because some of the mexican gang bangers started trying to steal the truck...that was kinda fun. went to work and got off at 7 this morning and i finished packing everything around noon...and now its only half over...i still get to unpack everything on the 1st of the month at our new place...our new place that we're completely thrilled to have...our new place that we just found yesterday...one of those places that you kinda know right away you're supposed to have. we looked at a half dozen places yesterday...had a list of where we wanted to go...on the way home we saw one last place that wasn't on our list and decided to stop in...they didn't have anything available but the guy knew someone that had a place just open up...so he sent us over there...one of those outta the way places...just two small buildings with a few units in a basically quiet house only neighborhood (no more mexican gang neighborhood for us)...we wanted a two bedroom but would settle for one...this one of course had two...an older place but the apartment we were getting has new everything...carpet, tile, appliances, paint, etc...older but also bigger...we love it...and the best thing about it (actually the second best thing) is that its only gonna cost us $199 (the deposit) to move in...the first month of rent is free...how cool is that? and of course my cool as hell boss helped us out too...told me to tell them i've been working here three times as long as i actually have...told me to tell them i make twice as much as i actually do...and when the apartment called her to verify she gave me an incredible reference...i prolly woulda got the place without her but with her help it was a slam dunk...
but the really best thing about this place is that this is the first time amber and i are gonna be sharing a bedroom and sleeping together in the same bed...the place we just moved out of was a one bedroom that she shared with her kids...now they have their own room and so do we...and no more of them getting in all her stuff (makeup, lotion, jewelry, perfume, etc.)...we can finally do things the way we wanna do them...we can't wait...
so for the next week we're staying in the hotel i work at...we need the break...we're both physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted...the strain of having to move when you really don't want to...the uncertainty of not knowing where you're gonna be moving to...but as amber loves to say things seem to always have a way of working themselves out...how true that is. i had a rare thing happen at work tonight...we had just enough cash to pay for the moving truck, the application fee, and the $100 holding deposit...not much left after that...so tonight i had a customer come in around 2 am...he was at the casino next door and had just won big...around $4000 or so he said...he gave me a $100 bill for the room and told me to keep the change...a $50 tip for me...just when we really needed it...how cool is that? i know its a cliche but sometimes you can actually feel it when your luck is starting to change...
so the past 4 days or so we've been packing things up...yesterday we got the moving truck and started packing it up...i had to stop around 10 last night because A) i had to be at work at 11 and B) because some of the mexican gang bangers started trying to steal the truck...that was kinda fun. went to work and got off at 7 this morning and i finished packing everything around noon...and now its only half over...i still get to unpack everything on the 1st of the month at our new place...our new place that we're completely thrilled to have...our new place that we just found yesterday...one of those places that you kinda know right away you're supposed to have. we looked at a half dozen places yesterday...had a list of where we wanted to go...on the way home we saw one last place that wasn't on our list and decided to stop in...they didn't have anything available but the guy knew someone that had a place just open up...so he sent us over there...one of those outta the way places...just two small buildings with a few units in a basically quiet house only neighborhood (no more mexican gang neighborhood for us)...we wanted a two bedroom but would settle for one...this one of course had two...an older place but the apartment we were getting has new everything...carpet, tile, appliances, paint, etc...older but also bigger...we love it...and the best thing about it (actually the second best thing) is that its only gonna cost us $199 (the deposit) to move in...the first month of rent is free...how cool is that? and of course my cool as hell boss helped us out too...told me to tell them i've been working here three times as long as i actually have...told me to tell them i make twice as much as i actually do...and when the apartment called her to verify she gave me an incredible reference...i prolly woulda got the place without her but with her help it was a slam dunk...
but the really best thing about this place is that this is the first time amber and i are gonna be sharing a bedroom and sleeping together in the same bed...the place we just moved out of was a one bedroom that she shared with her kids...now they have their own room and so do we...and no more of them getting in all her stuff (makeup, lotion, jewelry, perfume, etc.)...we can finally do things the way we wanna do them...we can't wait...
so for the next week we're staying in the hotel i work at...we need the break...we're both physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted...the strain of having to move when you really don't want to...the uncertainty of not knowing where you're gonna be moving to...but as amber loves to say things seem to always have a way of working themselves out...how true that is. i had a rare thing happen at work tonight...we had just enough cash to pay for the moving truck, the application fee, and the $100 holding deposit...not much left after that...so tonight i had a customer come in around 2 am...he was at the casino next door and had just won big...around $4000 or so he said...he gave me a $100 bill for the room and told me to keep the change...a $50 tip for me...just when we really needed it...how cool is that? i know its a cliche but sometimes you can actually feel it when your luck is starting to change...
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chuck...
thanks to the hot librarian for pointing me to this list of hilarious chuck norris facts...
see everyone next week...
see everyone next week...
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#1 crush...
i love these lyrics and this song by garbage...i can see why its from the romeo + juliet soundtrack...does anyone else feel this way about someone too?
I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine
I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear
I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you
See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored
I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart
I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me
Violate all The love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored
I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.
I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine
I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear
I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you
See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored
I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart
I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me
Violate all The love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored
I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.
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this & that...
- told you i wouldn't be around for a few days...not having internet access at home really sucks...sucks too when you don't have it at work either...
- amber is 6 months (26 weeks) pregnant...friday night she started having really bad contractions...went to the hospital and they gave her two shots to stop them...
- saturday night the same thing happened...only worse...took three shots this time...
- they said friday if we would've waited an hour longer to come in she prolly would've had the baby...
- friday the 13th + full moon = not a good time for a pregnant woman...
- on saturday night the woman in the next bed over was having some serious problems...screaming bloody murder...the doctors & nurses were yelling too...after they got her outta there we looked at her bed and there was blood all over the place...
- we asked the nurse if she was gonna be ok and she said "we hope so"...not "oh yeah" or "of course" or anything overly positive...we were looking at each other with these wide eyes and oh shit expressions during the whole thing...
- amber's now on the pill version of the shot she got at the hospital...has to take it every 4 hours for the next few days...waking up in the middle of the night to take a pill sucks...
- the shots and pills make her shake all over constantly...
- she's now on bed rest for the next 10 weeks...or until the baby is born...
- when this little one does enter this world sometime in the near future...hopefully later rather than sooner...he'll be named zayne richard elias-meyer...
- she's also on pelvic rest too...which figures...i just start getting some again and now this...
- honestly this doesn't bother me in the least...as i see it, it's a very small price to pay...
- except last night...i gave her a bath (washed her hair and everything else)...quite tempting on any other occasion...
- being on bed rest means i pretty much get to do everything for her...and i do mean everything...which i love to do anyways...
- her parents and 2 of her brothers came over saturday (which meant i cleaned the entire house)...this was huge to her...her parents (especially her dad) don't have much to do with her for religious reasons...when he hugged her when he walked in we both had a hard time not crying...
- this was the first time i actually talked to him or been within 20 feet of him...i was quite nervous and intimidated...he's only a few years older than me...but he seemed like a pretty nice guy...
- her parents, my parents, and just about everyone else we talk to thinks we should get married...
- except we don't want to...
- i'm not gonna get married until i find someone that loves me as much as i love them...
- sadly i still don't think it's gonna be her...
- she wants to love me, she's trying to, but it's just not happening...
- besides that minor issue everything is great between us...
- i'm also not gonna ask anyone to marry me until i can do it right...meaning a ring, a nice wedding, and a great honeymoon...
- there's a very good chance we may have to move this weekend...we're hoping for a miracle to happen but it doesn't look like it...
- i have no clue yet where wer'e gonna go...
- i'm very stressed by this at the moment...
- no money for a moving truck or storage unit either...
- i still have no clue how or why this happened but all i know is statcounter doesn't lie...
- i haven't smoked in over two weeks...when i'm around her i just don't feel the need...when i'm not around her its not quite that easy...i want one really bad right about now...if anything just to stay awake...
- i sleep much more than my usual 4 hours a night now...naps with someone special are kinda fun...
- i hate american idol and country music...but i've listened to this cd by carrie underwood about 50 times in the past 2 weeks...
- sorta like driving cross country and you don't have a radio and only one cd to listen to...it sorta grows on you and starts sounding good after awhile...
- in all honesty she does have a good voice and some good songs...plus she's pretty hot and that never hurts...
- how do you know when a guy loves a girl? when he watches all four seasons of this with her...
- and what's really sad is that i actually like this show now...this is the 4th or 5th time i've watched the entrie thing...
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thanks...
i know thanksgiving is a long ways off but there's quite a few things i'm very thankful for that i'd like to mention...in no particular order...
and on a side note...it saddens me that i won't be able to blog as much anymore and read your blogs...one of my jobs (not the one i mentioned above) cut off internet access so i'll only have two days a week to come visit the blog world i love...but i can still email with my cell phone. hopefully i'll get some good news in the next few days about a job i'm trying to get and i can return to blogging full time...see ya soon...
- obviously the first thing is my sweetie Amber...she's not just my best friend but now she's also for the first time my girlfriend too...i never thought this day would come. we have this little thing we do where i try to get her to say she's beautiful or gorgeous...the past few days she's been feeling anything but that...because of the baby she feels fat...i tell her she's more beautiful than ever before. today i tried to get her to say she's beautiful but she wouldn't do it...so i asked her if i make her feel beautiful...and right before she kissed me she said yes...
- to all of you that comment on my blog or send me emails and tell me how happy you are for me...most of you knew what i was going through, not just with Amber, but also with my situation in life, and hearing from you every day means more to me than you'll ever know...i consider all of you my friends...
- i love all the blogs i've discovered in the past few months...all the blogs i link to i read every chance i get, which until recently has been almost every single day...there's so many things i could write about why i love each one of them...so i hope none of you are offended if i mention only one of you. jon shaw at the bastard son has an incredible blog...i hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but i've never seen a guy write like this before...everything is from the heart and its absolutely beautiful...his post tonight was the marriage vows he wrote to his future wife. sometimes as a guy you feel you can't write some of the things you want and not come off sounding like a wuss...jon inspires me to write whatever it is i feel at the moment no matter what it sounds like to others. i know this may sound weird but if i was a girl i'd wanna be with a guy like him...
- stephanie and tiffini...you were both with me at my lowest point ever in my life and you listened to my ramblings over and over again...just having someone to talk to regardless is probably the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me...or maybe the second greatest at this point...
- pot roast...eat something cold right outta a can or fast food every single day for three months straight and you quickly realize there's nothing better than a home cooked meal...this was the first one Amber made for me...
- my bosses where i work...they're not your typical bosses...they care about me as a person and they're concerned about my well being. sure, the pay sucks and hopefully in the next few days i'll have a job that pays 3 times more but i'm still gonna work for them...they helped me when i needed it and now its my turn to return the favor...
- my family...who when i didn't call them for 2 months straight thought i might be dead or in jail...i was too embarrassed to call them...but when i finally did they were as supportive as always...
and on a side note...it saddens me that i won't be able to blog as much anymore and read your blogs...one of my jobs (not the one i mentioned above) cut off internet access so i'll only have two days a week to come visit the blog world i love...but i can still email with my cell phone. hopefully i'll get some good news in the next few days about a job i'm trying to get and i can return to blogging full time...see ya soon...
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no clue what this means...
check out my visitor stats for the past 7 hours...this is insane...10 times normal...
during the past 24 hours here's a list of all the people from different countries that have visited my blog...i have no idea how they got there...
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crazy...
i posted this song about a month ago but i keep hearing it everywhere i go so i thought i'd post it again...
In a church by the face
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday
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violator...
on the way home tonight i turned on one of my favorite radio stations, 91X, and they were playing this albumn by depeche mode in its entirety...i was only 5 minutes from home but i had to drive by the beach a half dozen times so i could hear all of it...i love every single song on this albumn...
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if you only knew...
if you only knew what her and i were talking about moments before i took this pic...the plans we were making for our future together...what we're gonna do...where we're gonna go...if you only knew what we did on our "date" tonight...and no pervs, it's not what you think...it was something even better than that...
if you only knew what goes on in our world...our secrets...the way we feel about each other...
if you only knew...you'd want it with someone too...
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what happened to the girl i once knew???
she still looks the same...although her belly is quite a bit bigger now...she still lives at the same place and drives the same car...still has those two wonderful little girls that i remember...but other than that the girl i once knew is gone...replaced by somebody completely different...don't get me wrong...i'm not complaining at all...i love the new her much more than i ever did before...and the new her actual shows and tells me how much she loves me too...
my heart sank yesterday...she told me she's been thinking recently about moving...not to some place new here in town...but to some place 6 hours away...she was telling me all about it...i sounded like a pretty good plan...but i couldn't believe it...i finally got her back in my life and now she was already leaving it. but then she did something that epitomizes the new her...she took my hand and looked me squarely in the eyes and said "i want you to come with me...i'm not going without you"...
there's a hundred things like that a day that she does or says to me...she wants me in her life...she wants me to be part of her future. the person that wanted to be independent and didn't want a relationship is gone...she wants me to help her and take care of her...she wants a relationship with me. the way she looks at me with her eyes and the subtle difference in the way she speaks to me in her voice...no one notices these things but me...but i do notice...the changes to me are enormous. things i thought would take years, if ever, to happen are happening now. she completely amazes me...
my heart sank yesterday...she told me she's been thinking recently about moving...not to some place new here in town...but to some place 6 hours away...she was telling me all about it...i sounded like a pretty good plan...but i couldn't believe it...i finally got her back in my life and now she was already leaving it. but then she did something that epitomizes the new her...she took my hand and looked me squarely in the eyes and said "i want you to come with me...i'm not going without you"...
there's a hundred things like that a day that she does or says to me...she wants me in her life...she wants me to be part of her future. the person that wanted to be independent and didn't want a relationship is gone...she wants me to help her and take care of her...she wants a relationship with me. the way she looks at me with her eyes and the subtle difference in the way she speaks to me in her voice...no one notices these things but me...but i do notice...the changes to me are enormous. things i thought would take years, if ever, to happen are happening now. she completely amazes me...
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kiss...
this is one of my all-time favorite pics...photographed by tanya chalkin...there's just something about it that says so much...the way they're holding each other...their hands...their lips gently touching...the way their bodies are up against each other...its anything but erotic...its quite romantic...i can completely relate to this now...this is how we kiss...this is the way we touch each other...even when we're not kissing each other...we've kissed more in the past week than all of the past year...or so it seems...and now she's the one kissing me...which makes the kisses mean so much more...
the only bad thing is that i hate shaving...i prefer to shave once a week if that...but now i gladly do it every morning...just one of her kisses is so worth it...
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belly...
i love this belly...it belongs to the girl i love...growing inside it right now is my future son. sure, there's a few stretch marks on it now...but that only means that i get to do something i absolutely love...rubbing lotion all over it...i remember the first time i saw this belly bare...there wasn't a six pack...there was a tiny bit of flab...i realized the girl i thought was perfect in every aspect had a flaw...and only a minor flaw at that...it didn't matter to me in the least...to me she was still perfect...
i look at this picture and i just marvel at its beauty...its the wallpaper now for my cell phone...i find myself looking at it for minutes on end...the wonderful experience of having a child is something that can't be accurately described with words in the english language...there's a whole other non-verbal romantic language reserved only for things like this. thank you amber...thank you for being the mother of our child...thank you for letting me back into your life...thank you for being the incredibly special and beautiful person that you are...that romantic language is the only way i can describe how i really do feel about you...
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my sacrifice...
Hello my friend, we meet againIt's been awhile, where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
Oh, I remember
When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there
When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
Cause when you are with me I am free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice, My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
My sacrifice...
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comedown...
Love and hate get it wrong
She cut me right back down to size
Sleep the day let it fade
Who was there to take your place
No one knows never will
Mostly me but mostly you
What do you say do you do
When it all comes down
I don’t wanna come back down from this cloud
Taken me all this time to find out what I need
There is no blame only shame
When you beg you just complain
More I come more I try
All police are paranoid
So am I - so’s the future
So are you - be a creature
What do you say do you do
When it all comes down
She cut me right back down to size
Sleep the day let it fade
Who was there to take your place
No one knows never will
Mostly me but mostly you
What do you say do you do
When it all comes down
I don’t wanna come back down from this cloud
Taken me all this time to find out what I need
There is no blame only shame
When you beg you just complain
More I come more I try
All police are paranoid
So am I - so’s the future
So are you - be a creature
What do you say do you do
When it all comes down
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sleep...
the last time i woke up from any form of sleep was over 40 hours ago...its not because i'm too busy to sleep or have some kinda demands on my time...its because i'd rather not waste a single moment that i could be with her...yeah, i'm a little insane sometimes...its easy to be insane with her...
i'm currently at work and i get off at 7:00 am...i'm planning to go see her at 8:00 to run some errands for most of the day...just enough time for a nice hot shower...its all i need. she made me promise her i'd get some sleep tomorrow...we'll see about that. i'm gonna be spending the night at her place wednesday and thursday...i'll get at least some sleep then...maybe...ever see how long you can go without sleep? without meth that is...i'm not even close to being a zombie yet...
i'm currently at work and i get off at 7:00 am...i'm planning to go see her at 8:00 to run some errands for most of the day...just enough time for a nice hot shower...its all i need. she made me promise her i'd get some sleep tomorrow...we'll see about that. i'm gonna be spending the night at her place wednesday and thursday...i'll get at least some sleep then...maybe...ever see how long you can go without sleep? without meth that is...i'm not even close to being a zombie yet...
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i'm still stunned...
i really don't think the events of the past few days have really sunk in yet...everything still seems so surreal...even though it was only 4 days ago that she came back into my life it seems like the past 3 months never even happened...it feels like a distant memory that is quickly fading away. things are just like they used to be in most ways and even better in others. the best thing is that she's really opening up to me and talking to me more...not just your basic conversation things but talking about how she feels and the things that are on her mind...she's telling me things she never told me before...not secrets or anything like that...things that are much more personal to her...
first of all some quick info on her for those of you who don't know...she's 23 with two small girls (t, 4 and k, 2)...she desperately desires to be independant and do things on her own...this also makes her kinda stubborn sometimes. she told me there were several reasons that she called me...she missed me and thought about me every day...she missed having the kind of friend i was to her in her life...and even though it was hard for her to admit to herself she realized that she missed and needed (and liked) me being around to help her out and take care of her...she couldn't do it on her own...
she also told me about some of the things she's been going through the past few months...i'm not gonna go into details but it wasn't too good...it made me sad and it made me feel so bad...i feel somewhat responsible for what she went through...i shoulda been there for her and because i was an asshole i wasn't able to...i made her life more difficult than it shoulda been. its not over yet...there's gonna be more difficult times ahead...but we're gonna face them together this time...
we spent the past few days just like we used to...besides work and sleep we're always by each other's side...watching movies, gaming on her game cube...shopping for baby clothes and other baby things...as usual we agree on everything...just like baby names...we wrote down 5 each and 4 of them were the same...zayne and dominic are our two favorites at the moment...elias-meyer is gonna be the last name...
something that really blew me away was that she told her ex she was thinking about calling me and he actually encouraged her to do it...i couldn't believe it...i was so completely wrong about him...i always thought he was a major reason why we broke up in the first place...not the case at all...i gotta reevaluate the way i was thinking about him...it'll be difficult with all the things he did to her in the past...but we'll see...
but probably one of the best moments happened last night...i saw her two girls for the first time...her ex brought them home and as soon as they saw me they yelled my name and ran over and jumped on me and gave me a big hug and kiss...today the youngest one wouldn't lemme go anywhere without her. in some ways i missed them just as much as i missed her...i was actually nervous to see them again...they've been in my life for a year...they know i'm not their daddy...but to them (and to me) i'm just one small step below that...
in just a few shorts days (it was actually just a few short minutes after i first saw her) my life completely turned around...gone is the depression and hopelessness...i see things and i don't shy away from them...when i hear a song on the radio it really is her singing next to me and not just my imagination...when i see people with newborns i no longer look at them with envy but with anticipation instead. i saw the ultrasound pics of my son...although i didn't really see anything...she grabs my hand and puts it on her belly when he's kicking...i can't get over this is all happening...
Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down a road and back again
Your heart is true,
You're a pal and a confidant
I'm not ashamed to say
I hope it always will stay this way
My hat is off,
Won't you stand up and take a bow
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say
If it's a car you lack
I'd surely buy you a Cadillac
Whatever you need
Any time of the day or night
And when we both get older
With walking canes and hair of gray
Have no fear even though it's hard to hear
I will stand real close and say
And when we die
And float away
Into the night
The milky way
You'll hear me call
As we ascend
I'll say your name
Then once again
first of all some quick info on her for those of you who don't know...she's 23 with two small girls (t, 4 and k, 2)...she desperately desires to be independant and do things on her own...this also makes her kinda stubborn sometimes. she told me there were several reasons that she called me...she missed me and thought about me every day...she missed having the kind of friend i was to her in her life...and even though it was hard for her to admit to herself she realized that she missed and needed (and liked) me being around to help her out and take care of her...she couldn't do it on her own...
she also told me about some of the things she's been going through the past few months...i'm not gonna go into details but it wasn't too good...it made me sad and it made me feel so bad...i feel somewhat responsible for what she went through...i shoulda been there for her and because i was an asshole i wasn't able to...i made her life more difficult than it shoulda been. its not over yet...there's gonna be more difficult times ahead...but we're gonna face them together this time...
we spent the past few days just like we used to...besides work and sleep we're always by each other's side...watching movies, gaming on her game cube...shopping for baby clothes and other baby things...as usual we agree on everything...just like baby names...we wrote down 5 each and 4 of them were the same...zayne and dominic are our two favorites at the moment...elias-meyer is gonna be the last name...
something that really blew me away was that she told her ex she was thinking about calling me and he actually encouraged her to do it...i couldn't believe it...i was so completely wrong about him...i always thought he was a major reason why we broke up in the first place...not the case at all...i gotta reevaluate the way i was thinking about him...it'll be difficult with all the things he did to her in the past...but we'll see...
but probably one of the best moments happened last night...i saw her two girls for the first time...her ex brought them home and as soon as they saw me they yelled my name and ran over and jumped on me and gave me a big hug and kiss...today the youngest one wouldn't lemme go anywhere without her. in some ways i missed them just as much as i missed her...i was actually nervous to see them again...they've been in my life for a year...they know i'm not their daddy...but to them (and to me) i'm just one small step below that...
in just a few shorts days (it was actually just a few short minutes after i first saw her) my life completely turned around...gone is the depression and hopelessness...i see things and i don't shy away from them...when i hear a song on the radio it really is her singing next to me and not just my imagination...when i see people with newborns i no longer look at them with envy but with anticipation instead. i saw the ultrasound pics of my son...although i didn't really see anything...she grabs my hand and puts it on her belly when he's kicking...i can't get over this is all happening...
Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down a road and back again
Your heart is true,
You're a pal and a confidant
I'm not ashamed to say
I hope it always will stay this way
My hat is off,
Won't you stand up and take a bow
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say
If it's a car you lack
I'd surely buy you a Cadillac
Whatever you need
Any time of the day or night
And when we both get older
With walking canes and hair of gray
Have no fear even though it's hard to hear
I will stand real close and say
And when we die
And float away
Into the night
The milky way
You'll hear me call
As we ascend
I'll say your name
Then once again
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this sucks...
i'm getting pissed...its 8:00...i'm supposed to get off at 7:00...and i can't get ahold of anybody...not the person who's supposed to be here...none of my bosses...nothing but voicemails...i got plans for the day...i need just a few hours of sleep...somebody answer your damn phone and get in here...
* update - 9:00 - the big boss man called and it looks like i'm doing a double today...but i have a feeling i'm gonna be feeling a little sick for my shift later on tonight...oh wait...its new year's eve isn't it? yeah i can definitely feel a 24 hour flu coming on...
* update - 9:00 - the big boss man called and it looks like i'm doing a double today...but i have a feeling i'm gonna be feeling a little sick for my shift later on tonight...oh wait...its new year's eve isn't it? yeah i can definitely feel a 24 hour flu coming on...
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let's call it a do over...
today is one of those days that i'll never forget...and yet most of it seems like a blur...today was the day she walked back into my life. she called me moments after my alarm went off...i was gonna go check my mail to see if she'd responded to any of the 3 letters i wrote her this past week...she said she wanted to talk...she wanted to meet for lunch...she actually wanted to see me...i was completely stunned. the 2½ hours from the time she called until i finally saw her seemed like 2½ days...the waitress was slow as hell but we didn't even notice...we talked non-stop...it was like we've never been apart for a single day...everything she said was exactly what i wanted to hear...not a single disappointment. afterwards we went and bought the first clothes for our new son...then we did one of those things we love doing together...we got manicures...its our little thing...she feels beautiful and pampered when she gets one. we went back to her place to watch some dvds...neither of us wanted the day to end but it finally did...she had to take her daughters to chuck e cheese with her ex. she said she missed having me around...she missed her best friend...she doesn't even remember why she was mad...she wants to just forget the past...she wants to call a do over...and then she hugged me...
i don't know why i deserve this special person in my life...all i know is that this is a day i hoped and dreamed for...a day i never thought would ever happen...but it did...my best friend is back in my life...we text messaged for an hour tonight. my legs ache...it feels like i've had sex for 3 hours straight...i'm drained...i'm still stunned...i still don't fully realize whats happened...in the 6 hours since i saw her last i've smoked almost an entire pack. we're meeting for lunch again tomorrow...she's gonna let me help her clean her house tomorrow...sorry...its a weird thing i like doing...especially for her...i like helping her out and taking care of her...she likes it too...i have my best friend back...
Our life together is so precious together,
We have grown - we have grown,
Although our love is still special,
Let's take our chance and fly away somewhere alone,
It's been so long since we took the time,
No-one's to blame,
I know time flies so quikly,
But when I see you darling,
It's like we both are falling in love again,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Why don't we take off alone,
Take a trip far, far away,
We'll be together on our own again,
Like we used to in the early days,
Well, well, well darling,
It's been so long since we took the time,
No-one's to blame,
I know time flies so quikly,
But when I see you darling,
It's like we both are falling in love again,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Our life together is so precious together,
We have grown - we have grown,
Although our love is still special,
Let's take our chance and fly away somewhere alone...
i don't know why i deserve this special person in my life...all i know is that this is a day i hoped and dreamed for...a day i never thought would ever happen...but it did...my best friend is back in my life...we text messaged for an hour tonight. my legs ache...it feels like i've had sex for 3 hours straight...i'm drained...i'm still stunned...i still don't fully realize whats happened...in the 6 hours since i saw her last i've smoked almost an entire pack. we're meeting for lunch again tomorrow...she's gonna let me help her clean her house tomorrow...sorry...its a weird thing i like doing...especially for her...i like helping her out and taking care of her...she likes it too...i have my best friend back...
Our life together is so precious together,
We have grown - we have grown,
Although our love is still special,
Let's take our chance and fly away somewhere alone,
It's been so long since we took the time,
No-one's to blame,
I know time flies so quikly,
But when I see you darling,
It's like we both are falling in love again,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Why don't we take off alone,
Take a trip far, far away,
We'll be together on our own again,
Like we used to in the early days,
Well, well, well darling,
It's been so long since we took the time,
No-one's to blame,
I know time flies so quikly,
But when I see you darling,
It's like we both are falling in love again,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over,
Our life together is so precious together,
We have grown - we have grown,
Although our love is still special,
Let's take our chance and fly away somewhere alone...
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song of the night, part 2...
sorry...i can't help it...i'm in one of those phases where i'm hearing the music speak to me...like actually speaking to me...telling me something...the song playing on the radio right now is on for only a single purpose...its playing just for me...the words are talking to me...they're the words i'm trying to find...i can't find the words i need to say sometimes...then i hear a song and i find those exact words...this is what i want to say to her... I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
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song of the night...
Manic depression is touching my soulI know what I want but I just don’t know
How to, go about gettin’ it
Feeling sweet feeling,
Drops from my fingers, fingers
Manic depression is catchin’ my soul
Woman so weary, the sweet cause in vain
You make love, you break love
It’s all the same
When it’s, when it’s over, mama
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Well, I think I’ll go turn myself off,
And go on down
All the way down
Really ain’t no use in me hanging around
In your kinda scene
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
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neil diamond is cool as hell...
seriously...i'm not joking about this...i love neil diamond...i listen to one of those alternative radio stations at night and they play at least one neil diamond song a night...try it...you'll like it...damn...billy joel and neil diamond in one night...i do like more than just that...my favorite at the moment is this other freak of nature that makes incredibly beautiful music...
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she's got a way...
i love music...all kindsa music...maybe not the kind you hear in a mexican gang neighborhood...but other than that i love pretty much everything else...i'm amazed by people who can write incredibly thought provoking lyrics and add just the right emotional music to go with it...how do they convey so much in such a short amount of time and with so few words? i heard this song on the radio a few minutes ago...the first time i've heard it in years...this song came out in 1971 and i still love it...some songs are like that...they last for years and years. try and think about all they different songs you love...i don't think anybody could come close to listing even half of them...i have over 2,000 mp3s and i love all of them...i could easily add another 2,000 more that i just don't remember off the top of my head...i love music. i've just finished reading the entire blog of my scarlett conclusion...check it out...she has a really cool way of using song lyrics in her posts...
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She s got a way of pleasin'
I don't know what it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound She touches me
and I get turned around
She's got a way of showin'
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin'
She's got a light around her
And ev'rywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her
ev'rywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her anyway
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She s got a way of pleasin'
I don't know what it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound She touches me
and I get turned around
She's got a way of showin'
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin'
She's got a light around her
And ev'rywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her
ev'rywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her anyway
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making out in a car...
its 4:30 am...i've got one smoke left...no way i'll make it till 7:00...so i decide to go get a pack at the nearest gas station about half a block away...take a short cut and cross a nearly deserted parking lot...not quite deserted...two cars parked there...two people making out in one of them...
this brings back fond memories...nothing like making out in a car...i've done it quite a few times the past few years...not because there was nowhere else to go...situations just presented themselves...very fond memories...her standing up through the sunroof flashing people...gotta watch it...i've got family members reading this now...i could get much more explicit...mmmmmmmmmmm...very fond memories...
this brings back fond memories...nothing like making out in a car...i've done it quite a few times the past few years...not because there was nowhere else to go...situations just presented themselves...very fond memories...her standing up through the sunroof flashing people...gotta watch it...i've got family members reading this now...i could get much more explicit...mmmmmmmmmmm...very fond memories...
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the best christmas present ever...
i guess maybe dreams do come true...or am i just psychic? the one thing i wanted for christmas i surprisingly got...a phone call from her. the phone call woke me up...someone said they wanted to give me a christmas present...i asked who this was on the phone...i don't even recognize her voice anymore...she told me its gonna be a boy...i'm gonna have a son in another four months...we only talked for a minute or two...i asked her to call again sometime...she said she might...she doesn't know yet. thank you amber...thats all i wanted...
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new year's resolutions...
this is a first for me...i've never had a new year's resolution before...i didn't see the point...why start doing something at a particular moment in time like the new year...why not start doing something right now? but this is a little different...none of the quit smoking, lose weight, exercise more, eat better kinda things...although i need to do all those things...this coming year i turn the big four-ohhhhh (as in ohhhhh shit)...a milestone of sorts...one i never thought i'd see...and still might not...thats yet to be determined...but just in case i do i've come to realize that this is not where i want to be at this point in my life...i don't like the way i live my life right now...i have no future...or at least no future plans...i know what i'm gonna do tomorrow and maybe the next day but after that its pretty much up in the air...i need to make some serious changes in my life...these aren't things i wanna do...they're things i have to do...
- first things first...i have to get a real job...this will make some of the other things much easier to accomplish...i like the one i have now and i'll prolly keep it (along with the real one) for a few months while i achieve some of my other goals...but lets face it...the only good things about this job is that a monkey in a space suit could do it and i spend 95% of my time on the internet...the pay really sucks, there's no benefits at all, no possible chance of advancement, no intellectual stimulation of any sort, and the skills i do have in other areas are fading away into distant memories...i could, and should, easily make three times what i do...i went to a placement agency two months ago...the girl there loved me...all i had to do was change a few things on my resume and she'd get me a job no problem...but i never did...it woulda taken me one or two hours max and the job situation woulda been taken care of...gotta address this issue too...
- need a new car...if you've been reading my blog for awhile you know i'm living on borrowed time here...my car could be gone at any moment...i avoid driving at night and i tend to take side streets as much as possible just to avoid the police...and even though it wouldn't be catastrophic if i lost my car right now it would make things kinda difficult. i don't care what kinda car it is...just don't break down on me is my only requirement...
- i gotta let go of the current situation i'm in...i think you know what i mean...i whine about it often enough...i have to face facts...there's nothing i can do to change things...things are gonna happen and i have no control over them...i could fight for what i want, and maybe even get what i want, but its starting to seem rather pointless...this situation has been controlling (and destroying) me for way too long...not anymore. and yes, i've already started working on this one...in a small way i have for quite some time now...
- i have to face facts about something else too...i need some professional help...maybe even some pharmaceutical help too...i shoulda started this quite awhile ago...i just always thought i could work things out on my own even though deep down inside i knew i couldn't...seriously, who wants to admit they need this kinda help? i guess i'm a fucking psycho too...
- i gotta get out and do something every day...a typical day for me is get off work, go to my room and sleep, get up, watch tv, go get something to eat, watch more tv, go to work again...seriously, that is a very typical day for me...on the days i have off just cut out the work stuff but the rest is all the same...i hate it...i've been using the car thing or the lack of money or no friends at all as excuses for staying in my room and rotting away...even if its just walking a few miles to the beach and pier and back it would be something...but unfortunately i seriously lack the motivation to do it...
- i seriously need some friends in my life...i know i'm a self proclaimed anti-social geek and very much a loner...but i'm really craving some social interaction and stimulating conversation...this is part of the getting out and doing something thing...who wants to go out to dinner or a movie or a bar by themselves...especially someone with my social skills. nothing serious here...just someone to hang out with and talk to and do some things with...i think a girlfriend is a little too much to ask for at this point in time...
- i gotta figure out what i wanna do about my living situation and do it...not sure what that is yet...all i know is that i don't care too much for the current living situation...maybe get my own apartment...the mexican gang neighborhood isn't all that bad really...maybe get a place (platonically) with my exwife...marissa would be there too so thats a plus...or maybe just rent a room somewhere...the cheapest alternative and i might just get some instant friends this way...or maybe some instant psycho mortal enemies too...that could be kinda fun...
so thats it...thats what i wanna accomplish next year...within the next three months is even better and not all that unreasonable...this should be interesting...
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phantom of the opera...
i love this movie...saw it 3 times in the theater...used to have the dvd and watched it another few dozen times...love the music...love Emmy Rossum and her voice...and this isn't even the type of movie i normally like...but for some odd reason i love this one...go figure. haven't seen it in awhile...it was on hbo tonight so i got to watch some of it before i came to work...when i first started seeing previews for it a month ago i had to flip away...didn't want to think about the movie for reasons i don't wanna mention...but i really don't care anymore...i love this movie and i'm gonna watch it whenever i want...and since its on hbo now i'll prolly get a few thousand chances to see it...unless they decide to run catwoman or son of mask or some of the other mindless movies they have on endlessly...but every now and then they have something really good on like this...
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odds & ends...
- i started working at a new hotel last night...still working at the other one too...same owner at both...3 shifts at each...the only bad part is that on sunday i work one shift at each...back to back...so this christmas i go to work at 3:00 pm and get off at 7:00 am...and lemme see a show of hands for all you fools out there that think i'm gonna get any special pay for working on a holiday...not a fucking chance...same chump change as always...
- the new place has lotsa security cameras...one of which is right behind where i sit...i'm also right next to the monitor...so now i get a pretty good view of my ever increasing bald spot...
- the new place also has really crappy music playing and i can't change it like i can at the old place...
- my boss is cool as hell...she found out the other day my tags are expired (since april)...she called me the other day and told me to find out how much it'd be to get them renewed...she was gonna pay for it...how many bosses will do that for ya?
- i got marissa her christmas present today...a cell phone...i'm jealous now...hers is 10 times better than mine at half the price...
- her ringtones sound much better than mine too...which has always pissed me off...anything by marilyn manson sounds like crap...for anyone who might be interested, my current one is do you want to by franz ferdinand...i love that song...
- and of course she has a much better camera than i do...but she can't email them yet...so here's some she took with my crappy camera and emailed to me...two of her and one of my tatto...says marissa in chinese...yes, i know i'm an idiot...she's ¼ japanese not chinese...but the chinese looked better...and it is my leg this is gonna be on for forever and a day...
- i really want another tattoo or two...just kinda hard to figure out what though...i'm currently loving the idea of some kinda ambigram...
- its been really foggy and misty here the past few days...especially by the beach...i love it...i need to find someplace thats like this all the time...
- a big chunk of one of my broken teeth came off a few minutes ago...i have so many jagged edges in my mouth its pathetic...
- i've caught myself 3 times singing along to the crappy music at the new place i'm working at...the latest was all through the night by cindi lauper...OMG! what have i been reduced to?
- even though it said it would be back up in 15 minutes statcounter has been down the past 5 hours...its really starting to piss me off...i've written 3 posts tonight and i wanna see if anyone is reading them...i'm so attention starved i check statcounter religiously...
- merry christmas to all of you who read my incoherant ramblings...and a special thanks to those few who comment...my life is much better with you in it...
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i've been tagged...
i've been tagged by kyle at i love pantylines...
here are the rules...the first player of this game starts with the topic...five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly...in the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals...don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “you are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours...so here we go...
btw...i don't follow rules so i'm gonna do a few more than five since its 4:00 in the morning and i have nothing better to do at the moment...
here are the rules...the first player of this game starts with the topic...five weird habits of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly...in the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals...don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “you are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours...so here we go...
btw...i don't follow rules so i'm gonna do a few more than five since its 4:00 in the morning and i have nothing better to do at the moment...
- when i open a bag of m&ms or any other items in a bag like that i can't rip the top off...i have to cut it off...i have no clue why...
- speaking of m&ms...i don't eat them from the bag...i have to pour them out, separate them by color, and eat the ones with fewest color first, then the next fewest, until i eat the ones with the most...this is a pain in the ass with a big bag of the damn things...
- with a bag of chips i can open the top by hand...but after that i cut the bag down the center and then i cut the bottom to the ends so i can have the bag completely open...its much easier to eat the chips with chopsticks this way...
- i like to mix certain foods together...potato salad & baked beans...i cut up a burrito & cheese enchilda from my local mexican hole in the wall and mix it in a big bowl with the rice and beans. but strangely i'm also fanatical sometimes about some foods touching others...i also tend to eat one thing at a time too...
- i rarely get phone calls but i have to take my cell phone everywhere i go because i'm paranoid i'll miss a call...if i go outside for a smoke it has to be in my pocket...if i take a shower it has to be in the bathroom with me. i also get my mail at the post office (general delivery) and i wait in line to check it 3 or 4 times a week even though i haven't gotten a single piece of mail there in the past 3 months...i can't go without checking the mail. i setup my email to send a text message to my cell phone whenever one comes in...i hate (and think its rude) to not be there when someone is trying to communicate with me...no matter what form it may be in...
- i have a wallet but i don't keep money in it...all my money is wadded up in my pocket...and i never carry my wallet with me...its always in my glove compartment in my car...
- i buy smokes by the carton...much cheaper that way...and when i'm getting low on my last pack i start smoking them faster...as in more frequently...i also get nervous when there's only a few left...
- i have cravings for different foods that last a week or two...i eat nothing but that one thing till i'm sick of it...then i won't touch it for months...
- i'm afraid of littering...especially throwing something outta the car window...except smokes...i think its bad karma...if i litter something bad will happen to me...if i throw something outta the window a cop will pull me over or my car will get repo'd...i'm not taking any chances...
- when i meet someone online and start emailing with them i find it very difficult to lie to them about who i am...i have to be completely honest with them even though i know there's very little chance i might meet them someday in person...
and sorry but i don't like tagging people...so if you decide to do this just lemme know...
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dream...
i had a dream last night...which is unusual in and of itself since i rarely dream anymore...i dreamed you called me...it was 3 am and you just needed someone to talk to...there wasn't anything in particular you wanted to talk about...you just wanted to talk...you knew you could still talk to me...its been 3 months since we talked last...but it only seemed like 3 hours...we just talked about whats been going on these past 3 months...you told me the baby has started kicking...your belly is starting to get big...we didn't talk about all the bad things that happened between us...we'll save that for later...tonight you just wanted to talk...you needed someone to be there for you...you told me about how you got sick awhile ago...you had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night and there was no one to watch the girls for you so you had to take them with you...there was no one there for you when you needed just one person...you told me that if i was still around i would always be there for you...i always was...whatever and whenever i was always there for you...before you hung up for the night you promised you'd call again...soon...tomorrow...you said things would be fine and i believed you...
of course when i woke up i realized this was all just a dream...things won't be fine...they never will...i'm never gonna get to feel the baby kick...i'm never gonna get to see your big belly...all the dreams i had when you told me you were pregnant i'll never get to live. with the last words you ever spoke to me you said you'd talk to me after the baby is born...but we both know you won't...you're not gonna call me...you're not gonna try and find me...i'm never gonna see you or the baby ever again...i won't be able to find you...and for the rest of my life i'm gonna wonder about the child i have out there somewhere that i'll never get to hold or to love or to have in my life...i guess there's a reason why i don't dream too much anymore...
of course when i woke up i realized this was all just a dream...things won't be fine...they never will...i'm never gonna get to feel the baby kick...i'm never gonna get to see your big belly...all the dreams i had when you told me you were pregnant i'll never get to live. with the last words you ever spoke to me you said you'd talk to me after the baby is born...but we both know you won't...you're not gonna call me...you're not gonna try and find me...i'm never gonna see you or the baby ever again...i won't be able to find you...and for the rest of my life i'm gonna wonder about the child i have out there somewhere that i'll never get to hold or to love or to have in my life...i guess there's a reason why i don't dream too much anymore...
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12 monkeys...
sometimes having insomnia isn't such a bad thing...last night aound 5:00 am 12 monkeys came on...i forgot how much i love this movie...here's a few of the quotes...I am insane, and you are my insanity...
If all of these nuts could make phone calls, they could spread insanity, oozing through telephone cables,oozing to the ears of all these poor, sane people, infecting them; wackos everywhere, plague of madness...
You are a total nutcase, completely deranged, delusional, paranoid. Your thought process is all fucked up. Your information train is jammed, man!
There's the television. It's all right there - all right there. Look, listen, kneel, pray. Commercials! We're not productive anymore. We don't make things anymore. It's all automated. What are we *for* then? We're consumers, Jim. Yeah. Okay, okay. Buy a lot of stuff, you're a good citizen. But if you don't buy a lot of stuff, if you don't, what are you then, I ask you? What? Mentally *ill*. Fact, Jim, fact - if you don't buy things - toilet paper, new cars, computerized yo-yos, electrically-operated sexual devices, servo systems with brain-implanted headphones, screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices, voice-activated computers...
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weird...
i got this from patrick at what's better than this? very cool illusion that you can try at this site...amazing what the brain makes us see...
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you must be kidding me...
more proof that horoscopes are full of shit...
Today is a perfect day for falling in love, dear Libra! You can expect anything to happen today... You may even meet someone who is ready to love and support you, and to listen to you when you need them most. You need to put all your fears and hesitations behind you on a day like today. Besides, a little madness every now and then won't hurt you. Throw caution to the wind!
Today is a perfect day for falling in love, dear Libra! You can expect anything to happen today... You may even meet someone who is ready to love and support you, and to listen to you when you need them most. You need to put all your fears and hesitations behind you on a day like today. Besides, a little madness every now and then won't hurt you. Throw caution to the wind!
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50 things i'm not allowed to do at hogwarts...
1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
15. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
16. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."
21. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
22. I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. Sirius Black is not #24601.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. I am not being repressed.
35. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
49. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
thanks to Noctua's Internet Detritus
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
15. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
16. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."
21. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
22. I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. Sirius Black is not #24601.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. I am not being repressed.
35. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
49. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
thanks to Noctua's Internet Detritus
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world in my eyes...
Let me take you on a tripAround the world and back
And you won't have to move
You just sit still
Now let your mind do the walking
And let my body do the talking
Let me show you the world in my eyes
I'll take you to the highest mountain
To the depths of the deepest sea
***And*** we won't need a map, believe me
Now let my body do the moving
And let my hands do the soothing
Let me show you the world in my eyes
That's all there is
Nothing more than you can feel now
That's all there is
Let me put you on a ship
On a long, long trip
Your lips close to my lips
All the islands in the ocean
All the heaven's in the motion
Let me show you the world in my eyes
That's all there is
Nothing more than you can touch now
That's all there is
Let me show you the world in my eyes
by depeche mode...
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comfortably numb...
Hello?Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain,
you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more ...
Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working.
Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain,
you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown,
the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb...
by pink floyd...
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i wish i was 12 again...
where's the time machine when i really need one?why can't i just call a "do over" and start all over again?
why isn't there at least a way to erase all the painful memories like they did in eternal sunshine & the spotless mind? that's be kinda cool...
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pictures of you...
i mean every single word of this...and i really don't care if anyone thinks i'm insane for feeling the way i do...
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel
Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go
Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you
a great song by the cure...
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love is just a word...
love...
is just a word...
until...
you find someone...
to give it proper meaning...
until...
you find someone...
to give it proper meaning...
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waiting for the night...
I'm waiting for the night to fallI know that it will save us all
When everything's dark
Keeps us from the stark reality
I'm waiting for the night to fall
When everything is bearable
And there in the still
All that you feel
Is tranquillity
There is a star in the sky
Guiding my way with its light
And in the glow of the moon
Know my deliverance will come soon
I'm waiting for the night
There is s sound in the calm
Someone is coming in the harm
I press my hands to my ears
It's easier here just to forget fear
And when I squinted rose-tinded
And angels appeared to descend
To my surprise
With half-closed eyes
Things look even better
Than they were opened
Been waiting for the night to fall
I know that it would save us all
When everything's dark
Keeps us from the stark reality
Been waiting for the night
Now everything is bearable
And there in the still
All that you feel
Is tranquillity
by depeche mode...
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eternal sunshine...
these quotes from eternal sunshine and the spotless mind describe me perfectly...
"I'm constitutionally incapable of making eye-contact with a woman I don't know..."
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?"
"I'm constitutionally incapable of making eye-contact with a woman I don't know..."
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?"
* - this wasn't created by me...i don't take credit for other people's work...
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someday...
* - this wasn't created by me...i don't take credit for other people's work...
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the past few days...
- i've had a serious milk craving the past week...i drink about a gallon a day...and it has to be ice cold...i even put ice in the cup when i drink it...i've also had a fruit craving too...thats all i've had to eat the past 4 days...milk and fruit...its really weird...i feel a salad craving coming on too...my digestive system is hating me...
- this weekend i just felt like getting drunk...its been a few months since the last time i drank anything...so i went out and bought the biggest bottle of parrot bay rum i could find...my favorite...i drink it straight...drank ½ the bottle in about an hour and i was feeling pretty good...but drinking alone in a hotel room sucks...so i went on the roof of the hotel and laid down and looked at the few stars that i could see...looking at stars and spinning is my idea of a good time...and from personal experience...spinning and sitting on the edge of a roof is not a good idea...but it sure does freak ya out...which is kinda fun...one of my favorite things to do in my stoner days...which is less than 6 months ago...was to get really stoned...sit on the edge of your chair and close your eyes...slowly start leaning forward and imagine you're falling off a cliff...very trippy...
- i heard this song on the radio a few minutes ago...i've always loved this song and the album its on...for christmas i'm gonna buy myself a portable cd player, some really good headphones, and this cd...i need more music in my life...all kinds...i don't know when the last time i listened to marilyn manson or some good techno...i also wanna get the linkin park & jay-z concert...i love it...99 problems...
- i've heard of some weird fetishes but this is one of the most fucked up i've ever heard about (it starts about halfway down)...thanks to chelsea girl for telling this sick story...that guy is a dick...
- i'm not very political...i don't vote because i have no clue about the people running...nor do i wish to...i'm pretty liberal on most things...i know what i believe in and i keep it mostly to myself...but this tookie williams execution thing really gets to me. i don't care if he wins a nobel peace prize or finds a cure for AIDS or whatever else he might do with his life while in jail...he's in jail and on death row for a reason...he killed 4 people...he prolly killed more...it doesn't matter...he was sentenced to death and now he has to pay for the crimes he committed in 1981...what he did since then should have no bearing on the sentence...there needs to be a deterrent...not a way for others to escape their punishment...
- i watched the news this past weekend and i really felt bad for all those people getting all that snow...its happening everywhere...except here...i felt so bad that i went to the beach for a few hours and worked on my tan...
- in the t.m.i. / ultra weird section...i have a beard trimmer and i put it to good use...its part of the joys of being single and having lotsa time on your hands...and no, i don't have a beard either...so i trimmed the hair on my arms & legs...i do my eyebrows all the time...i hate bushy eyebrows...i hate really hairy arms and legs...i don't shave everything off...just nice and short...if you think its weird or gay then FUCK YOU! i know its weird but i like it and since i don't care about having a girlfriend at the moment i'm gonna do it...
- i also whipped out my manicure kit the other day too...buffed my nails to a high glossy shine...btw...can anyone recommend a good clear coat? mine sucks...and you already know what you can do if you think this is weird or gay...and just a hint to any guy reading this...girls really love it when you can do this for them...take it from one who knows...
- i finished the da vinci code the other day...really good book...i totally believe that shit about Jesus being married to mary magdalene and having a kid...if mary looked anything like monica bellucci in the passion of the christ i'd bang her too...i'm totally going to hell for saying that...but i've had a one way ticket for there for quite some time now...
- two minutes ago i started formalizing a plan to move to tuscany and marry monica bellucci...or at least figure out a way to be her pedicurist...women that look this good should be locked up...they are just way too dangerous to any male they encounter...i'm going to hell again for the thoughts i'm having right now...
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marissa...
i don't talk much about my 14 year old daughter marissa on this blog...and for good reason...i could talk about her forever. i'm not one of those parents that rants and raves about how great their kid is...i've always been low key when it comes to that kinda thing...i hate bragging about things...so i really hope you don't think this is what i'm doing...i'm just trying to tell a story of an exceptional person...someone who is normal dispite some adversity in her life...it just happens to be my daughter...one of the few things i've done right in my life...
marissa is the kind of kid i think every parent would love to have...a few weeks after she was born she started sleeping through the night...she very rarely cried...and i think there's only been a handful of times i ever had to spank her (yes, i believe in spanking...its my kid i'll raise her how i want). the first 7 years of her life i worked 2nd shift at a job so i got to spend most of the day with her...i loved it...it was just me and my little girl...whenever we watched one of her disney movies (over and over and over) she would always sit on my lap...when i took her to the park i always had to play on everything with her...i even learned how to swing and push her at the same time. when i picked her up from school there was a big hill by her school...she called it "the big up and down"...it was her own personal rollercoaster...i'd have to go back and forth a half dozen times before we could go home. when she was 5 she wanted to play baseball on the boys league...even though she got hit by the baseball in the face in the first 5 minutes she never quit...her season was cut short when she was walking the dog, it took off running pulling her down and breaking one wrist and the other arm...i felt so bad...but she still went to ever game...even got her casts in the team colors...
she's always been a smart kid...in the GATE program...went to the fine & performing arts program in junior high...scored in the 99th percentile every year on the sat9 tests...going to high school half the day while in junior high...i have no idea where she gets that from. a few years ago she started planning out her entrie life...which college she wanted to go to...berkley, stanford, or one in singapore...she's already planned out her entire high school career...knows all the classes she's gonna take each year so she can graduate early and get a job before going to college...all the houses all over the world she's gonna have. i have no idea how many instruments she plays now...she started with the viola (in the orchestra)...and now she plays lotsa different percussion instruments (in marching band & drumline)...she has her own band with some friends...she plays drums and guitar...which she saved up for 6 months to buy on her own...she writes her own songs...and she's been writing cool stories for years...like i said...i could go on and on about her...
i guess sometimes i'm a little jealous of her...i wish i could be 14 again...i wish i could have my whole life ahead of me...i wish i could have my shit together as much as she does...which, as her father, is a pretty pathetic statement. her life hasn't been without problems...her parents divorced a few years ago...her sister has been totally fucked up the past 7 years and she's had to witness it all...she currently lives with her grandparents because her parents can't afford for her to live with them...and her father has been a total dick and ignored her way too much the past year in pursuit of his own happiness...i'm slowly making up for it...some of the things she should have had she's been denied. but through it all she somehow keeps a very positive attitude...its almost like things don't bother her at all...sometimes it makes me wonder...i also wonder sometimes how i had anything to do with raising someone like this. with all the shit that is my life she is the one constant that i know will always be good...she does it without even trying...i love her to death...
this is one of the first of many songs she's written for her band...she wrote it 2 years ago...she swears its not about her...
never stop...
i ran away today
ran away from the pain
ran from the heartache
all i have to say is
thank you
for finally making me see
that i've...
::chorus::
been crying 4 all the wrong reasons
so now i'm making my way
goin through the trials
to make it out on top
you've got me started
now i'm never gonna stop
dad you caused me pain
mom you made me run away
both of you caused me heartache
but you taught me alot
like theres no such thing as luv and
don't trust anyone
but thanx, now i see
that i've...
::chorus::
now i'm gone
my man took away my pain
best friend stopped running
i made the heartache go away
i've got flaws
but i'm working on it
some things i fixed are...
i've stopped cryin
made my way
passed thru trials
now i'm on top
with all this i'm just gettin started
and i'm never gonna stop...
marissa is the kind of kid i think every parent would love to have...a few weeks after she was born she started sleeping through the night...she very rarely cried...and i think there's only been a handful of times i ever had to spank her (yes, i believe in spanking...its my kid i'll raise her how i want). the first 7 years of her life i worked 2nd shift at a job so i got to spend most of the day with her...i loved it...it was just me and my little girl...whenever we watched one of her disney movies (over and over and over) she would always sit on my lap...when i took her to the park i always had to play on everything with her...i even learned how to swing and push her at the same time. when i picked her up from school there was a big hill by her school...she called it "the big up and down"...it was her own personal rollercoaster...i'd have to go back and forth a half dozen times before we could go home. when she was 5 she wanted to play baseball on the boys league...even though she got hit by the baseball in the face in the first 5 minutes she never quit...her season was cut short when she was walking the dog, it took off running pulling her down and breaking one wrist and the other arm...i felt so bad...but she still went to ever game...even got her casts in the team colors...
she's always been a smart kid...in the GATE program...went to the fine & performing arts program in junior high...scored in the 99th percentile every year on the sat9 tests...going to high school half the day while in junior high...i have no idea where she gets that from. a few years ago she started planning out her entrie life...which college she wanted to go to...berkley, stanford, or one in singapore...she's already planned out her entire high school career...knows all the classes she's gonna take each year so she can graduate early and get a job before going to college...all the houses all over the world she's gonna have. i have no idea how many instruments she plays now...she started with the viola (in the orchestra)...and now she plays lotsa different percussion instruments (in marching band & drumline)...she has her own band with some friends...she plays drums and guitar...which she saved up for 6 months to buy on her own...she writes her own songs...and she's been writing cool stories for years...like i said...i could go on and on about her...
i guess sometimes i'm a little jealous of her...i wish i could be 14 again...i wish i could have my whole life ahead of me...i wish i could have my shit together as much as she does...which, as her father, is a pretty pathetic statement. her life hasn't been without problems...her parents divorced a few years ago...her sister has been totally fucked up the past 7 years and she's had to witness it all...she currently lives with her grandparents because her parents can't afford for her to live with them...and her father has been a total dick and ignored her way too much the past year in pursuit of his own happiness...i'm slowly making up for it...some of the things she should have had she's been denied. but through it all she somehow keeps a very positive attitude...its almost like things don't bother her at all...sometimes it makes me wonder...i also wonder sometimes how i had anything to do with raising someone like this. with all the shit that is my life she is the one constant that i know will always be good...she does it without even trying...i love her to death...
this is one of the first of many songs she's written for her band...she wrote it 2 years ago...she swears its not about her...
never stop...
i ran away today
ran away from the pain
ran from the heartache
all i have to say is
thank you
for finally making me see
that i've...
::chorus::
been crying 4 all the wrong reasons
so now i'm making my way
goin through the trials
to make it out on top
you've got me started
now i'm never gonna stop
dad you caused me pain
mom you made me run away
both of you caused me heartache
but you taught me alot
like theres no such thing as luv and
don't trust anyone
but thanx, now i see
that i've...
::chorus::
now i'm gone
my man took away my pain
best friend stopped running
i made the heartache go away
i've got flaws
but i'm working on it
some things i fixed are...
i've stopped cryin
made my way
passed thru trials
now i'm on top
with all this i'm just gettin started
and i'm never gonna stop...
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free association...
I say ... and you think ... ?
1. stalker :: i think i could be a good one...i'm obsessive enough...any volunteers?
2. outrageous :: the amount of time i spend reading blogs...
3. carrying :: too much baggage...
4. spirited :: a fight i wish i could be in...
5. oh! :: shit...
6. grid :: gridlock...something i don't have to worry much about anymore...
7. country :: music sucks...even though secretly i like some of it...
8. karen :: carpenter...
9. candles :: cucumber melon...
10. relationship :: i'm getting tired of hearing this word...
1. stalker :: i think i could be a good one...i'm obsessive enough...any volunteers?
2. outrageous :: the amount of time i spend reading blogs...
3. carrying :: too much baggage...
4. spirited :: a fight i wish i could be in...
5. oh! :: shit...
6. grid :: gridlock...something i don't have to worry much about anymore...
7. country :: music sucks...even though secretly i like some of it...
8. karen :: carpenter...
9. candles :: cucumber melon...
10. relationship :: i'm getting tired of hearing this word...
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can't figure it out...
i smoke when i don't feel like having one...i eat even though i'm not hungry...i sleep because i'm bored...i have things to do each day but i just lay around and watch tv instead...
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more useless info...
tomorrow i go see my counselor...one of several i have...a very nice girl (zinnia) who's doing alot to ty and help me...i got a ticket awhile back for throwing a cigarette out the window...since i was unemployed at the time i couldn't pay it...now interest & penalties have been added on & i also have a warrant out for my arrest because of it...she got me into the homeless court so maybe i can get the thing taken care of...i'll still have to do the 8 hours of community service...which i don't mind...i'll prolly do it at this homeless shelter i go to from time to time...
this past year and a half has been a very eye opening experience...its been quite surreal...i've been homeless twice...now and once when amber, her sister, her 2 kids, and i lived in a hotel for a few weeks...i've been kicked out with no warning by my roommates...lived with friends...lived with my exwife...lived in an apartment with a dozen other people...twice been in a living situation that ended in an eviction (not mine)...seen i don't know how many more eviction notices on the door...had the power and cable turned off for weeks at a time...slept on couches, floors, and in my car...unemployed for 4 months straight...took a friend to get an abortion...been to the hospital in the middle of the night for a friend a half dozen times...went with a friend to her AA meeting at a gay club...the girl i was with had her kids kidnapped by her ex...sold cookies and popsicles around my neighborhood to make gas money...bummed smokes from total strangers for a few weeks...written i don't know how many bad checks to buy pizzas when we had no money to eat...got about a dozen payday advances which i never paid back...been sued twice...had 3 different cell phone carriers...i get food stamps...i eat at a homeless shelter sometimes...my car registration expired 9 months ago...same with my insurance...i haven't made a car payment since june...my key is still stuck in my ignition so i have to pull a fuse to turn the car off...my brake lights don't work...everything i own is in my car...and of course i got my best friend pregnant and now she won't talk to me...she hates me...its been more than 2 months since i spoke to her last...
i'm not telling all this because i want someone's pity or have people feel sorry for me...thats the last thing i want...all these things that happened are of my own making...i made alot of fucked up decisions for all the wrong reasons...sometimes i honestly thought i was doing a good thing...or at least i had good intentions...and in all honesty i consider quite a few of these experiences as good things...things just kinda had a way of backfiring and snowballing...its not over yet either...there's still more to come...but even though things have been extremely painful at times i really am glad for all these experiences...things do happen for a reason...there are people and organizations out there that really do want to help you...and sometimes you can only help yourself...
"When The Going Gets Tough, The Weird Turn Pro"
- Hunter S. Thompson
thanks kickass
this past year and a half has been a very eye opening experience...its been quite surreal...i've been homeless twice...now and once when amber, her sister, her 2 kids, and i lived in a hotel for a few weeks...i've been kicked out with no warning by my roommates...lived with friends...lived with my exwife...lived in an apartment with a dozen other people...twice been in a living situation that ended in an eviction (not mine)...seen i don't know how many more eviction notices on the door...had the power and cable turned off for weeks at a time...slept on couches, floors, and in my car...unemployed for 4 months straight...took a friend to get an abortion...been to the hospital in the middle of the night for a friend a half dozen times...went with a friend to her AA meeting at a gay club...the girl i was with had her kids kidnapped by her ex...sold cookies and popsicles around my neighborhood to make gas money...bummed smokes from total strangers for a few weeks...written i don't know how many bad checks to buy pizzas when we had no money to eat...got about a dozen payday advances which i never paid back...been sued twice...had 3 different cell phone carriers...i get food stamps...i eat at a homeless shelter sometimes...my car registration expired 9 months ago...same with my insurance...i haven't made a car payment since june...my key is still stuck in my ignition so i have to pull a fuse to turn the car off...my brake lights don't work...everything i own is in my car...and of course i got my best friend pregnant and now she won't talk to me...she hates me...its been more than 2 months since i spoke to her last...
i'm not telling all this because i want someone's pity or have people feel sorry for me...thats the last thing i want...all these things that happened are of my own making...i made alot of fucked up decisions for all the wrong reasons...sometimes i honestly thought i was doing a good thing...or at least i had good intentions...and in all honesty i consider quite a few of these experiences as good things...things just kinda had a way of backfiring and snowballing...its not over yet either...there's still more to come...but even though things have been extremely painful at times i really am glad for all these experiences...things do happen for a reason...there are people and organizations out there that really do want to help you...and sometimes you can only help yourself...
"When The Going Gets Tough, The Weird Turn Pro"
- Hunter S. Thompson
thanks kickass
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indianapolis...
i see you on my statcounter a few times a day...just wondering who you are...my curiosty gets the best of me...
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i suck...
so i work for this hotel chain and every so often someone will call up from the corporate office and make a reservation to test us without us knowing who they are until the end of the call...the first one i got was last week and i sucked...got something like a 65%...apparently i'm supposed to ask all these stupid personal questions about the customer and rave about how great the hotel is...i never do it. so i got my second of these calls a few minutes ago and i sucked again...i was pleasant and helpful with the person...gave them a highly discounted rate...but i'm just not the corporate drone that does things by a script...
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the perfect girl...
i think every guy who has had girl problems (like me) would seriously consider something like this...no more bullshit...ever!
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the geeks shall inherit the earth...
i pride myself on being an anti-social geek...i love other geeks...geeks are crazy sexy cool...i love all things geek...we will control the world someday...so here are a few geek links i can't do without...
ThinkGeek.com...a good site to fulfill all your geek needs...clothes, toys, office crap...etc.
UserFriendly.org...an actual geek cartoon...one of those ongoing ones so you need to go back into the achives...but its pretty good...
ThinkGeek.com...a good site to fulfill all your geek needs...clothes, toys, office crap...etc.
UserFriendly.org...an actual geek cartoon...one of those ongoing ones so you need to go back into the achives...but its pretty good...
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crazy...
In a church by the face
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday
by Seal...
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday
by Seal...
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work? what work...
i timed myself yesterday...the time it took to do actual work activities was 11 minutes and 37 seconds...thats it...the other 7 hours and 48 minutes was play time...more like read-a-lot-of-blogs time...
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unconscious mutterings...
this is something kinda cool that i found at this site...a free association thing...a new one every week...check it out and try it yourself...
I say ... and you think ... ?
- amazing :: that i continue to wake up each morning...
- delights :: the laughter & giggles of small children...
- inspired :: marissa...she has so many dreams & aspirations...
- disgusted :: amber...and me continually wasting my emotions on her...
- you :: stagnate...not living up to my potential...
- vagina :: beautiful but dangerous...and sometimes deadly...
- palm :: the right one is used way too much...
- sweetheart :: never ever again...yeah, right...
- guilt :: self inflicted and unnecessary...
- more to come :: boy, is there ever...i'm just starting...
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friday's feast...
yeah, i know its not friday...but thats the name of the blog i got this from...every friday some mind stimulating questions for you to answer...
Appetizer
What was the last game you purchased? when i used to play computer games i never bought a single one...i downloaded them all for free...so i guess the last game thing i bought musta been that uno game that shoots the cards out at you...been about a year or so ago...
Soup
Name something in which you don't believe. time served for good behavior...there's a serious crime problem in this country and the whole judicial system is a joke...life in prison is only a few years these days...there's no deterrent...
Salad
If you could choose a television personality to be your boss, who would you pick? cosmo kramer...every day would be an outrageous adventure...
Main Course
What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way? not trusting someone and spying on them by reading their emails...i almost lost that very good friend...i don't know where i'd be today without her...
Dessert
Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room. something with lotsa cushy things to lay around on...lit only by candles...huge tv with an xbox & ps2...total gamer pc...but also someplace that i could read & write for hours on end...
Appetizer
What was the last game you purchased? when i used to play computer games i never bought a single one...i downloaded them all for free...so i guess the last game thing i bought musta been that uno game that shoots the cards out at you...been about a year or so ago...
Soup
Name something in which you don't believe. time served for good behavior...there's a serious crime problem in this country and the whole judicial system is a joke...life in prison is only a few years these days...there's no deterrent...
Salad
If you could choose a television personality to be your boss, who would you pick? cosmo kramer...every day would be an outrageous adventure...
Main Course
What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way? not trusting someone and spying on them by reading their emails...i almost lost that very good friend...i don't know where i'd be today without her...
Dessert
Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room. something with lotsa cushy things to lay around on...lit only by candles...huge tv with an xbox & ps2...total gamer pc...but also someplace that i could read & write for hours on end...
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don't you hate it when...
something hideous escapes from you and you actually feel somewhat sorry for the innocent person who has to endure it...
i don't...
i don't...
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horoscopes are bullshit...
my horoscope from today just reaffirms what i already knew...they're bullshit! although sometimes rather amusing...
In future years, you could remember today as one of the best days of your life, (i laid around watching tv and i went to work at 3:00 which meant i missed the Charger game and had to listen to it on the radio...i don't consider that as the best day of my life...).
Romance should be going beautifully (what the fuck!!! romance? what fucking romance? romance is the last thing i want right now...i despise people in love and want nothing to do with it...);
you could exchange deeply felt words of love today with your partner (you don't wanna know the deeply felt words i wanna exchange with my previous partner...they're far from loving...).
The future looks bright (no it doesn't...quit saying so much stupid shit!),
and you should be full of enthusiastic plans for pursuing what you really want to do (i got plans alright...and i'm very enthusiastic about them...but its not at all what you think...).
Also, you should be feeling especially strong, energetic, and healthy, and ready to try just about anything. (ready to try anything? you got that much right at least...)
A journey may be coming up soon (please! take me away from all this bliss...).
Have fun! (fuck you whoever wrote this stupid bullshit!)
p.s...i love these kinda things...it gives me so much inspiration for blogging...i'm such a sarcastic dick sometimes...but i love it...
In future years, you could remember today as one of the best days of your life, (i laid around watching tv and i went to work at 3:00 which meant i missed the Charger game and had to listen to it on the radio...i don't consider that as the best day of my life...).
Romance should be going beautifully (what the fuck!!! romance? what fucking romance? romance is the last thing i want right now...i despise people in love and want nothing to do with it...);
you could exchange deeply felt words of love today with your partner (you don't wanna know the deeply felt words i wanna exchange with my previous partner...they're far from loving...).
The future looks bright (no it doesn't...quit saying so much stupid shit!),
and you should be full of enthusiastic plans for pursuing what you really want to do (i got plans alright...and i'm very enthusiastic about them...but its not at all what you think...).
Also, you should be feeling especially strong, energetic, and healthy, and ready to try just about anything. (ready to try anything? you got that much right at least...)
A journey may be coming up soon (please! take me away from all this bliss...).
Have fun! (fuck you whoever wrote this stupid bullshit!)
p.s...i love these kinda things...it gives me so much inspiration for blogging...i'm such a sarcastic dick sometimes...but i love it...
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more wtf moments...
did anyone else see this on the news the other night? the day after thanksgiving shopping nightmare known as "black friday"...this was one of those scenes where they opened the doors of a walmart at 5am and everyone rushes in and starts falling down. i dunno...maybe its because i'm secretly trying to turn myself into a sociopath but i thought this was hilarious...same with the 73 year old lady that got knocked on her ass...well maybe not that one...i'm not that bad...yet...but the woman on the right gets pushed down as soon as she gets through the doors and what is her first thought? maybe curl up in a fetal position or put her hands over her head so she doesn't get it crushed? maybe even try to get her fat ass up so nobody else falls over her? nope! the first thought that entered her brain was to put fucking her wig back on (see the video here...i think)...what the fuck was she thinking? there were people falling down all around her...not to mention the fucking lard ass in sweats (in the middle here) just watching the melee unfold...and this fucking hosebeast has to put her ugly ass wig back on...i was fucking stunned silly when i saw this...talk about a typical female! having to look good (or trying to) in public takes precedence over everything else...i'm just kidding of course. back in my married life i was forced to endure the black friday ritual...what a fucking nightmare that was...sometimes being single is really worth it...
tom cruise...what the fuck dude? this guy is a freak of nature...i mean he's a great actor...collateral has been on hbo at least twice a week for the past month or so and i watch it every single time...i so wanna be a sociopathic hitman named vincent like him someday...i loved the last samurai...the simple elegance and scenery was breathtaking...that one scene in jerry maguire (which i've seen 3 times in the past few weeks)..."you complete me"...i still cry when i see that...i so wanna say that to girl someday...and of course the guru of female seduction in one of my all time favorite movies magnolia..."respect the cock!" is a great line...sure, his films have grossed $2,358,062,667...but still...all the weird stuff...the jumping on the couch during oprah...which, now that i think about it, is what i feel like doing when i'm in love with someone...he actually has the balls to do it...so that ain't so bad i guess...the sonogram thing ain't so bad either now that i think about it too...if i had that kinda cash i'd like to take a look at my unborn kid anytime i wanted...i thought the whole TomKat name thingy was kinda weird in the beginning...even though it is kinda catchy...seriously...who wouldn't wanna have something like that with the one they're with...PhilAmb...ok, maybe not. scientology, psychiatry, the public displays of affection, brooke shields, nicole kidman, chemical imbalance...come to think of it tom cruise ain't so bad after all...tom is my new hero...
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wtf moments...
as you may or may not have heard (who really gives a rats ass?) leonardo dicaprio recently got dumped by this hottie...gisele bundchen... because she got tired of waiting for him to pop the question...dude, what the fuck are you thinking? she's brazilian...she's a victoria's secret model...you need to be smacked senseless...or maybe you already have been...gisele, sweetie, call me...please...i guarantee i will worship the ground you strut on...i'll accompany you around the world and hangout with you in the dressing room of all those fashion shows...and you'll have no problem getting a ring from me. btw...this pic is her at the victoria's secret fashion show...i kinda surprised myself that i took the time to look at the pics from the show...the whole victoria's secret subject is something i intentionally avoid now...maybe its because i wasted so much cash there and never got a chance to reap the benefits...i get physically sick just thinking about it.... 
what the fuck is this thing you ask? this is sam...the recently deceased undisputed ugliest dog in the world...this thing isn't just ugly it really scares the shit outta me...how in the hell was this thing ever created? what two (or more) animals did it doggy style and spawned this beastly little freak show? i saw this thing on the news the other night and later that night this thing gave me a nightmare...i dreamt that amber was giving birth to our kid and this thing popped out instead and fucking bit me in the balls with those mangly teeth...seriously...scared the fucking shit outta me like you wouldn't believe...one of those nightmares that when you wake up you need a smoke right the fuck now and you're shaking so much half the pack falls on the ground...i'm not exactly an animal lover or hater...i don't want any but if you have some then good for you...but i am so glad this thing is dead...maybe i'll sleep a little better with that comforting thought? 
btw...wanna see something really scary? check out the pics of tyra banks at the victoria's secret fashion show...what the fuck happened to her? she looks kinda like our friend sam here...seriously...check out the two pics...same exact pose by both of them...i think tyra might be somehow involved in the whole spawning process...wanna know something else thats freaky? sam died the same day as the fashion show...i'm just saying...you won't see my sweetie gisele posing like some mangly tooth dog...in other wtf news...my boss tried to restrict internet access on the computers at work...this is a 400 lb 19 year old (daddy is the owner so whats that tell ya?) that apparently doesn't have anything better to do with his time...i mean come on...the past 3 nights i've had 1 customer total...what the fuck am i supposed to do for 8 hours? i finished my latest book...i did my laundry...this is the only time i have to blog and waste time on the internet while getting paid for it...unfortunately for him it didn't work...i found ways around the content advisor in IE and i'm still blogging to my hearts content...
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emotions...
i feel these emotions all day every day...the full spectrum...they consume me...they're destroying me...
love, hate, bitterness, rage, anger, fear, spite, despair, frustration, joy, helplessness, sadness, sorrow, vengeance, retribution, dread, passion, excitement, obsession, wickedness, cruelty...i feel it all...
love, hate, bitterness, rage, anger, fear, spite, despair, frustration, joy, helplessness, sadness, sorrow, vengeance, retribution, dread, passion, excitement, obsession, wickedness, cruelty...i feel it all...
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i've been tagged...by astrocoz...
ten years ago: i was having the family over for thanksgiving in my new house...
five years ago: i have no clue...but it was prolly at a family members house and i was trying to figure a way to sneak away and have a few smokes (my ex didn't know i smoked)...
one year ago: see this post...
yesterday, i: did nothing except read, write, go to work, and read some blogs...
five snacks i enjoy:
1. twizlers...
2. snickers...
3. grape tomatos...
4. mandarin oranges...
5. cheetos with chopsticks (i hate cheese fingers so i eat all chips and some other things with chopsticks)...
five songs to which i know all the words:
1. the whole joshua tree albumn by u2...
2. "white lines" by grandmaster flash & the furious five...
3. "whatever" by godsmack...
4. "the reason" by hoobastank...
5. "this is the new shit" by marilyn manson...
five things i would do with $100 million:
1. get several new identities so no one knows who i am...
2. move to tuscany so no one can find me...
3. set up some nice trust funds for my kids...and not let their mothers touch a dime of it...
4. totally flaunt my riches to those who have screwed me over...
5. completely fuck with people i don't like...like they did to sandra bullock in the net...
five places to run away:
1. tuscany...
2. cayman islands...
3. london...
4. belize...
5. azores...
five bad habits:
1. watching titanic every single time it comes on...
2. spending too much cash on girls...
3. throwing away all my socks and buying new ones after only two months...
4. not shaving when i know i should...i hate shaving...
5. long fingernails...i need more manicures...
five things i like doing:
1. midnight walks downtown...
2. walking barefoot on the beach...
3. reading weird blogs...
4. writing page after page in my journal...
5. drinking and shooting pool...
five things i would never wear:
1. a speedo...
2. baggy jeans or long baggy shorts...
3. any female clothes...
4. tighty whiteys...perry ellis boxers only...
5. uggs = fugly...
five favorite tv shows:
1. any variant of law and order...
2. world series of poker...
3. san diego chargers football...but no other sports...
4. 24...
5. felicity...i used to watch the dvds from start to finish...every single season...
five biggest joys in my life:
1. marissa...
2. the cool people i work for...
3. that my car hasn't been repo'd yet...
4. that in may i'll have a new son or daughter...
5. the very cool and understanding friends in my life...
five favorite toys:
1. my cell phone...i gotta be able to get my email 24/7...
2. my journal...i'd seriously go insane without it...
3. the remote control...
4. my library card...
5. my beard trimmer...i use it for all kindsa things...
now for the victims i need to tag...i'm not gonna tag anyone specifically...if ya wanna do it please feel free to do so...i'd love to see your responses...
five years ago: i have no clue...but it was prolly at a family members house and i was trying to figure a way to sneak away and have a few smokes (my ex didn't know i smoked)...
one year ago: see this post...
yesterday, i: did nothing except read, write, go to work, and read some blogs...
five snacks i enjoy:
1. twizlers...
2. snickers...
3. grape tomatos...
4. mandarin oranges...
5. cheetos with chopsticks (i hate cheese fingers so i eat all chips and some other things with chopsticks)...
five songs to which i know all the words:
1. the whole joshua tree albumn by u2...
2. "white lines" by grandmaster flash & the furious five...
3. "whatever" by godsmack...
4. "the reason" by hoobastank...
5. "this is the new shit" by marilyn manson...
five things i would do with $100 million:
1. get several new identities so no one knows who i am...
2. move to tuscany so no one can find me...
3. set up some nice trust funds for my kids...and not let their mothers touch a dime of it...
4. totally flaunt my riches to those who have screwed me over...
5. completely fuck with people i don't like...like they did to sandra bullock in the net...
five places to run away:
1. tuscany...
2. cayman islands...
3. london...
4. belize...
5. azores...
five bad habits:
1. watching titanic every single time it comes on...
2. spending too much cash on girls...
3. throwing away all my socks and buying new ones after only two months...
4. not shaving when i know i should...i hate shaving...
5. long fingernails...i need more manicures...
five things i like doing:
1. midnight walks downtown...
2. walking barefoot on the beach...
3. reading weird blogs...
4. writing page after page in my journal...
5. drinking and shooting pool...
five things i would never wear:
1. a speedo...
2. baggy jeans or long baggy shorts...
3. any female clothes...
4. tighty whiteys...perry ellis boxers only...
5. uggs = fugly...
five favorite tv shows:
1. any variant of law and order...
2. world series of poker...
3. san diego chargers football...but no other sports...
4. 24...
5. felicity...i used to watch the dvds from start to finish...every single season...
five biggest joys in my life:
1. marissa...
2. the cool people i work for...
3. that my car hasn't been repo'd yet...
4. that in may i'll have a new son or daughter...
5. the very cool and understanding friends in my life...
five favorite toys:
1. my cell phone...i gotta be able to get my email 24/7...
2. my journal...i'd seriously go insane without it...
3. the remote control...
4. my library card...
5. my beard trimmer...i use it for all kindsa things...
now for the victims i need to tag...i'm not gonna tag anyone specifically...if ya wanna do it please feel free to do so...i'd love to see your responses...
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detachable penis...
i heard this song by king missle for the first time in years and i thought i'd share it with everyone...sometimes i think having a detachable penis isn't such a bad idea...save us guys from alot of trouble...
[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]
This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.
[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]
This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.
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i hate thanksgiving...
first of all i don't actually hate thanksgiving...i'm not that anti-social (yet)...i do have alot to be thankful for...but sometimes there are experiences from holidays past that you'd rather not have to think about this time around...and this thanksgiving is one i'm really not looking forward to...
last thanksgiving was the first holiday amber and i spent together...and in many ways it was perfect. amber up until that point had never made an entire thanksgiving dinner all by herself so this time she went all out...she made everything you can think of...there were only 5 of us there but she made enough food to feed 25...we had leftovers for a week. the turkey she made with sangria and honestly it was the best turkey i've had in my life...nothing compares...everything she made she put her heart and soul into. up until then i sorta got the feeling that she thought she wasn't that great of a cook...good, but not great...and i really don't know why (well actually i do, more on that later) but i can also honestly say that there never once was something she cooked that i didn't like...she really is a great cook...her chicken and lentils are to die for...something i think i'll always miss...
but what made the holiday really special was the way you could just tell she felt about herself after everything was done...she really was proud of herself. it's hard to put this in writing and really convey what i'm trying to describe. amber is a very stubborn person...sometimes that's a very good thing...and other times (like the present day situation) it's a very frustrating thing...and because of that i sorta got the feeling that she somehow felt it was wrong to be proud of something good she did like cook a really great thanksgiving dinner...but there was no way she could hide the fact that she was happy and proud of what she did...and rightly so...she should feel that way about herself. but that was the best moment for me...seeing how good she felt about herself...there's nothing like it in the world...at that point in time i knew a little about what she had gone through in her life and knowing what i did made it all the more special...it was like a huge step for her self confidence as a person and a woman. there were other times when i got to experience it again...the time she baked cookies to sell around the neighborhood to get gas money...all the times she did good in school...the time she went all out for her daughter's birthday party...there were so many more...things that seem minor to others but to her, and to me, they were major...and at the same time she seemed to try and downplay what she had done...but she never once fooled me...
so later that night amber did something else completely unexpected...something she had never done up until that point and rarely did again...i was getting ready to go to sleep on her couch and she came out and kissed me goodnight...again, it's one of those things that's hard to describe why it happened but i think a big part of it was how she felt about herself and in a small way how i helped her get there just by being around...there was so much emotion in that kiss...just like in every time she was the one kissing me...
so when you had a thanksgiving like that last year and this year you know you're missing out on another special day like that it kinda makes you want to avoid the day altogether...it doesn't matter what you're doing or who you're doing it with...there's only one place you really want to be...
last thanksgiving was the first holiday amber and i spent together...and in many ways it was perfect. amber up until that point had never made an entire thanksgiving dinner all by herself so this time she went all out...she made everything you can think of...there were only 5 of us there but she made enough food to feed 25...we had leftovers for a week. the turkey she made with sangria and honestly it was the best turkey i've had in my life...nothing compares...everything she made she put her heart and soul into. up until then i sorta got the feeling that she thought she wasn't that great of a cook...good, but not great...and i really don't know why (well actually i do, more on that later) but i can also honestly say that there never once was something she cooked that i didn't like...she really is a great cook...her chicken and lentils are to die for...something i think i'll always miss...
but what made the holiday really special was the way you could just tell she felt about herself after everything was done...she really was proud of herself. it's hard to put this in writing and really convey what i'm trying to describe. amber is a very stubborn person...sometimes that's a very good thing...and other times (like the present day situation) it's a very frustrating thing...and because of that i sorta got the feeling that she somehow felt it was wrong to be proud of something good she did like cook a really great thanksgiving dinner...but there was no way she could hide the fact that she was happy and proud of what she did...and rightly so...she should feel that way about herself. but that was the best moment for me...seeing how good she felt about herself...there's nothing like it in the world...at that point in time i knew a little about what she had gone through in her life and knowing what i did made it all the more special...it was like a huge step for her self confidence as a person and a woman. there were other times when i got to experience it again...the time she baked cookies to sell around the neighborhood to get gas money...all the times she did good in school...the time she went all out for her daughter's birthday party...there were so many more...things that seem minor to others but to her, and to me, they were major...and at the same time she seemed to try and downplay what she had done...but she never once fooled me...
so later that night amber did something else completely unexpected...something she had never done up until that point and rarely did again...i was getting ready to go to sleep on her couch and she came out and kissed me goodnight...again, it's one of those things that's hard to describe why it happened but i think a big part of it was how she felt about herself and in a small way how i helped her get there just by being around...there was so much emotion in that kiss...just like in every time she was the one kissing me...
so when you had a thanksgiving like that last year and this year you know you're missing out on another special day like that it kinda makes you want to avoid the day altogether...it doesn't matter what you're doing or who you're doing it with...there's only one place you really want to be...
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i'm an asshole, part II...
yes...i freely admit that i can be an asshole sometimes...i can be pretty self destructive. this is a post i've been thinking about writing for quite some time now...not just since i discovered the person this post is about has been reading my blog...
i had a friend awhile back and about a year or so ago i screwed her over in a major way for very selfish reasons...it wasn't intentional but rather one of those things that starts happening and before you know it there's no going back. we had a consulting job together doing some database programming and when the client made a payment on the job i wrote her a check for her part ($2000) and a few weeks later when the check went through it bounced...the money wasn't there anymore...it had been foolishly spent on other things...
things had been getting outta hand for me before all this happened...but if i had to pinpoint a particular moment in time when the downward spiral really began this would have to be it...everything pretty much started going downhill from here...although at the time i really didn't realize it...and i guess maybe my life now is some form of poetic justice for what i did to my friend...i deserve everything that's happened to me...
but the worst thing i did wasn't screwing over a business partner, it was screwing over a friend. we were both single, around the same age, neither of us had very many other friends, and we had the type of friendship that we were able to share our secrets and fears with each other...we trusted each other that way...we told each other things that we never told anyone else...and when you're betrayed by someone that close to you you're never quite the same...trust me, i know...oh do i ever know...it's only been recently that i truly know the magnitude of what i did to her...
so why did i do it? anyone who's known me this past year or who's been reading my blog for a significant amount of time knows why. sometimes you realize your greatest fear in life and you'll do anything to avoid it...you'll make stupid decisions...you'll completely fuck up your life...you'll screw over everyone important to you, not just your friends. that fear manifests itself and completely controls you...and when you see what you think is an opportunity to put that fear behind you once and for all you jump in with both feet...the consequences be damned. it's only in hindsight that you finally figure out what you've really done...you realize that the fear you once had is back more intensely than ever before and rearing it's ugly head once again...it was never really gone to begin with...just quietly waiting for the perfect moment to ambush your emotions...the self destruction continues...
i had a friend awhile back and about a year or so ago i screwed her over in a major way for very selfish reasons...it wasn't intentional but rather one of those things that starts happening and before you know it there's no going back. we had a consulting job together doing some database programming and when the client made a payment on the job i wrote her a check for her part ($2000) and a few weeks later when the check went through it bounced...the money wasn't there anymore...it had been foolishly spent on other things...
things had been getting outta hand for me before all this happened...but if i had to pinpoint a particular moment in time when the downward spiral really began this would have to be it...everything pretty much started going downhill from here...although at the time i really didn't realize it...and i guess maybe my life now is some form of poetic justice for what i did to my friend...i deserve everything that's happened to me...
but the worst thing i did wasn't screwing over a business partner, it was screwing over a friend. we were both single, around the same age, neither of us had very many other friends, and we had the type of friendship that we were able to share our secrets and fears with each other...we trusted each other that way...we told each other things that we never told anyone else...and when you're betrayed by someone that close to you you're never quite the same...trust me, i know...oh do i ever know...it's only been recently that i truly know the magnitude of what i did to her...
so why did i do it? anyone who's known me this past year or who's been reading my blog for a significant amount of time knows why. sometimes you realize your greatest fear in life and you'll do anything to avoid it...you'll make stupid decisions...you'll completely fuck up your life...you'll screw over everyone important to you, not just your friends. that fear manifests itself and completely controls you...and when you see what you think is an opportunity to put that fear behind you once and for all you jump in with both feet...the consequences be damned. it's only in hindsight that you finally figure out what you've really done...you realize that the fear you once had is back more intensely than ever before and rearing it's ugly head once again...it was never really gone to begin with...just quietly waiting for the perfect moment to ambush your emotions...the self destruction continues...
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inside track on me...
i got this idea from dirty filthy princess and i thought it was kinda original so i thought i'd give it a try...
why did you start blogging?
for me i just wanted a place where i could write down things i was feeling...i wasn't thinking that anyone would ever read it...but now that there are people all over the world reading my blog i commit most of my deepest, darkest thoughts to paper...i doubt i'll let anyone ever read those...
have you ever wanted to meet a blogger in person?
of course...there's so many interesting people that i've met through blogging but meeting them in person isn't very practical...they live to far away...
have you ever met a blogger in person?
at the place i used to work at there were several of us there that have blogs...so i met them before i knew about their blogs...
have you ever spoken to one on the phone?
other than those i worked with, no...
where do your ideas for posts come from?
just whatever happens during the day...things i see somewhere else (like this list)...things i'm thinking about...the usual...
have you ever fallen for another blogger?
never...
how many blogs do you read?
i read 15 or so usual ones every day...then i randomly find others that i check out...usually from the comments or links from the 15...
what do you like to read in a blog?
just people talking about their everyday life and what's going on...but also things that are out of the ordinary...things that really make you think...
are there blogs you shy away from?
sex blogs...especially the fantasy ones...that shit never happens...
why do you keep writing?
i have more i want to say...i guess in a way its therapeutic...there's something about writing something and having someone else read it and let you know what they thought about it...
why did you start blogging?
for me i just wanted a place where i could write down things i was feeling...i wasn't thinking that anyone would ever read it...but now that there are people all over the world reading my blog i commit most of my deepest, darkest thoughts to paper...i doubt i'll let anyone ever read those...
have you ever wanted to meet a blogger in person?
of course...there's so many interesting people that i've met through blogging but meeting them in person isn't very practical...they live to far away...
have you ever met a blogger in person?
at the place i used to work at there were several of us there that have blogs...so i met them before i knew about their blogs...
have you ever spoken to one on the phone?
other than those i worked with, no...
where do your ideas for posts come from?
just whatever happens during the day...things i see somewhere else (like this list)...things i'm thinking about...the usual...
have you ever fallen for another blogger?
never...
how many blogs do you read?
i read 15 or so usual ones every day...then i randomly find others that i check out...usually from the comments or links from the 15...
what do you like to read in a blog?
just people talking about their everyday life and what's going on...but also things that are out of the ordinary...things that really make you think...
are there blogs you shy away from?
sex blogs...especially the fantasy ones...that shit never happens...
why do you keep writing?
i have more i want to say...i guess in a way its therapeutic...there's something about writing something and having someone else read it and let you know what they thought about it...
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my next tattoo...
so i've always wanted another tattoo...but not just anything...has to be something that i'll want to have on my body for the rest of my life and not be embarrassed to show people 20 years from now...but i just haven't had a clue what that would be...but i now have an idea...
i'm currently reading dan brown's (the da vinci code) book angels & demons...really good by the way...and there are a few ambigrams in the book...for those of you who don't recall off hand ambigrams are words that are the same word or a different word when flipped upside down. maybe not these exact words (or maybe i will) but something along these lines...
btw...the ambigrams here are true / false and earth, air, fire, water...these, and other ambigrams, can be found on this site ...
i'm currently reading dan brown's (the da vinci code) book angels & demons...really good by the way...and there are a few ambigrams in the book...for those of you who don't recall off hand ambigrams are words that are the same word or a different word when flipped upside down. maybe not these exact words (or maybe i will) but something along these lines...
btw...the ambigrams here are true / false and earth, air, fire, water...these, and other ambigrams, can be found on this site ...
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i love so cal...
i love living in oceanside, ca...the high today was 83°...this was due to this phenomenon they call a santa ana (i'm not gonna bother trying to explain it)...makes it hot, dry, and windy...perfect weather for wearing shorts (isn't every day a perfect day for that?)...took a barefoot walk on the beach and pier...actually had to have the a/c on most of the day...i love it!
i guess this is one of the reasons i'll never move away from here...i was considering grand rapids, mi awhile back...my dad, sister, and brother live there...the forecast there for tomorrow calls for a high of 28°. lemme see...take a walk on the beach in mid november or freeze my balls off?
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all about me...
i've seen some of these lists recently so i thought i'd give it a shot too...some of these i put in a post back in april...
1. born and raised in quincy, il...aka bumfuck, usa...
2. i went to a really fucked up baptist high school where i never once had homework, wrote a term paper, etc...
3. i was however all-state in basketball and soccer...
4. my graduating class was 4...
5. 2 of the guys in my class (one of which was me) got our girlfriends pregnant...all of us smoked pot...so much for a christian education...
6. i was 16 and at summer camp when my kid was born...the child was born on fathers day and the other campers made me a fathers day card...
7. not surprisingly i flunked outta college after 2 semesters with a 0.4 gpa...
8. i'll be 39 when my child thats on the way is born...
9. the girl thats having my baby is the same age (23) as the kid i had when i was 16...
10. i've never once seen that kid and i often wonder if someday i'll get a knock on the door...
11. when i was 17 i got super drunk on old milwaukee beer...ever since then i can't drink or smell beer or i get nauseous...
12. also when i was 17 i broke my arm on a rollercoaster...its why they have signs telling you to keep your arms down, dumbass...
13. shortly after that i decided a change of scenery was in order so i moved to texas...
14. i've lived in 8 different states and i've been to 37 of them...
15. i've been to 7 different countries (mostly in africa)...everywhere from the azores to zaire (now the congo)
16. i was in the army for 4 years...i got out 1 month before desert storm...i was kinda disappointed too...
17. i was in a special forces unit (aka green berets)...
18. i was the only one in my unit that didn't jump outta planes...never got the chance to...kinda disappointed about that too...
19. when i was in zaire i lost 30 lbs in a month...that place is freaking hot...
20. i've worked at 8 different dominos in 3 different states...
21. i met my exwife at dominos...she was the manager and i was a driver...
22. no one even knew we were together until after we were married...
23. we only dated for 3 months before we went across the border to a justice of the peace to get married...
24. the only person with us was her 4 year old daughter who was watching cartoons in the lobby...
25. 4 months later i was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon (my truck) with intent to kill (my wife)...long story...
26. i found out yesterday that i currently have a warrant out for my arrest...its for an unpaid ticket for throwing a cigarette out the window...
27. i have a huge fear of going to jail...
28. i have an even huger fear of becoming someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass...
29. i'm not gay at all but i have a list of about 10 guys (johnny depp, brad pitt, etc.) i wouldn't mind having sex with...
30. i was 35 when i became a grandpa...
31. i've been to the weddings of both parents and both sets of grandparents...
32. me and my roommate in the military used to break into junkyards at night to get parts for his car...
33. we also used to make homemade pipe bombs and other nasty explosives...you'd be amazed what you can make from simple household items...
34. we also had the exact same birthdate as well as the same height, weight, hair and eye color...freaky...
35. i also had the exact same birthdate as my girlfriend in college and best friend in high school...
36. had a job when i was 15 painting support wires on radio towers...until one of the towers fell down...
37. once worked for a guy who was a convicted money launderer for the mob...the office was in the basement of his mansion on the beach...
38. he was also responsible for 130 savings and loans going bankrupt...
39. in the military i was caught smoking pot...got off when i hid a bottle of piss in my underwear for when they tested me...
40. my favorite car was a 1966 pontiac lemans...muscle car...loud, fast, big ass tires, chick magnet...it was perfect...
41. technically i'm currently homeless...although i spend the majority of my time in a hotel room...
42. i also get food stamps...
43. none of this really bothers me all that much...in fact i kinda like the way my life is at the moment...
44. last week i went 3 days straight without uttering a single word to another person...i kinda like that too...
45. i have a secret desire to be in a high speed police chase thats on live tv...i just gotta get away...which i haven't figured out how to do yet...
46. i also have a secret desire to kill certain individuals that have wronged me...seriously...but #27 and 28 prevent me from actually going through with it...
47. i shot and killed someone when i was in the military...all i can say was i was in africa and me and my unit wasn't there...
48. i'm not bothered that i killed someone...but i sometimes wonder how that person's family reacted when they found out...
49. i often imagine what it would be like to outta the blue haul off and hit people that are in my every day life...i think about what their stunned reaction would be...
50. i've never been in a fight in my life...
51. but i also want to experience getting my ass seriously kicked...i'm sure i could find some volunteers to pummel me...
52. edward norton in fight club is my hero...i'd love to walk around in public with a black eye, bruises, and blood on my clothes...
53. i'm actually a very calm, non-violent individual...
54. one of the things i hate most in life is men who abuse women...i could kill them without remorse...
55. i love marilyn manson...i honestly love his music...
56. i screwed a friend and business partner outta $2000 for a consulting job we had...
57. she sued me but i haven't paid her a dime...yet...
58. i think she's been reading my blog recently...
59. i have a fear of growing old and being all alone...but i think its destined to happen to me...
60. because of this i'm practically desperate to find someone to spend the rest of my life with...and i'll do pretty much anything to get that person...including screwing over friends...
61. i think baseball is boring to watch...even on sportscenter...
62. right now i'm wondering if i can come up with 100 things about me...i'm also wondering how many people will read this much too...
63. twice in my life i've written 100 reasons why i love someone lists...
64. i love facials and manicures...
65. i've been told on several occasions that i give great massages...
66. i'm very insecure in many ways...
67. i sleep 4 hours a day...on a good day...
68. i feel bored with life...
69. i lack intellectual stimulation...
70. i hate politics but at the same time i find watching a bunch of idiots fascinating...
71. i like working menial jobs that i'm extremely overqualified for...
72. i love snickers candy bars...but they have to be frozen...i hate soft, mushy ones...
73. i currently eat 2 or 3 of them a day...
74. my alcohol of choice is parrot bay rum...either mixed with anything or shots...a few months ago i did 21 shots one night...
75. the night i got amber pregnant we did 15 shots each...
76. i'm a happy, funny, horny drunk...
77. i love using "..." when i type something...i hate proper punctuation and capitalization...
78. i love the $1 double cheeseburgers at mcdonalds...cheap and good...
79. i go several days in a row without eating sometimes just because i don't want to expend the effort of going out to get something...
80. nothing shocks me anymore...
81. i like reading other people's blogs...i especially enjoy finding people who are just as fucked up and freaky as i am...
82. porn doesn't really do it for me but i love artistic nudity...
83. i have very little pride left anymore...being homeless will do that for ya...
84. i liked it when i used to live in a mexican gang neighborhood...i like being a minority...
85. i think bigots and racists are assholes...
86. i think things like the naacp image awards, black music awards, black history month, etc. are racist...imagine the uproar if there was white music awards or white history month...there are over 500 organizations that use the word black as their anchor (black miss america, black mayors conference, etc.)...i think anything, not just black, that makes race an issue is racist...humans are a species not a race...
87. i once went 11 months without wearing pants...i only wore shorts the entire time...even in winter...
88. please don't dwell on this image but i prefer sleeping nude...
89. i really don't feel like anything i write is worth reading by others...
90. i'm addicted to statcounter...i'm amazed that people all over the world actually read my blog...i'm further amazed at those people that keep coming back for more...
91. slow internet connections, like the one at my work, really piss me off...it wastes my time...
92. ignorance by others also pisses me off...there, their, they're...figure out how to use each of them properly you fucking idiots...although outta, kinda, wanna, lemme, etc. are perfectly acceptable to me...
93. i went 2 years without sleeping in a bed except for a handful of times...
94. sleeping in a bed now feels weird to me and i find it hard to get comfortable...
95. i'm bored easily but i really don't care...i like being bored...
96. i often feel i'm ignored by others, especially those i care about, and it hurts me immensely...
97. all i want in life is to be loved and cared about by someone that shares the same intensity i have for them...but i doubt i'll ever find that person...
98. i hate using people or making them feel sorry for me...if i feel i'm not wanted somewhere i'll leave immediately...
99. there's tons of things i love that seem gay or feminine...but i really don't give a fuck what others think...i'll freely admit any of them...
100. i think its obscene that i made it this far and i have quite a few more things i could add...
1. born and raised in quincy, il...aka bumfuck, usa...
2. i went to a really fucked up baptist high school where i never once had homework, wrote a term paper, etc...
3. i was however all-state in basketball and soccer...
4. my graduating class was 4...
5. 2 of the guys in my class (one of which was me) got our girlfriends pregnant...all of us smoked pot...so much for a christian education...
6. i was 16 and at summer camp when my kid was born...the child was born on fathers day and the other campers made me a fathers day card...
7. not surprisingly i flunked outta college after 2 semesters with a 0.4 gpa...
8. i'll be 39 when my child thats on the way is born...
9. the girl thats having my baby is the same age (23) as the kid i had when i was 16...
10. i've never once seen that kid and i often wonder if someday i'll get a knock on the door...
11. when i was 17 i got super drunk on old milwaukee beer...ever since then i can't drink or smell beer or i get nauseous...
12. also when i was 17 i broke my arm on a rollercoaster...its why they have signs telling you to keep your arms down, dumbass...
13. shortly after that i decided a change of scenery was in order so i moved to texas...
14. i've lived in 8 different states and i've been to 37 of them...
15. i've been to 7 different countries (mostly in africa)...everywhere from the azores to zaire (now the congo)
16. i was in the army for 4 years...i got out 1 month before desert storm...i was kinda disappointed too...
17. i was in a special forces unit (aka green berets)...
18. i was the only one in my unit that didn't jump outta planes...never got the chance to...kinda disappointed about that too...
19. when i was in zaire i lost 30 lbs in a month...that place is freaking hot...
20. i've worked at 8 different dominos in 3 different states...
21. i met my exwife at dominos...she was the manager and i was a driver...
22. no one even knew we were together until after we were married...
23. we only dated for 3 months before we went across the border to a justice of the peace to get married...
24. the only person with us was her 4 year old daughter who was watching cartoons in the lobby...
25. 4 months later i was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon (my truck) with intent to kill (my wife)...long story...
26. i found out yesterday that i currently have a warrant out for my arrest...its for an unpaid ticket for throwing a cigarette out the window...
27. i have a huge fear of going to jail...
28. i have an even huger fear of becoming someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass...
29. i'm not gay at all but i have a list of about 10 guys (johnny depp, brad pitt, etc.) i wouldn't mind having sex with...
30. i was 35 when i became a grandpa...
31. i've been to the weddings of both parents and both sets of grandparents...
32. me and my roommate in the military used to break into junkyards at night to get parts for his car...
33. we also used to make homemade pipe bombs and other nasty explosives...you'd be amazed what you can make from simple household items...
34. we also had the exact same birthdate as well as the same height, weight, hair and eye color...freaky...
35. i also had the exact same birthdate as my girlfriend in college and best friend in high school...
36. had a job when i was 15 painting support wires on radio towers...until one of the towers fell down...
37. once worked for a guy who was a convicted money launderer for the mob...the office was in the basement of his mansion on the beach...
38. he was also responsible for 130 savings and loans going bankrupt...
39. in the military i was caught smoking pot...got off when i hid a bottle of piss in my underwear for when they tested me...
40. my favorite car was a 1966 pontiac lemans...muscle car...loud, fast, big ass tires, chick magnet...it was perfect...
41. technically i'm currently homeless...although i spend the majority of my time in a hotel room...
42. i also get food stamps...
43. none of this really bothers me all that much...in fact i kinda like the way my life is at the moment...
44. last week i went 3 days straight without uttering a single word to another person...i kinda like that too...
45. i have a secret desire to be in a high speed police chase thats on live tv...i just gotta get away...which i haven't figured out how to do yet...
46. i also have a secret desire to kill certain individuals that have wronged me...seriously...but #27 and 28 prevent me from actually going through with it...
47. i shot and killed someone when i was in the military...all i can say was i was in africa and me and my unit wasn't there...
48. i'm not bothered that i killed someone...but i sometimes wonder how that person's family reacted when they found out...
49. i often imagine what it would be like to outta the blue haul off and hit people that are in my every day life...i think about what their stunned reaction would be...
50. i've never been in a fight in my life...
51. but i also want to experience getting my ass seriously kicked...i'm sure i could find some volunteers to pummel me...
52. edward norton in fight club is my hero...i'd love to walk around in public with a black eye, bruises, and blood on my clothes...
53. i'm actually a very calm, non-violent individual...
54. one of the things i hate most in life is men who abuse women...i could kill them without remorse...
55. i love marilyn manson...i honestly love his music...
56. i screwed a friend and business partner outta $2000 for a consulting job we had...
57. she sued me but i haven't paid her a dime...yet...
58. i think she's been reading my blog recently...
59. i have a fear of growing old and being all alone...but i think its destined to happen to me...
60. because of this i'm practically desperate to find someone to spend the rest of my life with...and i'll do pretty much anything to get that person...including screwing over friends...
61. i think baseball is boring to watch...even on sportscenter...
62. right now i'm wondering if i can come up with 100 things about me...i'm also wondering how many people will read this much too...
63. twice in my life i've written 100 reasons why i love someone lists...
64. i love facials and manicures...
65. i've been told on several occasions that i give great massages...
66. i'm very insecure in many ways...
67. i sleep 4 hours a day...on a good day...
68. i feel bored with life...
69. i lack intellectual stimulation...
70. i hate politics but at the same time i find watching a bunch of idiots fascinating...
71. i like working menial jobs that i'm extremely overqualified for...
72. i love snickers candy bars...but they have to be frozen...i hate soft, mushy ones...
73. i currently eat 2 or 3 of them a day...
74. my alcohol of choice is parrot bay rum...either mixed with anything or shots...a few months ago i did 21 shots one night...
75. the night i got amber pregnant we did 15 shots each...
76. i'm a happy, funny, horny drunk...
77. i love using "..." when i type something...i hate proper punctuation and capitalization...
78. i love the $1 double cheeseburgers at mcdonalds...cheap and good...
79. i go several days in a row without eating sometimes just because i don't want to expend the effort of going out to get something...
80. nothing shocks me anymore...
81. i like reading other people's blogs...i especially enjoy finding people who are just as fucked up and freaky as i am...
82. porn doesn't really do it for me but i love artistic nudity...
83. i have very little pride left anymore...being homeless will do that for ya...
84. i liked it when i used to live in a mexican gang neighborhood...i like being a minority...
85. i think bigots and racists are assholes...
86. i think things like the naacp image awards, black music awards, black history month, etc. are racist...imagine the uproar if there was white music awards or white history month...there are over 500 organizations that use the word black as their anchor (black miss america, black mayors conference, etc.)...i think anything, not just black, that makes race an issue is racist...humans are a species not a race...
87. i once went 11 months without wearing pants...i only wore shorts the entire time...even in winter...
88. please don't dwell on this image but i prefer sleeping nude...
89. i really don't feel like anything i write is worth reading by others...
90. i'm addicted to statcounter...i'm amazed that people all over the world actually read my blog...i'm further amazed at those people that keep coming back for more...
91. slow internet connections, like the one at my work, really piss me off...it wastes my time...
92. ignorance by others also pisses me off...there, their, they're...figure out how to use each of them properly you fucking idiots...although outta, kinda, wanna, lemme, etc. are perfectly acceptable to me...
93. i went 2 years without sleeping in a bed except for a handful of times...
94. sleeping in a bed now feels weird to me and i find it hard to get comfortable...
95. i'm bored easily but i really don't care...i like being bored...
96. i often feel i'm ignored by others, especially those i care about, and it hurts me immensely...
97. all i want in life is to be loved and cared about by someone that shares the same intensity i have for them...but i doubt i'll ever find that person...
98. i hate using people or making them feel sorry for me...if i feel i'm not wanted somewhere i'll leave immediately...
99. there's tons of things i love that seem gay or feminine...but i really don't give a fuck what others think...i'll freely admit any of them...
100. i think its obscene that i made it this far and i have quite a few more things i could add...
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a mind is a terrible thing to taste...
lately i've been wondering about people i don't really see and i'll never meet. i'll go outside at 2 or 3 in the morning and look at all the cars flying by on the freeway and i wonder where they're going...its not just 1 or 2 cars going by, there's hundreds going by every minute. where are they going at that time of night? where do they live? what are their families like? what kind of problems do they have in their life? are they abusers or victims of abuse? what are they thinking about right then? all kinds of questions about nameless, faceless people that i'll never see again...
across the freeway is the high school football field...on friday nights i can look and see the football game and all the people in the stands (one of those people is my daughter in the marching band)...i wonder the same things about them. what are they gonna do after the game? do they really care who wins? why are they there in the first place? do they even want to be there?
across the parking lot is the casino...the one thats full almost all the time. i wonder if there's people in there who just gambled away their whole paycheck and are trying to win it back so their significant other doesn't kill them because there won't be any money to buy groceries to feed the kids for the next two weeks. i'm far enough away so i can't really see their faces so i watch their body language, i watch them linger at their cars, i watch them speed away and ignore the stop signs...they musta lost big time. after awhile its easy to tell who won and who lost just by how they walk to their cars...
throughout the day...each and every day...i still wonder about a certain someone who is no longer in my life...i wonder what she's doing...i wonder if she's ok...i wonder if she's having problems and stress in her life...i wonder if she's happy now that i'm out of her life...i wonder if i'll ever get to see my child after its born...i wonder so many things...
it is so very true...a mind is a terrible thing to taste...
btw...this is one of my all time favorite albums (and bands)...
across the freeway is the high school football field...on friday nights i can look and see the football game and all the people in the stands (one of those people is my daughter in the marching band)...i wonder the same things about them. what are they gonna do after the game? do they really care who wins? why are they there in the first place? do they even want to be there?
across the parking lot is the casino...the one thats full almost all the time. i wonder if there's people in there who just gambled away their whole paycheck and are trying to win it back so their significant other doesn't kill them because there won't be any money to buy groceries to feed the kids for the next two weeks. i'm far enough away so i can't really see their faces so i watch their body language, i watch them linger at their cars, i watch them speed away and ignore the stop signs...they musta lost big time. after awhile its easy to tell who won and who lost just by how they walk to their cars...
throughout the day...each and every day...i still wonder about a certain someone who is no longer in my life...i wonder what she's doing...i wonder if she's ok...i wonder if she's having problems and stress in her life...i wonder if she's happy now that i'm out of her life...i wonder if i'll ever get to see my child after its born...i wonder so many things...
it is so very true...a mind is a terrible thing to taste...
btw...this is one of my all time favorite albums (and bands)...
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i can't believe i'm doing this...
so awhile back when i was broke i went to this place and i got some free food and other things...one of which was some deodorant. since this place was typically used by women they had mostly female products. so the deodorant they gave me was lady speed stick, the wild fressia scent. since i had no money to get my own i tried it and i liked it...it doesn't have that female deodorant smell...sorta unisexual...and it works pretty good. so i finally used the last of it today and i went to walmart to get something a little more manly...the problem is that i couldn't find anything i like...i guess i've come to love my lady speed stick...so i bought some more of it...i love that wild fressia scent...
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Sunday, October 30, 2005
my fun filled weekend...
so what did i do this weekend? worked...and little else...might as well...don't have much else to do...but i actually enjoy working so i don't mind a bit...i'm even looking for a second job, a day job, i wanna make some cash and i wanna do it fast. so here's my schedule for this past weekend...
friday...8pm - 4am
saturday...7am - 3pm
saturday...8pm - 4am (9 hours because of the time change)
sunday...7am - 3pm
sunday...11pm - 7am
thats 41 hours in one weekend...i love it...and since its such a simple and boring job i have tons of time to read blogs and work on my spider solitare game...now if they only had a high speed internet connection i'd be lovin life even more...
friday...8pm - 4am
saturday...7am - 3pm
saturday...8pm - 4am (9 hours because of the time change)
sunday...7am - 3pm
sunday...11pm - 7am
thats 41 hours in one weekend...i love it...and since its such a simple and boring job i have tons of time to read blogs and work on my spider solitare game...now if they only had a high speed internet connection i'd be lovin life even more...
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quotes...
got these quotes from a.k.a. binsk...i think they both are pretty accurate...
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
Victor Marie Hugo
It's not till sex has died out between a man and a woman that they can really love. And now I mean affection. Now I mean to be fond of (as one is fond of oneself)--to hope, to be disappointed, to live inside the other heart. When I look back on the pain of sex, the love like a wild fox so ready to bite, the antagonism that sits like a twin beside love, and contrast it with affection, so deeply unrepeatable, of two people who have lived a life together (and of whom one must die) it's the affection I find richer. It's that I would have again. Not all those doubtful rainbow colours.
E. Bagnold
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
Victor Marie Hugo
It's not till sex has died out between a man and a woman that they can really love. And now I mean affection. Now I mean to be fond of (as one is fond of oneself)--to hope, to be disappointed, to live inside the other heart. When I look back on the pain of sex, the love like a wild fox so ready to bite, the antagonism that sits like a twin beside love, and contrast it with affection, so deeply unrepeatable, of two people who have lived a life together (and of whom one must die) it's the affection I find richer. It's that I would have again. Not all those doubtful rainbow colours.
E. Bagnold
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7 things...
i got this idea from tif...and even though i wasn't asked to do it i really didn't have anything else to post today so why not...
7 things i want to do before i die...
1. go to vegas…or better yet, tuscany…
2. buy a telescope…
3. find my soulmate…
4. have a child the right way…
5. payoff all my debts and lawsuits…
6. be in a high speed chase that’s on tv…and get away…
7. die quietly in my sleep…
7 things i cannot do...
1. drink beer…
2. karaoke…
3. not reply to an email…
4. buy anything on credit…
5. smoke around a non-smoker…
6. stay mad at someone…
7. be somewhere where i’m not wanted…
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex...
1. sincerity
2. wit
3. faithfulness
4. sarcasm
5. twinkle in her eyes
6. cleavage
7. painted toe nails
7 things i say most often...
1. wtf was that… (both ??? and !!!)...
2. just keep thinking those happy thoughts…
3. you’re fucking insane…
4. i’m just kidding, i swear…
5. you must be joking…
6. will you please just talk to me…
7. good evening, quality inn & suites, this is phil, how can i help you?
7 celebrity crushes...
1. jennifer connelly
2. johnny depp (i’m not gay)
3. natalie portman
4. jessica alba
5. brad pitt (I swear i’m not gay!)
6. franka potente
7. salma hayek
7 things i want to do before i die...
1. go to vegas…or better yet, tuscany…
2. buy a telescope…
3. find my soulmate…
4. have a child the right way…
5. payoff all my debts and lawsuits…
6. be in a high speed chase that’s on tv…and get away…
7. die quietly in my sleep…
7 things i cannot do...
1. drink beer…
2. karaoke…
3. not reply to an email…
4. buy anything on credit…
5. smoke around a non-smoker…
6. stay mad at someone…
7. be somewhere where i’m not wanted…
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex...
1. sincerity
2. wit
3. faithfulness
4. sarcasm
5. twinkle in her eyes
6. cleavage
7. painted toe nails
7 things i say most often...
1. wtf was that… (both ??? and !!!)...
2. just keep thinking those happy thoughts…
3. you’re fucking insane…
4. i’m just kidding, i swear…
5. you must be joking…
6. will you please just talk to me…
7. good evening, quality inn & suites, this is phil, how can i help you?
7 celebrity crushes...
1. jennifer connelly
2. johnny depp (i’m not gay)
3. natalie portman
4. jessica alba
5. brad pitt (I swear i’m not gay!)
6. franka potente
7. salma hayek
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nothing...
so i have nothing to write about today so i thought i'd share some of the pics i've collected ...you can see more here. maybe its the thousand word thing but there's something about a really good pic that can keep you captivated for hours...
* - hover over the pic to see it's title...click on the pic to see the full size image...
* - hover over the pic to see it's title...click on the pic to see the full size image...
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word of the day...
hosebeast...it's a new one for me...a few definitions...
Noun (1): A woman who is ruthless, evil, and outright objectionable in both physical and mental presence.
Dave: "Did you hear about Patti going off the deep end?"
Steve: "Yeah, it serves that hosebeast right for what she did to Truant."
Stupid ass dirty ass nasty ass slut. Crazy to a stupendous degree. Devourer of souls.
Steve's girlfriend is a fucking psycho hosebeast. I told him not to stick it in the crazy but he didn't listen.
An adjective used solely for females: A hosebeast can considered to be a female who acts in a beastly fashion more often then not. This "beast" like behavior is due to poor judgement and simply having no shame in one's game because there are simply to many tight ass bitches out there! It can also be due to heavy intoxication (as in drinking to many beers through bendy straws and taking to much xanax). Hosebeast can also be a term of love when used between two people who can enjoy being white trash without shame.
Hosebeast behavior includes falling head first off bars when your trying to dance on them,face fucking, pooping in your pants in H&M, falling on a subway grate and smahing your face in, successfully executing Patsy falls, trying to have sexual relations with gay men, and contemplating when your really drunk" if I just pee in the bed at least it will be warm for a minute."
A woman who only chases and sleeps with men that have money. A woman that other women hate.
Anna Nicole Smith is a Hosebeast!
so there's actually a word for all the women in my past life...i feel so much better now...
Noun (1): A woman who is ruthless, evil, and outright objectionable in both physical and mental presence.
Dave: "Did you hear about Patti going off the deep end?"
Steve: "Yeah, it serves that hosebeast right for what she did to Truant."
Stupid ass dirty ass nasty ass slut. Crazy to a stupendous degree. Devourer of souls.
Steve's girlfriend is a fucking psycho hosebeast. I told him not to stick it in the crazy but he didn't listen.
An adjective used solely for females: A hosebeast can considered to be a female who acts in a beastly fashion more often then not. This "beast" like behavior is due to poor judgement and simply having no shame in one's game because there are simply to many tight ass bitches out there! It can also be due to heavy intoxication (as in drinking to many beers through bendy straws and taking to much xanax). Hosebeast can also be a term of love when used between two people who can enjoy being white trash without shame.
Hosebeast behavior includes falling head first off bars when your trying to dance on them,face fucking, pooping in your pants in H&M, falling on a subway grate and smahing your face in, successfully executing Patsy falls, trying to have sexual relations with gay men, and contemplating when your really drunk" if I just pee in the bed at least it will be warm for a minute."
A woman who only chases and sleeps with men that have money. A woman that other women hate.
Anna Nicole Smith is a Hosebeast!
so there's actually a word for all the women in my past life...i feel so much better now...
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comments...
yeah, i know, my comments on this blog aren't working...and yeah, it's fucking pissing me off! changed my template tonight and after i added haloscan everything went to shit...the template had some weird code in it...
also trying to override the cascading stylesheets with the template because i hate text thats all caps...drives me nuts...so thats been alotta fun too...can't get nothing done because all these damn customers keep coming in and bugging me...how'm i supposed to work on my blog with all these distractions? need to talk to my boss about fixing the internet connection too...way too slow...slows down my blogging and surfing productivity...
also trying to override the cascading stylesheets with the template because i hate text thats all caps...drives me nuts...so thats been alotta fun too...can't get nothing done because all these damn customers keep coming in and bugging me...how'm i supposed to work on my blog with all these distractions? need to talk to my boss about fixing the internet connection too...way too slow...slows down my blogging and surfing productivity...
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my new cell phone...
so i got a new cell phone today...finally! so now i can communicate with the outside world (besides using a payphone)...and they can now get in touch with me...i can even take pics & vidz with this one as well as get on the internet and check my email...and now i can even download some ringers...lotsa marilyn manson & linkin park. so now i get that much loved and very tedious task of transferring all my contacts from my old phone to my new phone...plus of course letting everyone know my new cell phone number...so if you previously had my number and i don't give you the new one there might just be a reason for it...don'tcha think?
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wtf???
i think this is gonna be my all time favorite of a search that led to my blog..."what to do for a dog with an impacted colon"...how does that lead to me??? wtf???
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yesterday...
yesterday was my birthday...it was kinda depressing but also kinda not that not a single person wished me a happy birthday. most of those that would just have no idea how to contact me...others just simply forgot or in a few cases just intentionally ignored it. but i guess i just take comfort in knowing that sometime in the not too distant future i'm gonna have someone special wishing me a happy birthday...maybe not next year but someday it will happen...
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blog stuff...
there's a few blogs that i've come across recently that i think are well worth reading and i highly recommend them...
where have all the lemmings gone?
some very unique poetry and other things from a very interesting person...
boobs, injuries, & dr pepper
quirky (not the right word but the first one that comes to mind) things from everyday life from someone that has a very intelligent way of telling them...
chronicles of a strip club dj
everything you always wanted to know about strip clubs but were afraid to ask. wanna be a stripper? go here. don't wanna get ripped at one? go here...
i love checking out statcounter and seeing all the different people that check out my blog, where they're from, and how they got there...very interesting stuff...such as...
where have all the lemmings gone?
some very unique poetry and other things from a very interesting person...
boobs, injuries, & dr pepper
quirky (not the right word but the first one that comes to mind) things from everyday life from someone that has a very intelligent way of telling them...
chronicles of a strip club dj
everything you always wanted to know about strip clubs but were afraid to ask. wanna be a stripper? go here. don't wanna get ripped at one? go here...
i love checking out statcounter and seeing all the different people that check out my blog, where they're from, and how they got there...very interesting stuff...such as...
- yesterday someone with cox checked out pretty much my entire blog...
- yesterday someone from illinois got to my blog by searching for "rate my rack" on msn...i came up #18 in the search...
- someone else did a google search on surrogacy and smoking...i was #3 on that one...
- foreigners the past few days...london, italy, and portugal...
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choke...
i just finished (for the 2nd time) a really good book by the brilliant author chuck palahniuk...
see also: fight club
see also: lullaby
palahniuk has a very unique writing sytle and a fascinating way with words...something you really have to read for yourself to completely understand...
choke is about a medical school dropout who has devised a complicated scam to pay for his mother's elder care: pretend to be choking on a piece of food in a restaurant and the person who "saves you" will feel responsible for the rest of his life. multiply that by a couple of hundred times and you generate a healthy flow of checks, week in, week out. between fake choking gigs he works at Colonial Dunsboro with a motley group of losers and stoners trapped in 1734, cruises sex addiction groups for action ("you put twenty sexaholics around a table night after night and don't be surprised"), and visits his mother, whose alzheimer's nows hides what may be the startling truth about his parentage (the foreskin of Jesus Christ?)...and a best friend that draws pictures of strippers and collects huge rocks all day long to keep from masturbating...
here's a small passage that is typical of palahniuk's writing style...
friday means tanya.
tanya comes by the house, and tanya means anal.
the magic of getting butt is she's as tight as a virgin every time. and tanya brings toys. beads and rods and probes, these all smell like bleach, and she smuggles them around in a black leather bag she keeps in the trunk of her car. tanya works my dog with one hand and her mouth while she presses the first ball on a long string of greasy red rubber balls against my trapdoor.
my eyes closed, i'm trying to relax enough.
breathe in. then out.
think of the monkey and the chestnuts.
slow and even, in and then out.
tanya twisting the first ball against me, i say, "you'd tell me if i sounded too needy, wouldn't you?"
and the first ball pops inside.
"why don't people believe me," i say, "when i tell them i just don't care?"
and the second ball pops in.
"i really don't give a shit about anything," i say.
another ball pops in.
"i'm not going to get hurt, again" i say.
something else pops inside me.
tanya still throating my dog, she makes a fist around the dangling string and yanks.
imagine a woman yanking your guts out.
tanya yanks again, and my dog triggers, the white soldiers gobbing against the bedroom wallpaper beside her face. she yanks again, and my dog's coughing dry and still coughing.
and still triggering dry, i say, "damn. for serious, i felt that."
what would jesus NOT do?
leaning forward with both my hands spread against the wall, my knees folding a little, i say, "easy does it." i tell tanya, "you're not starting a lawn mower."
and tanya kneeling under me, still looking at the greasy stinking balls on the floor, says, "oh boy." she lifts the string of red rubber balls for me to see, and she says, "there are supposed to be ten."
there's only eight and what looks like a lot of empty string.
my ass hurts so much, i finger around back there and then check my fingers for blood. as much as i hurt right now, you'd be amazed there's not blood everywhere.
and gritting my teeth, i say, "that was fun, don't you think?"
and tanya says, "i need you to sign my release form so i can go back to jail." she's dangling the string of balls into her black bag and says, "you're going to want to stop by an emergency room."
see also: impacted colon.
see also: bowel blockage.
see also: cramping, fever, septic shock, heart failure.
it's been five days since i remember feeling hungry enough to eat. i haven't been tired. or worried or angry or afraid or thirsty. if the air in here smells bad, i can't tell. i only know it's friday because tanya is here.
paige with her dental floss. tanya and her toys. gwen with her safe word. all these women are yanking me around on a string.
"no, really," i tell tanya. i sign the form, under sponsor, and say, "really, nothing's wrong. i don't feel anything left inside."
and tanya takes the form and says, "i can't believe that."
what's funny is, i'm not sure i believe it either.
hope you enjoyed that...check out the book...it's worth it...
see also: fight club
see also: lullaby
palahniuk has a very unique writing sytle and a fascinating way with words...something you really have to read for yourself to completely understand...
choke is about a medical school dropout who has devised a complicated scam to pay for his mother's elder care: pretend to be choking on a piece of food in a restaurant and the person who "saves you" will feel responsible for the rest of his life. multiply that by a couple of hundred times and you generate a healthy flow of checks, week in, week out. between fake choking gigs he works at Colonial Dunsboro with a motley group of losers and stoners trapped in 1734, cruises sex addiction groups for action ("you put twenty sexaholics around a table night after night and don't be surprised"), and visits his mother, whose alzheimer's nows hides what may be the startling truth about his parentage (the foreskin of Jesus Christ?)...and a best friend that draws pictures of strippers and collects huge rocks all day long to keep from masturbating...
here's a small passage that is typical of palahniuk's writing style...
~~~ warning - sexually explicit content...can you handle it? ~~~
tanya comes by the house, and tanya means anal.
the magic of getting butt is she's as tight as a virgin every time. and tanya brings toys. beads and rods and probes, these all smell like bleach, and she smuggles them around in a black leather bag she keeps in the trunk of her car. tanya works my dog with one hand and her mouth while she presses the first ball on a long string of greasy red rubber balls against my trapdoor.
my eyes closed, i'm trying to relax enough.
breathe in. then out.
think of the monkey and the chestnuts.
slow and even, in and then out.
tanya twisting the first ball against me, i say, "you'd tell me if i sounded too needy, wouldn't you?"
and the first ball pops inside.
"why don't people believe me," i say, "when i tell them i just don't care?"
and the second ball pops in.
"i really don't give a shit about anything," i say.
another ball pops in.
"i'm not going to get hurt, again" i say.
something else pops inside me.
tanya still throating my dog, she makes a fist around the dangling string and yanks.
imagine a woman yanking your guts out.
tanya yanks again, and my dog triggers, the white soldiers gobbing against the bedroom wallpaper beside her face. she yanks again, and my dog's coughing dry and still coughing.
and still triggering dry, i say, "damn. for serious, i felt that."
what would jesus NOT do?
leaning forward with both my hands spread against the wall, my knees folding a little, i say, "easy does it." i tell tanya, "you're not starting a lawn mower."
and tanya kneeling under me, still looking at the greasy stinking balls on the floor, says, "oh boy." she lifts the string of red rubber balls for me to see, and she says, "there are supposed to be ten."
there's only eight and what looks like a lot of empty string.
my ass hurts so much, i finger around back there and then check my fingers for blood. as much as i hurt right now, you'd be amazed there's not blood everywhere.
and gritting my teeth, i say, "that was fun, don't you think?"
and tanya says, "i need you to sign my release form so i can go back to jail." she's dangling the string of balls into her black bag and says, "you're going to want to stop by an emergency room."
see also: impacted colon.
see also: bowel blockage.
see also: cramping, fever, septic shock, heart failure.
it's been five days since i remember feeling hungry enough to eat. i haven't been tired. or worried or angry or afraid or thirsty. if the air in here smells bad, i can't tell. i only know it's friday because tanya is here.
paige with her dental floss. tanya and her toys. gwen with her safe word. all these women are yanking me around on a string.
"no, really," i tell tanya. i sign the form, under sponsor, and say, "really, nothing's wrong. i don't feel anything left inside."
and tanya takes the form and says, "i can't believe that."
what's funny is, i'm not sure i believe it either.
hope you enjoyed that...check out the book...it's worth it...
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i'm an asshole...
have you ever done something that you really didn't want to do? something that you think is the right thing to do but you deep down inside know it's a shitty thing to do? something that you'll prolly regret for the rest of your life? thats what i did the other day...
things between amber and me have gone from bad to worse to nothing at all. first she was pissed at me for getting her pregnant and ruining her plans for the future (surrogacy, college, etc.)...then she said i was suffocating her and she didn't want to see me that much...maybe 1 or 2 days a week...then no seeing each other except for the doctors visits and some phone calls...now she doesn't want to see me or talk to me ever again...she knows this won't be possible because i'll have visitation once the baby is born in may...
i know this will prolly change in a week or a month...maybe sooner, maybe later...but i decided to do something to make sure she won't change her mind...i wanted to make sure she hated me and she'd never want anything to do with me ever again...baby or no baby...
so i proceeded to write her a letter...and even though i was completely 100% truthful in what i said i said every mean, nasty, cruel, and hurtful things i could say...all the things that i knew were touchy subjects with her...things she knows are true but i never would admit them or speak about them...things that anybody who knows her knows...i said how fucked up her kids are (they don't listen to her for shit...they have some serious problems)...her fucked up teeth (they are really, really bad...they'd make a dentist squirm)...how she will never finish college and become a doctor because she's not smart enough and too lazy...how she was getting fat even before she got pregnant. i finished this little tirade off by saying something i really didn't mean...i told her that if she didn't want anything to do with me then she's on her own...she can raise the baby all by herself...i was basically abandoning her...
so why did i do this incredibly cruel thing? because i want her to hate me...i want her to never want anything to do with me again. i know how i am...i want to see her right now...i want to drive by her place just to see if she's home (i don't do it...i'm not a stalker or a psycho)...i'm not strong enough to stay away from her (she is). i know she's not the person for me...i know she'll never love me...i know i need to get away from her once and for all...but i also know that if she told me right now to low crawl naked over broken glass i'd do it...i'd do anything for her...
i also know something else about myself...i'm one of those people that its either all or nothing...i can't do something part-time...i'd suck at being a part-time father. i have a 14 year old daughter, marissa, she lives a mile and a half away from me and i see her about once a month...i call her maybe 2 or 3 times a month. if something doesn't have my constant attention i lose interest. i'm a terrible father to her...i know it and she knows it...i've tried before to be more active in her life and for awhile i was but then i slacked off...and i know i'll be the same way with the baby...if i don't see it every day i'll start not seeing it altogether. i've recently wondered whats worse...not having a father at all or having a father that gives up on you and doesn't see you that often? i think its the latter...maybe i'm wrong, but i don't think so...
so even though i want more than anything to be a father again...to get the chance to be a good father...i've basically decided to abandon my child and its mother even before the child is born. i know that alot of this is because of amber and how she's pushed me out of her life...but i just can't help felling responsible and the one to blame for all of it...i'm an asshole for what i'm doing...
things between amber and me have gone from bad to worse to nothing at all. first she was pissed at me for getting her pregnant and ruining her plans for the future (surrogacy, college, etc.)...then she said i was suffocating her and she didn't want to see me that much...maybe 1 or 2 days a week...then no seeing each other except for the doctors visits and some phone calls...now she doesn't want to see me or talk to me ever again...she knows this won't be possible because i'll have visitation once the baby is born in may...
i know this will prolly change in a week or a month...maybe sooner, maybe later...but i decided to do something to make sure she won't change her mind...i wanted to make sure she hated me and she'd never want anything to do with me ever again...baby or no baby...
so i proceeded to write her a letter...and even though i was completely 100% truthful in what i said i said every mean, nasty, cruel, and hurtful things i could say...all the things that i knew were touchy subjects with her...things she knows are true but i never would admit them or speak about them...things that anybody who knows her knows...i said how fucked up her kids are (they don't listen to her for shit...they have some serious problems)...her fucked up teeth (they are really, really bad...they'd make a dentist squirm)...how she will never finish college and become a doctor because she's not smart enough and too lazy...how she was getting fat even before she got pregnant. i finished this little tirade off by saying something i really didn't mean...i told her that if she didn't want anything to do with me then she's on her own...she can raise the baby all by herself...i was basically abandoning her...
so why did i do this incredibly cruel thing? because i want her to hate me...i want her to never want anything to do with me again. i know how i am...i want to see her right now...i want to drive by her place just to see if she's home (i don't do it...i'm not a stalker or a psycho)...i'm not strong enough to stay away from her (she is). i know she's not the person for me...i know she'll never love me...i know i need to get away from her once and for all...but i also know that if she told me right now to low crawl naked over broken glass i'd do it...i'd do anything for her...
i also know something else about myself...i'm one of those people that its either all or nothing...i can't do something part-time...i'd suck at being a part-time father. i have a 14 year old daughter, marissa, she lives a mile and a half away from me and i see her about once a month...i call her maybe 2 or 3 times a month. if something doesn't have my constant attention i lose interest. i'm a terrible father to her...i know it and she knows it...i've tried before to be more active in her life and for awhile i was but then i slacked off...and i know i'll be the same way with the baby...if i don't see it every day i'll start not seeing it altogether. i've recently wondered whats worse...not having a father at all or having a father that gives up on you and doesn't see you that often? i think its the latter...maybe i'm wrong, but i don't think so...
so even though i want more than anything to be a father again...to get the chance to be a good father...i've basically decided to abandon my child and its mother even before the child is born. i know that alot of this is because of amber and how she's pushed me out of her life...but i just can't help felling responsible and the one to blame for all of it...i'm an asshole for what i'm doing...
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this and that...
- i finally got a job!!! ok, so its not the greatest job in the world...working the graveyard shift at a hotel in oceanside, ca...working the front desk a few nights and doing security another few nights...so its at least a full time job...doesn't pay close to the last job i had...sit around and do nothing all night...had a total of 4 customers the first 3 nights...watching tv most of the time or eating the free donuts and coffee...but a job is a job, right?
- working the graveyard shift means i get to sleep during the day...and when you sleep in your car its a fucking bitch...i usually go to a nice shady park and sleep there for a few hours and then i get a few more hours before going to work...we'll see how this all works out for a few weeks and go from there...
- i think i had the easiest interview ever...it went sorta like this...boss: can you work graveyard shift? can you work day x, y, and z? can you start tonight? ok, we'll see ya tonight. that was it...all of 2 minutes at the most...none of those stupid interview questions that everyone hates...
- the thing with amber isn't going too good at the moment...the rollercoaster ride continues...and since she's pregnant and has her hormones and emotions going in all different directions this is one of those rollercoasters that tries to make you barf the moment you strap in...trust me, we're pulling 9 Gs right about now. now she's telling me i'm suffocating her...i'm around too much...she only wants to see me 1 or 2 days a week...what a coincidence...she starts hanging around her ex (aka the mother fucking antichrist) more...staying at his place 5 nights in a row...and now she doesn't want me around that much...fine with me...
- there should be some tropical island that they send pregnant women to...some place far, far away...get pregnant, go there by yourself, have the kid, and come back when you're not gonna be some irrational bitch that changes your mind every single day...no more i want you to live with me, i don't want you to live with me, i want you to live with me after the baby is born, i want to see you every single day, i see you too much, go away, i'm sick, can you take care of me till i get better then you can fuck off...make up your fucking mind, put it in writing, and fucking stick with it...or better yet just give me a blow job next time so i don't knock you up...
- don't blame me for getting you pregnant...sure, i purposely got you drunk...i wanted to fuck you...duh!!!...when you get drunk you get horny...i know this, you know this...but i'm not the one that wasn't wearing the birth control patch even though there was 3 months worth on your dresser...i wasn't the one that started putting on the lingerie fashion show that night...i wasn't the one that suggested you give me a lap dance...i didn't know how fertile you are...i wasn't even the one that suggested we get drunk that night...sure, it was my sperm that got you pregnant...sure, i kept refilling the shot glasses time after time...but it takes two to tango sweetie...stop being pissed at me for getting you pregnant and ruining your plans for the future...and no, i wasn't subconsciously trying to get you pregnant so you would be in my life forever...
- i lost it yesterday...i couldn't stop crying...like for 15 minutes at a time...went to this place to get some info on finding a shelter to go to...the receptionist gave me some paperwork to fill out...i sat down and just started crying...had to go to my car...got off work and had to go to a supermarket parking lot...was sitting in my car in the park...got a jacket from the backseat and i noticed a long hair from when amber wore my jacket...just sitting there crying and holding that hair in my fingers...
- i don't know what happened...i don't know why i lost it...i think it's because i finally realized that i really don't have any friends in my life anymore...i don't have that one person that you can share your thoughts and feelings with...someone that when you're feeling down and depressed you can go to them and just being with them makes you feel better...sure, i have people that i call friends but they're not those types of friends...not anymore...some of my friends have even come out and told me they don't want to hear about my problems anymore...sorry, but that's my life and what's going on in my life...if you don't want to hear about my life then fine, i'll find someone who gives a shit
- i am so incredibly alone and lonely...i often wonder what is wrong with me...i'm not that bad of a person, am i? i want a friend, girlfriend, someone to hold me, someone to love me so badly...i think i find someone to fill that void in my life and i do everything i can to get their love and affection...i become a complete idiot...everything else gets put back a few notches...the person gets anything and everything from me...seldom are my feelings for them returned...the intensity never is...
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homeless adventures...
so since i live in my car its given me opportunities to try new things...or at least things i don't do too often. one of my favorite is going on midnight walks...there's a whole nother world going on after midnight that you don't see when you're going from point a to point b in your car. at first i went out walking at night so i could find a smoke or two...but now i do it for all the cool things that are out there...
there's this main street in town, mission avenue, that during the day its so busy you can only cross at the cross walks...after midnight i can walk down the middle of it for a block or so and never see a car...and this isn't a small city either...oceanside has a population of 170,000 or so...plus there's a military base base right next door...and it's right on the ocean...you'd think there'd be people out and about at all hours of the day...but i guess the only people that are out at this hour of the night are freaks like me...
i've met some interesting people while on my walks...sometimes i'll just walk down to the beach and sit on a bench and watch the waves and wait for someone to walk by who seems like they have nothing better to do than talk to me. there's this old homeless lady, rosy, she's been homeless for over 15 years and likes her life just the way it is...she's one of those people that you see around town sometimes, pushing a shopping cart, but just ignoring her because you don't want your life intersecting with hers. another cool person i met is april...she's a hooker that hangs out by some of the downtown bars but business isn't exactly booming for her at the moment. the first time we met she asked me if i wanted to party with her...when i told her i only had 50 cents she said that wasn't even enough to look at her...we have a running joke now about how much i owe her for all the free looks i've gotten...maybe someday when i get a job i can pay her for her services. she's a cute girl with very nice cleavage who just isn't a the kinda person to hold a regular job...she likes to work whenever she wants to...i've seen her about a half dozen times now and recently when i've gone out for a walk my purpose is to see her and have a chat...
when things change in your life sometimes it gives you new opportunities to see things around you in a whole new light...it sure has for me...
there's this main street in town, mission avenue, that during the day its so busy you can only cross at the cross walks...after midnight i can walk down the middle of it for a block or so and never see a car...and this isn't a small city either...oceanside has a population of 170,000 or so...plus there's a military base base right next door...and it's right on the ocean...you'd think there'd be people out and about at all hours of the day...but i guess the only people that are out at this hour of the night are freaks like me...
i've met some interesting people while on my walks...sometimes i'll just walk down to the beach and sit on a bench and watch the waves and wait for someone to walk by who seems like they have nothing better to do than talk to me. there's this old homeless lady, rosy, she's been homeless for over 15 years and likes her life just the way it is...she's one of those people that you see around town sometimes, pushing a shopping cart, but just ignoring her because you don't want your life intersecting with hers. another cool person i met is april...she's a hooker that hangs out by some of the downtown bars but business isn't exactly booming for her at the moment. the first time we met she asked me if i wanted to party with her...when i told her i only had 50 cents she said that wasn't even enough to look at her...we have a running joke now about how much i owe her for all the free looks i've gotten...maybe someday when i get a job i can pay her for her services. she's a cute girl with very nice cleavage who just isn't a the kinda person to hold a regular job...she likes to work whenever she wants to...i've seen her about a half dozen times now and recently when i've gone out for a walk my purpose is to see her and have a chat...
when things change in your life sometimes it gives you new opportunities to see things around you in a whole new light...it sure has for me...
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quitting smoking...
so i've been trying to quit smoking...not an easy task...i've been smoking for 20 some odd years now...i need to quit because since amber is pregnant being around someone who smokes makes her nauseous...and since i'm still homeless and living in my car she's the only one i have that lets me take showers at her place, feeds me occassionally, lets me use her phone for job applications, etc. so basically if i want to be around her i need to quit smoking...plus of course there's the whole thing about wanting to stay alive a few extra years...kinda be nice to see my future kid grow up...
but quitting isn't as easy as it sounds...if you're a non-smoker you have no idea how tough it is...for me it isn't all about the nicotine addiction (or so i tell myself)...for me the thing i enjoy the most is those few minutes to clear my head and relieve some stress (which i seem to have alot of these days)...
so currently i'm down to one or two a day...down from 20+ a day...i have no money so basically i have to bum smokes from whoever i can find...this isn't always as easy as it seems. maybe i'm wrong in this assumption but i always thought there was this kinda unwritten code among smokers...if another smoker is out and asks you for one you give them one...at least thats what i've always done whenever i had some...someone asks and i give them one...not a problem. but since i exclusively bum them now i find there's quite a few people who don't wanna give one up to help out a fellow smoker...so i found a way around this...kinda simple really...when i see someone smoking i ask if i can buy one from them for a quarter...before i did this maybe 1 outta 5 gave me one...now around 4 outta 5 do...and almost all of the time no one wants the quarter. i guess when you offer to buy a smoke people don't see you as some lazy bum who doesn't have money to buy smokes on their own...kinda cool actually. the only problem is that not too many people smoke where i live...i guess marlboro needs to advertise to the mexican gang community more...so i usually gotta go for a walk to where more smokers tend to congregate...downtown, the beach, the pier, the college...btw, college kids always give you a smoke...no need to even try to buy one...they always give it up...
so we'll see how all this goes...maybe someday soon amber will be able to detect when i've had a smoke in the past 24 hours and i'll have to quit for good...hard to imagine life without my friendly cancer sticks...
but quitting isn't as easy as it sounds...if you're a non-smoker you have no idea how tough it is...for me it isn't all about the nicotine addiction (or so i tell myself)...for me the thing i enjoy the most is those few minutes to clear my head and relieve some stress (which i seem to have alot of these days)...
so currently i'm down to one or two a day...down from 20+ a day...i have no money so basically i have to bum smokes from whoever i can find...this isn't always as easy as it seems. maybe i'm wrong in this assumption but i always thought there was this kinda unwritten code among smokers...if another smoker is out and asks you for one you give them one...at least thats what i've always done whenever i had some...someone asks and i give them one...not a problem. but since i exclusively bum them now i find there's quite a few people who don't wanna give one up to help out a fellow smoker...so i found a way around this...kinda simple really...when i see someone smoking i ask if i can buy one from them for a quarter...before i did this maybe 1 outta 5 gave me one...now around 4 outta 5 do...and almost all of the time no one wants the quarter. i guess when you offer to buy a smoke people don't see you as some lazy bum who doesn't have money to buy smokes on their own...kinda cool actually. the only problem is that not too many people smoke where i live...i guess marlboro needs to advertise to the mexican gang community more...so i usually gotta go for a walk to where more smokers tend to congregate...downtown, the beach, the pier, the college...btw, college kids always give you a smoke...no need to even try to buy one...they always give it up...
so we'll see how all this goes...maybe someday soon amber will be able to detect when i've had a smoke in the past 24 hours and i'll have to quit for good...hard to imagine life without my friendly cancer sticks...
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the fucking cherry on top...
so this is my 5th post of the day...to maximize the humor of my recent life start with the first post and work your way up and read this one last...you'll see why...
so around 2:00 this afternoon amber calls me up and says she wants to see me for a few minutes...we've been working on things between us and i was gonna beg her to let me move back in with her...my only other option is to move to michigan with my family that i haven't seen in 8 years and move away from my daughter...something i really don't want to do...
so i'm at my usual park reading my book and she pulls up a few minutes later...her eyes are bloodshot and i can tell she's been crying...she says we need to talk but she needs to get something to eat first...mexican. so i ask her whats wrong, why she's crying and she says just wait for a few minutes...i had a pretty good idea what was wrong and i asked her about it and she didn't answer me. so we get her a bean and cheese burrito and then she drops the bomb on me...she tells me "i'm pregnant...and it's yours"...i knew it! i leaned over and kissed her and told her everything would be o.k...i would be with her through everything. so she's 3 weeks pregnant...i'm gonna be a 39 year old dad (again)...we're prolly gonna live together again so i can take care of her...bought a baby book to chronicle everything that goes on...still in shock but i'm very happy about this. the bad part is that she was getting ready to start her surrogacy...she took care of all the paperwork and she had her first appointment on friday so she could start taking her shots and looking for parents...i was gonna help her with that pregnancy...now i'll be helping her with our child she's carrying...
so around 2:00 this afternoon amber calls me up and says she wants to see me for a few minutes...we've been working on things between us and i was gonna beg her to let me move back in with her...my only other option is to move to michigan with my family that i haven't seen in 8 years and move away from my daughter...something i really don't want to do...
so i'm at my usual park reading my book and she pulls up a few minutes later...her eyes are bloodshot and i can tell she's been crying...she says we need to talk but she needs to get something to eat first...mexican. so i ask her whats wrong, why she's crying and she says just wait for a few minutes...i had a pretty good idea what was wrong and i asked her about it and she didn't answer me. so we get her a bean and cheese burrito and then she drops the bomb on me...she tells me "i'm pregnant...and it's yours"...i knew it! i leaned over and kissed her and told her everything would be o.k...i would be with her through everything. so she's 3 weeks pregnant...i'm gonna be a 39 year old dad (again)...we're prolly gonna live together again so i can take care of her...bought a baby book to chronicle everything that goes on...still in shock but i'm very happy about this. the bad part is that she was getting ready to start her surrogacy...she took care of all the paperwork and she had her first appointment on friday so she could start taking her shots and looking for parents...i was gonna help her with that pregnancy...now i'll be helping her with our child she's carrying...
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pissing in a bottle...
also last night...now i can't fucking sleep after those fucking punks came by...plus i have a million thoughts going through my head about my upcoming survival...it's around 2:00 am and i realize i gotta piss like a race horse...so i don't have much gas and i don't wanna drive anywhere...being the good citizen i am i don't wanna piss in someone's yard...i see an empty water bottle (the small one) and i think "why the fuck not?" so i proceeded to piss in the water bottle...this, like many other things, is easier said than done...i musta been squeezing my dick a little too tight because after i was done (or so i thought) and after i removed the water bottle i started pissing again and i couldn't stop it. so now i got piss on my leg, on my balls, and running down to my ass...MOTHER FUCKER! lemme tell ya...going to sleep with wet sticky balls and something wet anywhere near my asshole is no fucking fun...the next morning i went to the local am/pm (gas station) and washed my balls in the sink...i just fucking love being homeless...
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the joys of being homeless...
so last night i found a nice quiet dark street to park my car and get some sleep...around midnight or so i hear a car pull up and someone yelling "No, Don't!"...next thing i know something (i'm assuming a baseball bat) hits my windshield...so now i've got a ton of cracks on the fucking thing...MOTHER FUCKER!!!
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i fucked up...
so i'm homeless now...at least i was until a few hours ago...amber and i got into a huge fight on thursday and she kicked me out...stayed in a hotel that night...the next night i stayed with my daughter at my exwife's place...which she moved a few weeks ago and now lives a few doors down from fernando, amber's soon to be ex...how ironic. the next two nights i slept in my car...i'm just waiting for the cops to find me and impound my car...which means it and all my shit thats in it (yes, everything i own in one car) will be gone forever...why do you ask? lemme see...no insurance on the car for the past six months...the registration expired in april...two parking tickets (one for having my car on the street on street sweeping day)...one outstanding and unpaid ticket for throwing a cigarette out the window...and i haven't made a car payment for three months now...i wonder who's gonna find me first, mr. repo man or mr. police man? tried to crash at some friends places with no luck...still unemployed...no money for gas or smokes...went two days without food until i wrote a bad check to domino's for some pizzas...hanging out during the day in a park reading the new harry potter...but don't worry...as my friends like to say everything always works out...am i bummed? not in the least...
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now where was i...
so it turns out that the whole thing with amber and her ex was over before it even started...she quickly realized that he hadn't changed and nothing ever happened. so her and i worked out our issues and things resumed their normal ways...we were back to hanging out together, going out drinking and playing pool, and even the sex picked up a bit...everything was great until we had a huge fight and she kicked me out...
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it's over...
so i think i mentioned before that amber is going through a divorce...at least she was...she's gotten back together with her soon-to-be-but-not-anymore-ex-husband. needless to say i'm devastated...or at least i think i am...sometimes i really don't know what i'm feeling...just sorta that numb feeling that doesn't make any sense...
a little background...amber was abused by fernando...he raped her upwards of 700 times...physically and emotionally abused her in so many different ways...but he is also the most charming man she's ever known...he can get her to do anything. during the past 9 months he's made her life hell and she hated him...they got the details of the divorce worked out and part of it was that if one parent had the kids the other could call them every day...they started talking again and he started going to work on her and doing his thing. pretty soon they were doing things together with the kids...soon after that she started lying to me about seeing him...this time without the kids...i finally caught her in a lie, she said she was doing something with someone else...she met him instead, i watched them go into his apartment, kissing in the doorway (no, i'm not a stalker)...
i have no idea what to do now...we still live together and we fight and we hate each other (some of the time)...i thought we'd be friends for life and now i can't even stand to look at her...
i'm not bitter or mad or upset...i guess you could say i'm just sad...i'm sad because i know she's gonna have to go through all of the pain and suffering all over again...i've been with her for 9 months and the things she's had to go through is unbelievable...the times she's cried because of what he's done to her and the way he made her feel...and she's not one of those emotional crying kinds either. but i know that there's gonna be many more hard times ahead for her and as her friend it kills me to think she's gonna have to go through that again...
a little background...amber was abused by fernando...he raped her upwards of 700 times...physically and emotionally abused her in so many different ways...but he is also the most charming man she's ever known...he can get her to do anything. during the past 9 months he's made her life hell and she hated him...they got the details of the divorce worked out and part of it was that if one parent had the kids the other could call them every day...they started talking again and he started going to work on her and doing his thing. pretty soon they were doing things together with the kids...soon after that she started lying to me about seeing him...this time without the kids...i finally caught her in a lie, she said she was doing something with someone else...she met him instead, i watched them go into his apartment, kissing in the doorway (no, i'm not a stalker)...
i have no idea what to do now...we still live together and we fight and we hate each other (some of the time)...i thought we'd be friends for life and now i can't even stand to look at her...
i'm not bitter or mad or upset...i guess you could say i'm just sad...i'm sad because i know she's gonna have to go through all of the pain and suffering all over again...i've been with her for 9 months and the things she's had to go through is unbelievable...the times she's cried because of what he's done to her and the way he made her feel...and she's not one of those emotional crying kinds either. but i know that there's gonna be many more hard times ahead for her and as her friend it kills me to think she's gonna have to go through that again...
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not a happy birthday...
so sunday was amber's 23rd birthday and we had big plans...dinner at red lobster and then go to our favorite hangout and play some pool, have some free birthday shots, and basically get totally wasted. what do they say about best laid plans? one small problem...amber was sick...as in throwing up sick...same with her two kids...sick all day and even the next (the 4th)...so we watched fireworks from our balcony (still got to see them pretty good)...and after that i typed her 5 page english essay while she dictated it to me from her deathbed/sofa. so not only did we not get to go to vegas for her birthday, but the actual day of her birthday she was sick and couldn't even get drunk...and she didn't even get to blow out the candles on her birthday cake i made till the next night. and to top it all off...the worst part of all...i had plans to see stephanie on sunday...haven't seen her since i quit my job...and i had to cancel on her while she was on her way to see me...amber just threw up again and even though she insisted i go see stephanie i knew there was no way i could...sorry steph! please forgive me! and sorry amber for your shitty birthday...maybe if i'm around next year i can make it up to you...
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old...
got the idea about doing this post from danielle...who at 28 thinks she's old...
so the other day amber was at the rental office paying rent and talking to the manager, rita, who btw is really cool and one of the reasons we love living here. so rita is telling amber that some of the other re
so the other day amber was at the rental office paying rent and talking to the manager, rita, who btw is really cool and one of the reasons we love living here. so rita is telling amber that some of the other re